Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m 19 years old and am in love with my high school girlfriend. I work as a carpenter’s assistant and like what I do. I asked my girlfriend to marry me but both our parents do not think it’s a good idea. I love her. What’s the big deal?

Sincerely,

Don’t See The Big Deal

Dear Don’t See The Big Deal,

What may not look like a big deal to you will definitely be a big deal to most parents these days. Reason being, because we have evolved into a society that values growing maturely in the areas of education and obtaining money while putting personal growth a distant second ... well at least until we are older. In fact, personal growth is often defined by the setting and reaching of educational goals that enable us to have a stable financial future. Love is seen as a choice that is to come after these other goals are met. Parents, mainly out of fear, tend to frown upon such marriage commitments so early in life because they fear that you are not thinking clearly. Young love is often seen as being purely emotional or sexual and therefore not serious. It is also seen as being dangerous in that it can seriously hurt you emotionally and distract you from achieving those educational and financial goals that I previously mentioned. Many parents feel that their children, especially male children should “play the field” in order to know what you like, have fun, and get urges out of your system. They see it as there is plenty of time for you to get serious. This way of thinking has some positive, but many negative origins of thought and consequences. One of which is the mental, emotional, an physical health and safety that is jeopardising to both male and female “players of the field”.

With that being said, I am not sure of the exact reasons why the parents involved are against this union. Maybe they see valid signs that neither one of you is ready for such a serious commitment. I do not know the details, but what I did offer you is some insight into possible reasons why it is such a big deal to them. In the end it is you and this young lady who will shoulder the responsibility of your choices. Give it some more serious thought and discussion, and always do what is right and good for the both of you. You will be taking on the responsibility of a wife and possibly children. This is not to be taken lightly.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My husband is very flirty with other women. He calls everyone baby, and often compliments women on how they good they look even while in front of me. This makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I just laugh it off to avoid the awkwardness. I talk to my girlfriends about it but they say that it is nothing to worry about, and that I should be glad that he is doing it front of me and not behind my back. Are they right? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Sincerely,

No Flirting Please

Dear No Flirting Please,

Some people say that all men flirt so get over it. False. Some say that it is good that he does it in front of you because it means that he feels comfortable to be himself around you. Yes and no. His comfort could also be an indication of comfort with being offensive or disrespectful of your feelings while in your presence. This is never ok. There is always more than one way to look at a situation, so do not be bullied into seeing it how others do. What matters here is not right or wrong, but your feelings. If you are feeling disrespected or uncomfortable with your husband’s behaviour try talking to him about it. Begin by trying to understand why he does it before you go straight into pointing fingers. His intentions may be innocent in that he is unaware of his behaviour or how it is affecting you. Do you run the risk of him doing it anyway, or of him secretly doing it behind your back? Yes. However fears of these should not deter you from expressing your honest feelings and point of view. Ultimately it will be his decision how he conducts himself, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if he apologises to you and stops the behaviour all together after he sees how much it truly hurts tour feelings?

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is flirting online cheating?

Sincerely,

Online Friend

Dear Online Friend,

It depends on the relationship. Some people think that it is cheating and some think that since there is no physical contact that it is harmless. What is most important is that both people involved in the relationship agree that it is okay or not. If one is sneaking, hiding, lying, trying to fill a void with the relationship, or neglecting their partner in preference for online correspondence, then it is not innocent and it is detrimental to your relationship. I personally think that mental entertainment of attention outside of a committed relationship often serves as an easy transition into physical cheating which can become sexual in nature. However, some would disagree and stand by the fact that they would never take things further and that flirting enhances their relationship with their partner, lover, or spouse.