Dear Dr Nekia,

Why is it that mothers tend to raise their daughters while nurturing their sons?

Sincerely,

Dawn Rochester

Dear Dawn,

This is an interesting question in that it calls us to first look at the population of the women you are speaking of.

It is not a cross-cultural or social phenomenon for women to respectively raise versus nurture their daughters and sons.

This trend in parenting is most often seen amongst lower economic and disenfranchised populations.

The reason being is greatly due to high volumes of single-parent homes and the frustration as well as effeminisation of the males of these groups who find it difficult to thrive or provide a soundly stable financial existence for themselves and for their families.

As such, women of these demographics feel it necessary to raise their daughters to be self-sufficient and self-preserving, while they nurture their sons by displacing their desire for emotional bonding with a male.

In other words, many women direct towards their sons the energy and efforts of love and nurture they would normally carry for an adult male partner.

This is especially true for single mothers who have been scorned. While projection of sexual feelings are not present, the mother nevertheless prizes her son as being the man in her life.

She thus overly nurtures and overly defends him, which causes him to be raised with a sense of entitlement and a lack of responsibility. Sad to say that this is seen most often amongst black households as black women often carry both the genetic post-slavery imprinting and the current witness of how society at large has very little regard for black males.

As such, the black mother will subconsciously over-nurture and shield her son from any perceived harm. This goes hand in hand with the raising of the female child because the mother realises that there is far less than a guarantee that her daughter will be able to rely upon a black male to adequately care for her.

Of course, this is dangerous in that self-fulfilling prophecy comes into play as the male grows to be weak in his resolve to come fully into manhood, and the female grows to devalue and dominate the male.

This is also a major contributing factor in the breakdown of our families today as relationships formed upon this premise nearly never survive, leaving yet another generation of single-parent households.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Why can’t I find a good man?

Sincerely,

Single & Frustrated

Dear Single & Frustrated,

Maybe you should first concentrate on finding yourself. If you find yourself first, you will be then able to find the answer(s) to your own question.

Secondly, you may want to look at your definition of a “good man”. Is it in line with who you are? Is it realistic? Does this society produce such men?

This last question may seem odd but think about it. If a society does not raise children to become men with the qualities that you seek, your chances of finding who you think to be a “good man” is near impossible. You may need to accept a shift in both yourself as well as your outlook on men in order to find the companionship that you are seeking.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My boyfriend is locked up and I wanted to know if it would be wrong of me to befriend other men while he is doing his time.

We plan on being together once he gets out so I do not want to get serious with anyone else, but I do feel that there is nothing wrong with having friends until we can be together.

Sincerely,

Prison Girlfriend

Dear Prison Girlfriend,

You answered your own question. You stated that you feel that there is nothing wrong with having friends.

Now I will ask, what is your definition of friends? And did you both agree to such friends? Are you being honest and truthful with these friends as well as with your boyfriend who is incarcerated?

Why do you even need the company of other males if you are so devoted to your boyfriend who you choose to stand by?

All of these questions need to be answered in order for you to have a clear picture of your current emotional situation. Honesty with yourself and everyone involved is paramount.

As well, you should be aware of your emotional state at all times. It is not easy standing by someone who is isolated from you, and you will want to make sure that you do not get caught up in a web of emotional attachments that you are not ready for.