Dear Dr Nekia,

I am seeing someone who is a single dad and am finding it difficult for us to connect. I must admit that it is kind of weird dealing with a single father and I am used to dealing with fathers who only have their children every other weekend.

I sometimes feel bad for wanting to spend more time with him because I know he is trying to be a good father, but I also can’t seem to help feel neglected at times. Our relationship is fairly new and I don’t want to go elsewhere for the attention that I need. Am I being selfish?

Sincerely,

Starving For Attention

Dear Starving For Attention,

I do not think that you are being selfish per se. Rather, it is natural to feel excited about new relationships, and along with that comes a desire to be with that other person as much as possible. Also, it is common for either one or both persons involved to have to deal with someone who is a single parent. I will admit that it is more commonly the mother who has primary custody of the child(ren), however a father who does should be given the same understanding that one would give to a single mother.

Fathers are emotional and nurturing just like mothers are when they are fulfilling their role of primary caregiver. You will have to accept his time constraints and his obligation to his children, or you will have to move on to someone else.

Be honest with yourself, and do not allow him or his child(ren) to get emotionally attached to the idea of you being a part of their lives if you do not intend on sticking around for the long haul. Relationships with persons who are parents should never be taken lightly as there is always a chance for the child(ren) to be affected, whether directly or indirectly. Set your priorities straight and determine whether or not someone who is more available to you is best.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I recently broke up with my long-term partner just before the New Year. We were having a lot of problems in our relationship that I did not want to carry with me into 2015. However, since then my ex has been doing and saying all the right things, and he is promising that he realises that losing me is not what he wants to happen. I am so confused now and I don’t know what to do. Should I give him a second chance?

Sincerely,

Confused In The New Year

Dear Confused In The New Year,

First you must revisit those reasons why you ended the relationship in the first place. Chances are that if the issues were large enough for you to have finally ended the relationship, that they are also far too big to have gone away overnight.

Then you must ask yourself some key questions such as, “Do I think that he has really had enough time to fix his contribution to our issues? Am I ready to let the hurt and disappointment of the past go? Do I really trust him?” It is very important that you trust that he is capable of change and that he is being honest with you.

If you cannot trust that 100 per cent, I would advise you not to re-enter into the relationship ... at least not right at this moment, because any doubt that you have will affect the success or failure of the relationship. This is because he will not appreciate you not believing in him, and your view of things that occur within the relationship will be clouded by your doubt and/or fears.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Me and my fiancee are excited about getting married, however our friends and families are less than thrilled. We are from drastically different cultures and everyone seems to think that we will not make it together because of this. I must admit that things get a bit uncomfortable around the holiday times because of a difference in beliefs, but we feel that if we love each other we can see past our major difference to stay together. All of this outside influence is beginning to have me question things a bit. Is it possible for people of different cultures to be happy together?

Sincerely,

Culture Shocked

Dear Culture Shocked,

To answer your question, yes it is possible for two individuals who come from different backgrounds to be happy together. However, if things are already a bit tense around family gatherings and holiday times then you and your fiancee will have to have some serious discussions about how this will affect your relationship.

Consider when children come to be involved as well. Which culture or religion will they ascribe to? Which language will be their primary language? Which holidays will they celebrate? It is very important for children to feel as though they belong not only in their family but within a respected culture. Oftentimes, children of mixed cultures feel confused, left in the middle, or torn between the two.

This is not healthy. Yes, they will be of mixed cultures but they must have a strong foundation in one or the other or both, in order to have a solid sense of who they are in the world.

Of particular importance is to note whether or not your cultures collide or counteract one another. If so, stressing equal importance of both can certainly be confusing for children and the social dynamics of friends and family.

Although a touchy subject, all of these matters MUST be worked out before the “I dos”.