I recently had an interaction that took me right back to high-school. Not discussing mixed tapes and bubble writing, but under attack from an internal voice, like a horse racing commentator, giving me a play by play critique of everything I was saying, doing and appearing wrong, and what a doofus I was making of myself.

I know better. I’ve worked on this for twenty years, but every now and then it still gets the better of me. A rabbit in headlights, ears burning, the more I tried to impress, the more acutely self-conscious I became. I could hear myself fumbling, sounding inane, not getting the joke whilst internally admonishing myself so loudly it was hard to think.

I proceeded to lose the rest of the day (and some sleep that night) replaying the scenario in my head with horror, coming up with witty retorts I should have said, bolshie tear-downs of the other person … and beating myself up for engaging in any of it.

Seriously? I am too old (and too busy) for this nonsense. Yet when that inner critic (also aptly named our Itty Bitty Sh**ty Committee) rampages, with a megaphone, it can feel hard to ignore. We all have one. That voice saying we’re “too ... (take your pick): fat, thin, old, ugly, boring, dumb, broken, busy, hurt, far behind etc” or we’re “not … educated, the right person, dressed right, deserving, good enough, lovable etc”

It delights in comparing us to others, highlighting everything they have that we don’t seem to. That mean, harsh judge, when not busy denigrating us, can then flip-flop and pump us full of superiority and our own importance by disparaging others. None of which leaves us feeling good about ourselves, wondering what our real voice is, who we are and what we really think beyond the noisy diatribe and negative committee vote.

Some people’s internal critics shout louder than others, and if allowed to grow out of control can lead to low self esteem, missing out on opportunities and inaction due to fear of making mistakes, self-sabotage, painful self-consciousness, feelings of being unlovable, unwanted and self-loathing.

So what can we do to counter the insidious and destructive inner back seat driver? Sticking fingers in our ears doesn’t work, and it seems the more we try to ignore it, the louder it gets.

Instead we must acknowledge the IBSC within us and find ways to manage it. As with any change, awareness is the first step. Learning to distinguish its cajoles and taunts and recognising they are not the truth, is key to breaking free of the critics’ power.

Dr. Martin Seligman, author of, Authentic Happiness … offers a three-step technique to counteracting the effects of our inner critic and other “catastrophic thoughts” (it’s ruined, I’ll never get a chance like this again, he hates me … etc).

1. Recognise that the thought is there

2. Learn to treat that thought as if it were said by some third person whose job in life was to make your life miserable.

3. Learn to dispute it, to marshal evidence against it.

Pause and listen, what does that meddling inner voice have to say? Dissociating from it, remembering it is not the real ‘us’ saying these things, allows us greater perspective. Try writing down the slander it whispers (or clamours) and the fears it un-scabs. This exercise is not intended to add insult to injury. These are not truths, this is not a list to agree with or add to, it only serves to show us our areas of sensitivity and what we are afraid of. Look for patterns in the revolving thoughts. What themes is it picking at?

Where may you have heard these opinions before? What experiences or people from your past have (perhaps inadvertently) influenced how your particular critic likes to attack and unnerve you? Does your critic get louder or meaner in certain situations, times of day, with particular company? Mine, for example, is particularly vociferous when I’m attempting anything creative, around authority figures and with people I perceive as glamorous who I feel the need to impress.

Looking at your list, start to question it.

“So what?” is a good reply to most of what your inner critic has to say. What actual evidence supports these mean allegations? Consider the facts objectively, putting any fear or shame or embarrassment to one side. Ask: if a friend had done or said what I did, would I be giving them this same grief? Is it really that important in the grand scheme of things?

Then for every negative statement on your list, create a positive affirmation to replace it.

If the critic dive bombs us, live, as mine did last week, not really in a position to stop and whip out a notebook … pause for a few deep breaths. These questions can be useful antidotes to its lashings:

What would be useful to be thinking about myself in this situation?

How would I like to be feeling instead? Then imagine that feeling.

So what if I: made a mistake, didn’t have an answer, had spinach in my teeth for the entire conversation …? Is there anything practical I can do to correct that, if not, can I let it go?

Ironically, we can consider our inner critic a much misguided, Ego self-defence mechanism. Formed in our early years, aimed to protect us and “keep us safe” by being our worst enemy before anyone else can, and stopping us from venturing outside the most minimal of lives. It also reinforces the parts of ourselves that we have disowned over time. When we compare ourselves to others, either bemoaning what we ‘lack’ or criticising others for what they are, it usually involves a part of ourselves that we are denying exists within us too. This is us projecting again, seeing ourselves in others. So the more we can accept the parts of us we fear or dread, the less nagging our inner critic can do.

Try sending some love to those bits we criticise the most: I accept that I don’t have all the answers, can make mistakes, get nervous, be needy, act like a goofball … I acknowledge my muffin-top, my frown lines, that I won’t ever look like those girls in magazines … but it is all part of the package and this is the only ‘me’ I’ve got in this lifetime, which works hard and deserves my love and gratitude ...

Then there is nothing for our critic to flay us with.

We can’t extinguish our inner meanie, but we can learn to work around them. Tying into last week’s look at rebuilding our sense of being ‘good enough’, transforming the self-deprecation, self-doubt and self-sabotage is yet another piece in the puzzle of finding that serenity and satisfaction that accompanies self-love. Accepting ourselves, warts and all, neutralises the critic’s sting and when we have hushed its noisy chatter, we can start to hear our true voice of inner wisdom sing.

Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner with Benedict Associates Ltd. Telephone (441) 295-2070 or visit www.juliapittcoaching.com for further information.