Jerome and Dee Stovell were childhood friends. They lived in the same neighbourhood and went to the same church. As teens they hung out together and talked for hours. Then one day, Dee looked at Jerome and realised he was everything she ever wanted in a man.

“I thought, why didn’t I see it before,” she said.

Mrs Stovell is in charge of the Supreme Court and Mr Stovell is an artist, musician and teacher.

Fast forward past the proposal, the wedding and the honeymoon to married life, otherwise known as real life. They quickly found they had different styles relating to communication, child rearing, even how tidy they wanted to keep the living room. Their way of resolving conflict was different too.

“If I was upset I tended to say something, and if he didn’t say anything back I assumed he was in agreement,” said Mrs Stovell. “I come from a home where if people disagree they say so. As it turned out though, he came from a home where his family tended to avoid conflict. It took me a while to realise that just because he wasn’t saying anything, didn’t mean he was happy with the situation.”

This summer the Stovells celebrate 30 years of learning to live with one another. Over the years they have acted as marriage mentors to other couples, happily sharing what they have learned about marriage. They were also recent panellists in a forum on marriage held during International Marriage Week Bermuda.

“One of the main things we see with new couples is learning how to operate together as a team,” Mr Stovell said.

“When you come into marriage you both come from single lives,” said Mrs Stovell. “You may come from different backgrounds and different ways of thinking. Some people think that love is going to smooth everything over. It doesn’t. You really get to know someone when you live with them.”

She said often couples are caught off guard, because during a courtship everyone is theoretically on their best behaviour. After the wedding the masks start to come off.

“Sometimes we are unprepared for that,” said Mrs Stovell. “Making that transition to thinking ‘we’ instead of ‘me’ can be difficult.”

Mr Stovell said they believed strongly that marriage was a covenant, not a contract. A contract can be broken if both parties don’t live up to their end of the deal. A covenant is sacred and spiritually binding.

“A covenant means, I am committed to you unconditionally,” said Mrs Stovell. “Those are the words in the marriage ceremony. We don’t say ‘if’ in the vows. I will love you if you take out the trash or wash the dishes.”

One of the Stovells’ recommendations was for couples to educate themselves. Read relationship books, take workshops, and have a plan.

Mrs Stovell likened marriage to a three-legged race.

“When you run the three-legged race, often you don’t have a conversation first about how you are going to do it,” she said. “But if you start out by planning, by saying look first I go, then you go, then I go ... everything will go a lot smoother.”

“Know what boundaries to set within a relationships,” she said. “Have a plan for how you handle disagreements. If you don’t have a plan you default to whatever you know, which isn’t always good.”

According to the Stovells the three little words that can save a marriage are not “I love you”, but “you were right”.

“We don’t like to give up our right to be right,” said Mr Stovell. “A marriage is not a place to stand up for your right to be right. Sometimes you just have to let it go.”

Mr Stovell is a tidy person, and Mrs Stovell isn’t really that bothered by whether the magazines are all straight on the coffee table. This is one of the areas that the Stovells have learned to agree to disagree. The living room is kept tidy, but she is allowed to keep the bedroom however she wants it.

“I don’t like to say compromise because that implies one of you loses,” said Mrs Stovell. “I prefer win-win. Sometimes the issue isn’t solved overnight, it is a conversation you have to keep having.”

The Stovells have one son, but have always put their relationship first.

“Ultimately, a strong marriage relationship is what is going to help him,” said Mr Stovell.

Ultimately, the Stovells believe the best way to stay married is to stay the best of friends.