God worked a miracle
There are many couples that appear happy from the outside. Behind closed doors however, their relationship is on the verge of falling apart.
So it was with Stephen and Carolla Lowe seven years into their 20-year marriage.
“We experienced a lot of family issues,” said Mrs Lowe. “There was sickness and a death in the family — all in the space of 12 months.
“We also had three children ranging in age from 16 to a newborn, so we were trying to do the teenage things, the tween things and had a newborn baby there. On top of that there were financial issues, job changes going on and it just took its toll on our marriage.”
Because their communication styles were different, the pair would often retreat to their “own corners of the boxing ring”, she said.
At their lowest point they were contemplating divorce.
That is until Mrs Lowe turned to God to help turn her marriage around.
“For me I had to make a conscious and deliberate decision to repair my marriage,” she explained.
“I realised my marriage was really in trouble and had to decide whether or not the vows I said at the altar were a contract or a covenant.
“I knew that if I started to do what God wanted me to as a wife then my marriage would be salvaged.
“I started treating Stephen like he was my best friend.”
These days their relationship is stronger than ever.
They coach other couples on marriage and give them tools to navigate through the challenges that may arise.
Tonight they will join Jonathan and Alana Rogers and Jerome and Dee Stovell for a special round table discussion at Marsden First United Church.
None of their marriages have been perfect.
The couples will answer anonymous questions about marriage in a “fun, non-threatening environment”. A light dinner will also be served.
They are hoping people will leave with a sense of hope that things can get better and that their marriage can turn around. “We are speaking from experience and from the point of being on the verge of divorce,” she explained.
“We are not speaking from some high and mighty place.”
Mrs Stovell and her husband were very good friends long before they became involved.
They married 30 years ago. Sometime between then and now, communication started breaking down and resentment started to build.
Mr Stovell said: “Dee’s background is one where she was taught to always speak her mind, but I learned from my mother to always keep the peace.
“I became emotionally withdrawn and unhappy, but didn’t tell her.
“I ended up getting involved in another relationship and was about to say, ‘That’s it, I’m leaving’.
“We got to the point where the divorce papers were signed. But God worked a miracle. We know that it was nothing that we had done, it was God’s hand.”
It took five years to rebuild their marital relationship and their individual relationships with God.
They had to ask God to show them how to love their spouse.
Mrs Stovell said one reason marriages fail is because people don’t understand what it’s really about.
“We come into the union with expectations that we aren’t even aware that we have until they’re not met,” she explained.
“We also don’t seem to be investing in the marriage. We get married and just assume it’s going to be amazing on its own.
“But as with anything else in life, you take the time to learn about it and spend time getting better at it.
“What people are doing with marriage is they are holding in a lot and don’t say what’s going on until it’s almost too late and their mind is already set in the wrong direction. Then they ask for help.”
Another problem is people tend to lack skills needed to communicate and understand each other, Mr Lowe said.
“There’s no instruction booklet so we don’t spend any time getting ready for the marriage, everything is preparation for the wedding.
“Each partner has different habits and ways of looking at things and you smash these two people together in the same space.
“At first they are in love and the grass is green and sky is blue. But down the road, if you don’t know how to communicate properly with your spouse, it leads to other problems. Little things can start to become big things if you don’t know how to fight well.”
He has found that on average it takes couples ten years before they start operating as one.
Most people bail before that time.
Mr Stovell suggests that people should be whole within themselves, before entering into marriage.
“If you aren’t whole then you have nothing to offer the other person,” he said.
“You can’t go into the marriage expecting the other person to fulfil you and make you happy. As Christians we believe only Christ can fill the deepest void in our souls — so that’s where as Christian couples we do have the right recipe. If we did it according to God’s way, we would win it every time.”
The Marriage Round Table Discussion entitled: ‘Why In The World Did I Get Married?’ will take place at Marsden First United Church tonight at 6pm. Call 293-7045 for more information.
Three actions that can benefit your marriage:
1. Be deliberate. Make a conscious effort when it comes to your marriage. Spend time improving the relationship. This could be anything from setting a regular date night with your spouse or taking time out to write them a love note to brighten their day.
2. Communicate. Good communication is the key to any great marriage. You need to be able to discus the difficult things, just as you would talk about the good things.
3. Pick your battles. Don’t sweat the small things when it comes to your marriage. Some things aren’t deal-breakers but can escalate into a huge fight if you’re not careful. Sometimes if you are constantly fighting about something small, like how one partner folds the laundry, it can mean there’s a bigger underlying issue such as a lack of trust or respect or not feeling safe or loved.
