Dear Dr. Nekia,

I recently had a somewhat disturbing conversation with my mom who told me that there is no such thing as real love and that any woman looking or waiting for it is living in a dream world. This surprised me that she would say these things because she has been married to my dad for 40-plus years, and she is a Christian. If love did not keep my parents together then what did? And aren’t Christians supposed to believe in love and believe in loving everyone?

Sincerely,

Confused About Love

Dear Confused About Love,

First you must understand that not only do people get married for many different reasons, but also that they stayed married for many different reasons that may or may not have anything to do with love.

Often, a level of respect and tolerance with a bit of affection is all that may be needed in order to keep a couple together who both have agreed to, for whatever reason, be committed to one another.

As children or as offspring of our parents, we tend to want to believe that our parents are amongst those fortunate enough to have fallen in love, gotn married, and stayed married for no reason other than love.

This is mainly because such an idea provides us with a level of surety and comfort that we ourselves were conceived in love. Most humans gain a sense of hope and purpose through knowing that their origins began in love. However, the reality is that love is often viewed as flighty feelings or emotions that are built upon fantasy.

Most people have come to value friendship, acceptance, and mutual respect as cornerstones to a successful relationship. I think that our idea of what love is is mainly the reason for this. When we begin to know love to be more than a passing emotion or a temporary chemical reaction of the brain then we will begin to understand and value it much more. Sadly, our society does not think the topic of love to be important enough to invest time and resources in teaching. In any case, your mother may very well be a naysayer of love.

As for whether or not Christians are believers in love, you are correct that they should be. In fact, according to their manual of life (the Bible), love is the foundation of one’s existence which is realised with every breath. Unfortunately, most often, the church does little to go in-depth into this principle, as much energy is given to teaching “right” from “wrong” and the do’s and don’ts of living life. This is a most unfortunate oversight in that within a state of love most rules would not be needed, as love itself guides ones will.

Dear Dr. Nekia,

I recently slept with my ex-husband. He is the father of my children but we have been apart for twenty years. I never re-married and am currently uninvolved, but he just finished going through a lengthy divorce. He and I ended up talking one night and one thing led to another. For me it was just one night, but for him it seems to be more.

When I expressed to him that I have no desire to rekindle a romantic relationship with him, he did not take it well and has since been doing and saying things to convince me that we still have something special between us. I must admit that the attention feels nice and that a lot of memories have come flooding back, but I also can not forget the hurt of the past. Is it possible to be together again after all these years?

Sincerely,

Reliving The Past

Dear Reliving The Past,

It is important that you take a minute to pause here. Several factors must be considered before you can even begin to make a decision about your situation.

As with any past relationship that may have the potential of resurfacing, you both must be certain that the issues that ended your relationship in the first place are no longer issues. Time has the potential of healing all wounds, however time also has the potential of causing us not to remember unpleasantly real facts.

Should those same issues go unrealised and unresolved, your rekindled relationship will suffer no different fate then that of the past. Secondly, you must discern nostalgia from real affection. Nostalgia can often confuse the mind into thinking that the heart still carries genuine feelings associated with love. Next you will want to be sure that his revived interest in you is not out of regret, guilt, or remorse for the failed relationships he has had with you and his most recent ex-wife.

This is especially important when dealing with people who are middle aged and older, or those who feel that their biological clock is ticking away. In short, take things slow. Familiar, though comfortable, is not always better, and in many ways a rekindled relationship can be more complicated than a fresh one.

Dear Dr. Nekia,

First let me say that I am a happily married man who loves his wife and family.

Right now my wife is away on a business trip and will not be back for a few more months. She has been gone for three months already now, and I am missing her more and more. I also am beginning to find it increasingly more difficult to satisfy myself sexually. I am noticing women more and even find myself flirting a little bit. Nothing serious of course. Like I said, I love my wife. Is there anything that I can do to make holding out until my wife comes back much easier?

Sincerely,

Holding Out

Dear Holding Out,

As with most anything, success first begins with perception. You will want to be aware of the way that you think about and how view this experience. For example, telling yourself that you are “holding out” is probably creating more anxiousness than you may think. Reason being is that such a term carries with it a negative idea of having to do without or having to refrain from something.

Yes you can not have physical sex with your wife but you can make things a lot easier for yourself by choosing to focus on the more positive possibilities. Begin to say that you are regenerating instead of with-holding. Use this time to explore new desires that you can look forward to sharing with your wife upon her return.

Surely you miss her, so take the time to think of being creative in how you can show her just how much when she is back in your arms. Take on a new project around the home with the sole intent of pleasing her. Such thoughts and activities will not only keep you busy in a positive way, but will also help you to feel connected to your wife no matter how far apart you may be right now. If you truly love your wife, viewing sex as an act of sharing and love will not be difficult for you. Yes sex is a natural human desire and bio-psycho instinct, but how we view the act is very much a choice that we can control. Focus your sexual desire on expression of longing for your wife, rather than on releasing or feeling good for the moment. In these things you can begin to realize that your misguided affection towards other women is not necessary or even healthy.

Although commonly accepted, flirting with others is not as harmless as it may seem. And since you find it necessary to repeatedly point out to me your love for your wife, you may be trying to avoid being seen unfavorably due to you having already experienced some sense of personal guilt. Your best bet is to keep your intent on how much you are looking forward to embracing your wife once again, and how her absence has created a void that you can choose to fill with thoughts and actions geared towards celebrating her return.