I’m a little late sitting down to write this week. I’ve been goofing-off. Very conscious of the dwindling days of the holidays, counting down to this very morning, I realised that opportunities for ‘quality time’ free from school-associated stresses, were limited.

Too often I opt for, “No, mummy’s busy. I’ve got to do my work.” This morning however, feeling guilty, I didn’t disappear off to the quiet and safety of my office, but decided to just roll with the punches … quite literally.

A lazy morning snuggle sadly rapidly proved boring for an energetic six-year old. I soon found myself on the receiving end of an interesting take on a spa treatment/effective new torture method. Wrapped head to toe in a furry, blue blankie, which smelled vaguely like dog and was slightly moist (from being chewed I think?), I was then tickled, jumped-on and thumped with large cushions. Made those big Turkish blokes in the Hammam seem like pussy-cats in comparison. But they don’t giggle as much when they do it.

When that got dull, there was a ‘clapping’ contest, ‘who is louder?’ until our palms were red and stingy. Then a game of ‘concentration’, minus the knee-slapping due to sore hands, categories are: dog breeds, colours, vegetables (“tomato is a fruit, but you can have it this once … no you can’t use ‘banana’ … not even if the tree it comes from is technically a herb … How do you even know these things?”)

There were moments I was tested, got ratty, frustrated: cereal down the side of the new sofa, bickering about wanting more TV/electronics which I am trying to discourage, our age-old argument about not leaving a trail of shoes/pyjamas/toys, etc, exactly where they happen to fall …

But I have to admit it was a fun morning. One I would have missed on by pulling the ‘work’ card: that well accepted ‘get out of jail free’ pass for most things. I know that I am lucky that my schedule affords me a lot of time with my child, but I still have to make a conscious decision to really be there with him. Often it feels much easier to sit at my desk, doing what I know how to do, managing the predictable and feeling at least vaguely confident and in control. Rather than being properly present and patient and open to what may come as soon as other people are involved.

Recently I was made privy to a conversation between two businessmen who found themselves next to each other in the plush seats of an aeroplane. Contrary to the usual First Class code, these two strangers struck up a conversation. It turned out they had a lot in common: senior management roles, divorces, teenage children, stress … After comparing notes for some time, the older of the two passed on a piece of advice — one of those good, potentially life-saving gems that come to us in the most random of moments.

“Don’t use ‘working hard’ as an excuse to avoid the real hard work of life … of what it’s really all about.”

He explained that he too was like so many in his professional arena. People in demanding careers, wanting to get ahead, to provide for their families and themselves, to afford all that life has to offer. But that, over time, in this quest, dedicating themselves to work, many of them drum out the other aspects of life: hobbies, interests, relationships with partners/children/friends, travel, health and longevity … often the very things they say they are working for.

For him, he said that work lunches and dinners slowly replaced family ones. ‘Extras’ dropped away. Even the last vestige, the reduced-to-annual ‘golf-outing with buddies’ got pushed back, rescheduled then cancelled altogether.

“It’s so tempting,” he said, “the illusion is that we are getting enough from our work … Work can be the path of least resistance when it comes to self-esteem. If we’re good at it, we get recognition, significance. ‘I’m busy all the time. I’m needed. I am important.’ We can become dependent on it for satisfaction.

In our jobs we feel in control, it may be challenging but the skill set is defined. There’s accountability but we can fall back on shared responsibility. We’re not forced to step outside our comfort zone. Whereas it takes different skills to be with people. It takes effort and empathy and vulnerability to be present and connected. These seem tenuous, feel dangerous.

Work is a very handy excuse to ‘not engage’. It is easy to hide behind because it seems important, so who can argue?

The people in our lives can’t complain because we say, ‘look at the nice house, the lifestyle we have, the pretty clothes/car/boat, the big presents, the two-week vacations’, or variations thereof. ‘See what you’re getting.’ I should get a break, or even a medal — I am providing! Don’t they realise, don’t they appreciate it?

But while that stuff is nice and quickly becomes habit and expectation, it’s not what lasts. When your children have nothing to say to you and you hardly know the person lying beside you in bed at night, apart from their list of things you haven’t done, and there’s no one to turn to for comfort or a laugh … it can feel pretty empty.

Schmoozing clients and competitive colleagues are poor substitutes for healthy relationships. Chained to a desk or glued to a Blackberry is not ‘making the most of all life has to offer’. People kid themselves otherwise. I learned the hard way. The business world can actually get along just fine without me. I’m not as important there as I like to think. My family, however, was just limping by in my absence. It turned out they really needed me, and more than just my paycheck. I also realised that to be there for them, I needed to take care of myself, all aspects of me. So now every day, no matter how demanding work is, I always ensure I make a conscious decision of what’s important. Life’s checks and balances.”

Wow. When this conversation was reiterated to me, my hat generously tipped to the honesty and candour of his sharing.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I, personally, am in no danger of over-working, but I see many people that are. Friends, clients that come through my door: workaholics disguising themselves as ‘ambitious providers’, nobly flogging themselves towards a certain picture of ‘success’ but left wondering why they are not happy or their partners are not happy, or their children.

I know work is an easy excuse to avoid the messiness of life — I use it often. But perhaps we can learn from this guy so as to avoid experiencing the same tough lessons ourselves.

It takes a conscious choice. Can we get the balance right? Even in the midst of working hard can we still remember to roll up our sleeves and get down to the really hard work of life? Sometimes messy can be fun.

Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com