Money, abuse and addiction seen behind the Island’s high divorce rate

By Jessie Moniz Hardy

They say that in the Bermuda Triangle ships have a way of mysteriously disappearing — unfortunately so do marriages.

Bermuda’s divorce rate is 21.02 percent according to a 2012 report by the United Nations.

That’s the sixth highest in the world, above countries such as the United Kingdom (18.53 percent), and Belgium (19.96 percent).

“What’s driving our divorce rate is the million dollar question, and no one is asking it,” said family counsellor Ernest Peets who runs a divorce support group with Wayne Dill.

Their practice, Divorce Care, is run out of The Counselling Centre on Point Finger Road in Paget. Since its inception two years ago they have helped about 45 people deal with divorce.

Mr Dill, who is himself divorced, had his own opinion as to what caused a marriage to break down.

“It seems money and the management of money fuels the unravelling of a relationship quicker than anything else,” he said. “It then automatically brings in the other things, such as a lack of trust, and inability to communicate.

“Money is definitely in the top three reasons,” said Dr Peets, “along with abuse and addiction as the other two most common reasons. I have never seen a divorce scenario where finances were not an issue.”

Dr Peets said the current economic climate is certainly a stress on many families, but he feels Bermuda’s divorce rate has been elevated for some time. “A lot of times a stressful situation, [like a poor economy], will reveal and amplify flaws or imbalances within a relationship,” Mr Dill said. “That is where the good communication ethic comes in. Then, it is about resetting your priorities.

“As a couple, you might need to say, ‘listen, we will have a hard time financially but we are a team and we will get this together’.”

He said sometimes trouble might start when a spouse says, ‘you are making more money than me so you should be absorbing this cost, and I should still be able to do what I am doing’. Now we are looking at an imbalance,” he said.

Dr Peets felt that premarital counselling was essential before couples tie the knot.

The pastor said he’d advised couples against marriage if he felt they weren’t ready, but they seldom listened to him.

He thought that money management and understanding each other’s attitudes to money should be an integral part of premarital counselling.

He advised that regular discussions about money, the family’s financial picture and financial goals should continue after marriage, indefinitely.

Dr Peets said it is wonderful that Bermuda families tend to be very close traditionally, but he said this closeness can add a stressful dynamic to relationships.

The Royal Gazette knows of one woman who soon after marriage, found her husband’s very large family at her door expecting to be fed.

This continued regularly until the couple divorced.

“Many families are unable to grow independently, simply because of how our economy works,” Dr Peets said. “Once we reach mid-twenties, we may get married, but are often still living in the family home even if it is downstairs.

“There may be over involvement with in-laws or other family members. Because Bermuda is so small and everyone is in your business, we become very isolated.”

He said not enough couples reach out for counselling when they experience difficulty.

Some people don’t seek help for fear of confidentiality issues. “There is an aversion to getting help,” he said. “Most couples and individuals don’t utilise couples counsellors and therapists as often as they need to. In Bermuda, confidentiality and impartiality are big issues.”

He said infidelity in Bermuda is also a big problem.

“Infidelity in a relationship can show that there is a problem with the whole integrity of the relationship,” said Dr Peets. “One would argue the commitment level wasn’t where it needed to be at beginning of the relationship, something has changed, or someone’s needs haven’t been met in the relationship.”

Mr Dill said an important part of their programme was going over what marriage really means. “Nowadays you hear a lot of people saying marriage is just a piece of paper,” said Dr Peets. “When you drive a car your driver’s licence is just a piece of paper too. But if you get into an accident in an unlicensed, uninsured car, suddenly that piece of paper is very important. It’s the same in a marriage.”