I’m not naturally a person who sends back my soup.

There are some conversations I’d just rather avoid. I used to literally wither at the prospect of having to make a tough managerial call, or offer any feedback less than stellar, and I would rather die than deliver a ‘Dear John’ message: basically any exchange in which I thought someone’s feelings might be hurt.

I’d rather complain about the situation bitterly to everyone else but then try to pretend nothing was wrong to the person actually involved. Meanwhile what I wanted or needed to tell them would be burning a hole inside me and would seep out in backhanded ways: sleights, put-downs, veiled hints towards what I wanted. I lived in hope of being rescued: that someone else would do my ‘dirty-work’ for me, or the person would figure it out, somehow pick up on it telepathically. Anything to save me the agony of confronting them, saying it out loud, and being the bad guy.

I wanted to be ‘nice’ – a ‘good girl’ wanting to do the ‘right’ thing. For me that meant rarely ever saying ‘no’ or even giving an honest answer or opinion if I didn’t think it fit with the other person’s view, despite whatever I truly thought or felt. I spent my time trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be in an attempt to make everybody happy, even if in the end, I wasn’t.

I was an habitual people-pleaser.

I’m in good company. Recognize any of these signs, in yourself or people you know?

This personality pattern tends to have a hard time saying no or setting limits, is often seeking the approval of others and can have trouble making choices in ambiguous situations.

Pleasers tend to try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes and withhold information or feelings so as not to rock the boat. They put other people’s needs and wants before their own. They sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim and might say things like: ‘I just want to be appreciated,’ or ‘I can never do things right’ and feel they are always giving more than they get.

This behavior is almost all unconscious and generally stems from the conditioning we perceived during childhood, be it from our caregivers, school, peers, church/religious influences, or other societal messages etc. saying: put other people first, our feelings don’t count, it’s our job to make other’s happy.

Early on we may have received great approval and love when we complied with others, training us to do it more, then reinforced if we experienced judgment or disapproval for not complying. Fear may have driven us to try and please, either fear of physical threat or fear of being ignored or rejected. And a very controlling environment in which we were told how to think and feel may have left the imprint that others know what’s best for us and are in control of our lives, so we strive to please and defer our feelings to them. I am reminded of that song, ‘Mother Knows Best’ from the Disney movie, “Tangled”– a perfect example. (I have a six-year old!)

Unfortunately, like well-trained puppies, we carry these impressions from being little and vulnerable into our adult life and current life situations trigger those same responses, all in the subconscious hope of finding love and approval and in fear of rejection.

The sad truth is, we can go to all this effort and expend so much energy trying to be everything to everyone and yet it doesn’t get us what we want. We might kid ourselves that if I’m nice, everyone will love me and approve of me and if I meet other’s needs without them having to ask, they will meet mine… but this isn’t a given.

Putting other’s needs before our own and stifling our inner thoughts and feelings creates pent up resentments, helplessness, frustration, sadness and anger, which if not expressed healthily will lead to passive aggression, may turn inwards as depression or perhaps result in emotional outbursts.

Pleasers also run the risk of being targets for bullies and those who like to control. In these cases, the pleasing only works temporarily as the bully gets more and more demanding and their treatment deteriorates and the pleaser can find themselves in a dangerous downward spiral.

Breaking the pleaser habit comes from developing boundaries, self-care, self soothing and honesty. Here are some tips for beginning that journey:

Cultivate awareness about the pleasing habit: when do I tend to do it? With whom? What are the triggers? The way to identify it is to recognize when our fear of the other person’s reaction dictates how we respond. Examples include agreeing to things we don’t really want to, or manipulating the truth in order to make someone happy. If we leave an interaction feeling resentful, angry or frustrated but didn’t express that, pleasing may be involved.

This is not to say we can’t be kind and helpful, in fact when we choose to, these actions will be all the more empowering as we are coming from a place of genuine goodwill, rather than fear of not doing it.

Develop autonomy and practice setting limits, expressing desires and opinions and standing up for something you believe in. Start small and work up - this is likely a lifetime habit you are correcting. Try writing lists of things you like, love, hate, things you choose you want in your life and things you choose not to have etc. in order to better know what you true thoughts and feelings and create boundaries.

Rest assured that the feelings of rejection in reality, rarely match our subconscious fears of it. We are in fact more appealing to others when we are being true to ourselves and self-caring. This often earns their respect while allowing us to enjoy what we really want and who we are.

Try shifting the focus to see that we are in fact doing others a massive dis-service by being a pleaser. We are essentially lying to them. They miss out on the benefit of learning from our unique viewpoint or opinion, becoming aware of their areas for improvement or how to fulfill our needs going forward. If we really want people to be happy, we will share our truth and not let them operate under some false illusion we’ve created which may hurt them down the road.

Being small and not who we are, serves nobody. It results in eventual hurt and upset, either ours or theirs. Instead, aligning with who we truly are and what we truly want is the ultimate gift we can give ourselves and others… and what could be nicer and more pleasing!

Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on (441)705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.