Dear Dr Nekia,

I am attracted to someone who is married. We do not communicate regularly but see one another in social settings, and it is very clear that we would both like to take things further.

I really respect the institution of marriage, so I always decline any advances, but lately I have been wondering: why do I have to be the one to say no? Shouldn’t loyalty lie between the husband and wife? I mean, if someone is constantly pursuing you, how many times should you have to say no? Obviously there is something wrong in their marriage, and it is not me.

On The Outs Looking In

Dear On The Outs Looking In,

Your situation points more to a morality issue rather than an issue of concrete right or wrong. Social and individual morality is based on collective and personal beliefs of behavioural codes of conduct.

Socially, there exists popular rights and wrongs that each individual decides whether or not to accept.

Our personal acceptance of these behavioural beliefs, along with any that we imagine ourselves, make up an individual’s conscience.

It sounds as though you are struggling with some discrepancies between social morality and your own personal morality.

Socially, adultery is unacceptable, no matter the reason. On a personal level, there are many who have exceptions to this rule. You may be allowing your desires to alter your own personal judgment, or it may be that your personal wants and needs override those of popular belief.

Many will want me to tell you outright that you should not get involved with this man or woman because he or she is married, but the truth is that no one other than you and him/her can make that decision. None but the two of you will make that decision.

I will, however, say that you should be sure to carefully and thoroughly consider all of implications before you act.

As for responsibility of loyalty, you are correct. Ultimately, the responsibility of loyalty lies between the husband and wife, or the individuals involved within a committed relationship.

We need to mature within our relationships and realise that we all choose which relationship we develop based on what we can personally gain from through them.

Even abusive relationships carry some level of gratification no matter how healthy or unhealthy that may be.

So, whether he or she knew about what does not matter, the issue and betrayal remains within the committed relationship. Even with this being said, however, as the person looking in from the outside of the marriage, you do hold the responsibility of being loyal and true to yourself and your own convictions. Choose wisely.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I recently had a miscarriage and while everyone has been mostly supportive, some have expressed to me that since I was not really in a financial position to support the child, it is for the best and I can move on to concentrate on me. Is it just me, or is this offensive?

Miscarried & Misguided

Dear Miscarried & Misguided,

Firstly, I would like to extend my sincere condolences on your loss. Losing a baby is certainly not an easy ordeal.

It is, however, one that is common in society, so people have become rather insensitive to it. Some people also regard children as a burden or an expense rather than a joyous addition to life. So if by offensive you mean insensitive, then the answer to your question is yes, it is.

When I was pregnant and the sex of the child was discussed, I received comments about how I should prefer one sex over the other because one is more expensive.

Upon miscarrying, I also received comments about how I could move on to focus on myself.

As women, we just grin through it, but such comments are highly offensive.

I would advise you to speak up against any comments or advice that offends you, and distance yourself from anyone who cannot respect the fragility of your feelings during this time.

In times such as these, it is easy to lose sight of what is really important in life, and we often project our own financial woes and fears on to others. Finances should not determine if one should want a boy or a girl, and it should most certainly not determine whether one feels the loss of a child more than another.

Dear Dr Nekia,

How old is too old for a single mother to be out on the dating scene?

My mom is single but I am a bit uncomfortable with her being out on the scene now that I am old enough to be out there, too.

My friends make jokes and that makes me feel worse. How do I make her stop?

Embarrassed By Single Mom

Dear Embarrassed By Single Mom,

What exactly is bothering you about this situation? Is it where she goes? Is it how she dresses, or the way that she behaves?

Generally speaking, it is never too late for someone to live their life in the pursuit of love or companionship.

Although you may think it weird, your mom has the same drive for companionship that you do. In other words, she is human.

I would say that different age groups should frequent age-appropriate places. Meaning, people of certain ages should go to places where other singles of their own age group congregate.

This may help to alleviate some of the embarrassment that you could be feeling.

However, keep in mind that Bermuda is a very small place, so you and your mom may run into one another from time to time.

As for your friends, smile and say something like, “yeah isn’t my mom pretty? I hope that she finds the man that she deserves”. The point would be to feel at ease and show your friends that you are comfortable with your mom dating.

Even if you really are not so comfortable, once your friends think that you are, they may back off with their teasing.

If your mom’s way of dress or behaviour is the problem, talk to her about how you feel and, if nothing changes, you may be forced to avoid places where she tends to go.

In the end, she is an adult and cannot be made to change. Hopefully she will be accepting of your concerns and the two of you can work out a system of dating that is comfortable and fair for both of you.