Should I give up my job for my boyfriend?
Dear Dr. Nekia,
I fear that my boyfriend and I are going to break up. We are arguing a lot lately over my job. You see, I work late nights sometimes and it requires out-of-office work with clients who are generally male. My job does not involve anything sexual and he knows this, but he cannot stand the fact that I am alone with other men some nights.
I have tried to tell him that negotiations and networking is done away from the office in less formal settings in my line of work, but he does not care. I am tired of the arguing, but I don’t want to lose him. He says he loves me and I know I love him too, so should I consider a career change?
If I don’t, we might never move forward and things between us will just get worse.
Dear Problem Clients,
Contrary to what your name would suggest, your clients or their gender are not the problem with your relationship.
I wonder how long you have been together, but that will actually bear little weight on my advice because the important factor is not the length of the relationship, but its fragility.
Trust is a cornerstone to any successful relationship but so many of us struggle with it. Sometimes it is not so much a lack of trust in our partners, but more we do not trust much of anything that life has to offer, or that we do not trust ourselves.
But no matter where our trust issues stem from, a lack of our ability to trust, as well as to be trustworthy, interrupts so much of our happiness in life. Even the strongest relationships have moments of weakness in which waning trust allows for doubt and fear to creep in. So if some level of distrust is inevitable, it then becomes important that we do not deny its presence, but that we learn how to remedy it.
How we choose to react will make all the difference in your relationship.
First, know that you really are not responsible for how he chooses to handle his doubts. While you can work with him for reassurance, you cannot allow yourself to become the reason he finds peace of mind. You should not have to give up your career. In fact, doing so will only feed his underlying insecurities. Giving into fear, whether it is our own or someone else’s, is rarely ever the answer because fear feeds off fear.
In a perfect world love conquers all, but in the real world we have to pay bills and make a living to survive. Is your man willing to take care of you financially? Is he ready and capable of committing himself to you on this level? Or is he just going to allow you to give up your career for you to make a living in a way that makes him more comfortable? How many years have you put into building your credibility and worth within your profession?
Those questions are things to consider. You would be hard pressed to find a man who would give up the security of his livelihood for the sake of appeasing an insecure woman. I am not saying you couldn’t find such a man, but it would be very difficult. And if you give up such a big part of your life in order to keep him, that may send the message that he can get you to settle for anything or any demand that he may have.
The male ego sometimes comes to life when they see a woman compromising or giving up so much of herself for him. An inflated ego can make a man believe that a woman loves him so much that she will never leave and be willing to bend over backwards just to have him in her life.
Be very careful in your decision, and make sure that this man is worthy of such a sacrifice. But no matter what you choose, be sure that you will be able to be cared for during the relationship as well as stand on your feet should it come to an end. If he wants his woman to not interact with other men, he will then have to step it up or find himself another woman.
Dear Dr. Nekia,
Is it OK for my man to be bisexual? I find that people are a lot more accepting of married women having female lovers, while couples invite other women into their bedrooms to please them both.
But as soon as they know that my man is bisexual, people say it is nasty and bring up the risk of disease and shame.
What is the difference? I like for us both to experience sex in the ways that bring us pleasure and if my man likes to bring home another guy from time to time, then why not?
Men who have bisexual women or even straight women willing to grant them threesomes are celebrated and seen as being lucky. So why is there such shame on me for having a man who brings home another man for us to enjoy?
I Should Be Celebrated Too
Dear I Should Be Celebrated Too,
I do not think anyone should be condemned nor celebrated for their sexual preference.
Whether we morally, spiritually, or scientifically agree with, or oppose, one’s sexual choice and lifestyle, we do not have the right to impose our beliefs on the personal relationships of others.
Whether it is OK for your man to be bisexual is solely up to you and him. Yes, for several reasons, it is more acceptable for a woman to be bisexual or for a woman to invite another woman into her relationship bed, but understand that much of this comes from the patriarchal lusts of men and the objectification of women, which is so deeply ingrained that women accept it and objectify themselves along with other women.
Safety should always be a priority with any sexual experience. Yes, some behaviours are riskier than others and some allow for easier transfer of disease than others, but the automatic stigma of disease just because of one’s sexual orientation is ignorant at best.
Do not let the ignorance of others upset you, and don’t make the grave mistake that so many do in letting the opinions and judgment of others define your relationship.
Relationships should be created to be what you and your partner want. You alone should envision, define, build, and live out what you want your relationship or marriage to be.
When we allow others to influence us we are allowing them to take control and are putting the happiness and future of our relationships into their hands. So, it doesn’t matter whether or not I agree with his bisexuality or your being okay with it.
If he chooses to be with another man during your sexual encounters it does not define your entire relationship nor his manhood. There is a shame imposed by much of society when it comes to homosexual or bisexual behaviours of men because much of what males are taught is that their respect among other men, self-esteem, egos, masculinity, and self-worth resides in their ability to get women to sleep with them.
So, a male who does not seek to conquer females is not much of a man at all. Of course, this thinking is not founded on much truth because a man’s identity and masculinity does not depend on how many women he can get into bed or how many children he can father. A man is so much more than the size of his penis and where he chooses to put it.
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