Most of us want healthier relationships — whether that be more romance in a marriage or trust and honesty in our friendships.

But how do we get there?

US motivational speaker and relationship coach Tony Gaskins Jr provided locals with the answers to their hard-hitting questions about life and love at The Real Love Tour event, organised by the VIP Group on Monday evening at City Hall.

He said while there were many people who could look at other people’s lives and point out their problems, few people took the time to look in the mirror to identify the weaknesses in their own lives.

This reflection can be even tougher here in Bermuda, he explained, because it’s a smaller population and therefore more people know your business when you slip up. But he applauded those in attendance for choosing to love themselves enough to come out and make “a deposit into their lives”.

Here are some of Mr Gaskin’s tips for how to create more healthy, loving relationships in your own life:

Love starts with yourself. Mr Gaskins urges people to learn what it means to really love themselves before ever getting into a relationship. That might mean they have to wait until they’re older than they planned — perhaps age 50, 55 or 60.

However when you’re in a rush to find love what often happens is you end up settling for less than you deserve. Once you start loving yourself, when the people around you (friends, family, spouse) demonstrate they can’t love you to that same degree it means you’re able to walk away.

Once you change and start valuing yourself more, he said, the people in your life either have to rise to your level or be prepared to walk alone. They have to “get right or get left” and “step up or step out”, he said.

Don’t bring the past into a new relationship. We all experience pain at some point in our lives. Many people take those hurts, internalise them and end up carrying them around with them and sabotage the next relationship. To ensure that doesn’t happen you have to identify what the pain was and let go of it.

You have to allow yourself to heal. This involves getting new knowledge, Mr Gaskins said. “Look at the relationship, break it down and allow yourself to believe and know that what you had wasn’t real love.”

Cut all ties with an ex. Mr Gaskins said with every intimate relationship you’re in, you end up giving a piece of yourself away — this is called a soul tie. What happens with people who are in and out of relationships regularly is when they finally meet that person who can love them, they have none of themselves left to give.

Mr Gaskins said it’s important to give yourself space so you can reflect and heal after a relationship is done. “It’s a little tough on the Island. You try to break up with someone and you bump into them every day,” he said, with a laugh.

But do whatever it takes to create distance — block them on Facebook, Twitter or social media, get a new phone number and if you’re friends with that ex’s family, let them know you won’t be speaking to them because you need to heal.

Identify what you need to change. Try and pinpoint what negative lessons you learned while growing up and what those may have taught you about life and love. Maybe you had men in your life, a father, uncle or older brother, who were womanisers. Or perhaps you learned to be too independent after watching your mother raise her children on her own. Mr Gaskins said people tend to learn these unhealthy behaviours from a young age and think they are normal.

Understand what it truly means to be a man or woman. Mr Gaskins said many people need to relearn what they know about the opposite sex. This is important because one can’t have a relationship, if they don’t know how to relate to their partner. Males are often taught to be manly, demanding and controlling, but they can get more done if they learn to communicate with understanding, Mr Gaskins said.

Men also need to understand that being a leader, doesn’t mean running a dictatorship. “You have to lead with love and service,” he said. “You don’t tell her what to do, you show her by what you do yourself.

If you want to be treated like a king, you need to treat her like a queen.”

He said being a man means taking care of the home, not just financially, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Look inward for your self worth. Men tend to equate their self worth to their net worth and how much they earn at work.

But he has found that the real value of a man should be in his inward character — most importantly his ability to love one woman with all his heart and be 100 percent faithful to that woman.

In his own life, real blessings started showing up when he stopped focusing on what was going on outside the home and put his energy and focus into his wife and family.

He went from making $20,000 a year through illicit activity to making that same sum from just one speaking gig.

This is because his priorities were now in check.

Don’t let your partner disrespect you. Mr Gaskins believes we teach people how to treat us based on what we accept. He said people need to set their standards and not let a person give them anything other than that. Once a woman allows herself to be disrespected in the home, by letting a man curse her out or run over her, that kind of treatment will continue, he said. It also opens up the door for cheating to happen, according to Mr Gaskins.

“You become unattractive to that man. He no longer likes or respects you. So you have to respect yourself.

Men love strong women because we like a challenge. That’s why we work hard, grind hard and hustle hard. Only what he works for does he appreciate.”

Learn to communicate effectively. Instead of shouting and placing blame on your partner, use ‘I feel’ statements. Say ‘I feel like you are not respecting me’ or ‘I feel like I’m the only one pulling weight’.

This is entirely different than saying ‘You don’t do this or that’ or ‘You are so inconsiderate’. Another tip for communicating is to talk at room tone, rather than shouting, cursing or name calling.

Mr Gaskins said people should “seek to understand” their partner, which in turn will help them to be better understood.