How do you feel? Not just right now, but generally: okay, fine, grumpy, bored, frustrated, stressed, anxious, depressed? Or is the majority of your time spent feeling great, content, happy, joyful?

How we feel colours what and how we see everything around us. Our emotions determine our outlook and how we respond to our world. We could have all the success, love, money and fame we could imagine, but if we feel sad and lonely, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. Tabloids are filled with these stories. And yet some people, who we might consider have nothing or are facing seemingly insurmountable challenges, carry themselves with joy, love, grace and happiness. Where does it come from?

We tend to believe that emotions happen to us and that we have no control over them, like an automatic reaction in our minds and bodies in response to a stimulus. Something ‘bad’ happens and we feel sad or angry etc. Something ‘good’, the opposite.

Yet so many examples, as I’ve mentioned, prove that it’s not our circumstances or stimuli that make us happy or sad. Instead, it’s the meaning we chose to give them that determines how we feel about them. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

How can we make up our minds to be happier? Personal development coach, Tony Robbins says three things influence the way we feel: our Physiology, our Focus and our Language. He calls them the Triad. He suggests that the habitual patterns we create for ourselves in each of these areas can keep us stuck in a rut of experiencing the same emotions again and again. We learn to ‘do, think and speak’ depression, or anxiety, or conversely happiness — whatever our go-to emotions are. Our certain ways of being or acting keep producing these same emotions and it becomes cyclical.

Robbins suggests that by radically changing even one, never mind all three, of the triad components, that you can massively change the way you feel. Let’s consider:

Physiology. The body-mind connection is undeniable. I look back in dismay at the years spent disregarding my body as merely a transportation device for my think-box. Even now I’m alarmed at how long I’m slumped at a desk or sat in conference without moving. Whatever they might be, I’d venture to say many of us have very habitual physical patterns, tending to do the same kinds of actions from one day to the next. This extends to how we hold ourselves, how we move, the way we use our voice and bodies when we speak and even how we breathe. What are the results of these physiological patterns we run?

Let’s try an experiment. Take note of how you feel right now. Then pause reading for a moment, lift your head up, shoulders back, eyes skyward, take four long deep breaths, gently pushing all the air out of your lungs with a sigh and letting them fill up fully and (if you can) raise your arms up Rocky-like in a winners pose. Go on, try it! What differences do you notice?

Scientific studies show that the mere act of smiling (from holding a pencil in your teeth, not even from pleasant stimuli) can positively alter our brain chemistry and lower stress responses. What we do with our bodies makes a difference.

Focus. I have definitely experienced times when I know I should be happy, achieving something I wanted or looked forward to, but instead of appreciating what I have, my thoughts were stuck in what was missing — the details that didn’t go right, what was left to do or next to work on. This thinking can suck the joy out of anything.

Different people can experience similar life events but because of the meaning each give it and what they come away focusing on, they go on to produce very different results. Oprah Winfrey is one of my great inspirations, whose early life tribulations are painfully familiar to many and yet rather than focus on that pain and what she didn’t have, she viewed her circumstances as impetus to propel her forward to positive change and personal growth.

Where does our focus lie most of the day? Is it on being grateful for everything we’ve got in our lives, even our challenges for providing an opportunity to learn and develop? Or is it on nitpicking minor irritations, complaints about what’s ‘wrong’, stories and events we have no control over: past grievances, others’ actions, even the weather etc.

Just for a moment, think back to a time when you felt really happy. Recall where you were, what was going on around you, what you could see, hear, smell, the sensations in your body. Then with a deep breath, step into yourself in that memory so you are seeing those things through your own eyes, experiencing them now. Enjoy that good feeling.

Thinking about positive memories literally causes the brain to release dopamine. Notice how easy it is to shift how we feel, just by changing our focus.

Language. What do we tell ourselves and relay to others? What words and phrases do we habitually use and how are they affecting us? I caught myself recently, replying to that seasonally common small-talk opener, ‘how was Christmas?’ with some really blasé and less than positive responses. “Yeh, you know … it was what it was (what does this even mean?)… All done til next year.” Hang on! There were some great parts to my Christmas (where is my focus?) but I’m communicating a very dull version of it, and I’m boring even myself whilst tarnishing the memories.

We often repeat phrases over and over — listen out for them. “I’m such a klutz”, “life’s always complicated”, “I’m never lucky” … They become mantra-like, and say them enough they become our filter for seeing the world through. We can hypnotise ourselves with our own words, which may not be helpful or supportive, and may not start off even being true. But we’ll make them that way.

What would it be useful to believe? Let’s use our language to our advantage and tell ourselves messages that will help. For me, I could try “it is what I make it” — much more powerful.

If we’re not happy with the results we’re getting — let’s do something different! I’ve written about all these concepts before, but I like this idea of combining them together to deliberately create a powerful shift in our emotion. If how we’re generally feeling isn’t serving us, let’s shake-up our habitual patterns in our bodies, in our meanings and the language we use, and work on more doing, thinking and speaking our ‘happiness and joy’.

Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.