Dear Dr Nekia,

I am married to a beautiful woman for 15 years now. We have three wonderful children together and I really can’t complain because she takes care of me very well. In every way except in the bedroom of course. I don’t require much and I am not greedy but it seems like I have to almost force my wife to have sex with me. She has always been a bit reserved in this area, but as the years go on I feel that things are getting worse. What can I do to help?

Sincerely,

Wanting To Love My Wife

Dear Wanting To Love My Wife,

What you are describing is a phenomenon that has come to be known as frigidity. A person characterised as being frigid seems as though they are cold to the idea of sex and sometimes even can be frozen when it comes to the very idea of intimacy.

For women there can be many reasons why this would occur.

Anything from medical issues or issues with life post-partum to religious or social cues or trauma and abuse can be the cause of why a woman is turned off from sex and intimacy.

I understand your frustrations, however you must realise that most often, for a woman, it is a combination of the above reasons that are at play.

Therefore, the problem is usually not easily solved by simply popping a pill, or talking things out. Instead, the layers need to be peeled back like an onion.

Quick methods provide instant gratification but are not always the correct or best way to treat ailments, especially those of a delicate nature. Since you say that she has always been rather reserved in expressing her sexuality, I would look along the lines of upbringing, past relationship experiences, and even abuse. Many women have their first sexual encounter through unsolicited and unwanted attention and acts. Overall frustration or resentment at the way women are seen as sex objects can also be a factor.

Many women find it disgusting the way a great deal of men overtly express their sexual wants.

Also the way a woman was raised socially and religiously often affects her ability to enjoy, as well as her attitude toward, sex.

Many of us are taught that on the one hand we should be good and decent girls who do not desire sex or to express ourselves sexually, lest we be talked about and called nasty names, and then on the other, as soon as we are married we are to all of a sudden turn into this ideal sex kitten or vixen for the sole enjoyment of our husbands.

This can be very traumatic and confusing to the human psyche and I do not think that we realise the damage that we do to women in our conservative society.

I would recommend that you first rule out any medical reasons for your wife’s troubles.

Certain conditions as well as medications are directly linked to frigidity.

Then I would address any psychological or post-partum issues that may be contributing to her attitude towards sex. Seeing as how you signed your name “Wanting To Love My Wife”, try your best to reassure her, without pressuring her, that your wanting to be with her is an act of intimacy and not just carnal lust.

Explain to her how it is an expression of your love and desire for her.

Do not expect instant results, and do not get frustrated.

Healing is a process, and she will pick up on your frustrations which will make things far worse.

You may find yourself reassuring her repeatedly until you can both grow to be in a place where intimacy is shared.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have a man friend who is getting married but says that he does not know why he is doing it. We have been friends for years, and we have been physical on and off...him wanting to be more on than off lately. My question to you is why do men get married if they do not love their woman and have no intention on being faithful to her? Why is he coming to me?

Sincerely,

Confused By Him

Dear Confused By Him,

I would first advise you to check the status of your “friendship”. If this man is indeed engaged to be married, he is using you in a sexual manner to fulfil some form of want or need. Men often use sex to release, vent, self-medicate, feel good, express love, etc.

So, there are many reasons why he could be turning to you lately. Also, trace the nature or history of your friendship.

Often times, years of friendship will reveal a definite pattern of behaviour that could point to the reason(s) for why he is drawing closer to you in this time.

It is obvious that you two may share a mutual connection, however, just remember that no matter the answer or the connection shared, this is certainly not a positive situation.

I know that it can be difficult for us women to admit, but men are often times not the big liars and tricksters that we think they are.

I say this because, most times they openly reveal their character to us, but it is we who make up all sorts of stories and excuses as to why they may be doing what they do.

At this present time, this man is revealing that he is disloyal, dishonest, and not trustworthy.

Sure you could say well that’s with her and it is because he shouldn’t be marrying her cause he does not love her, but the very fact that he has already created a life with her while seeking your affections is enough to show his disloyal nature.

Nowadays very few people just up and get married, so it may be pretty safe to say that he has already intertwined his life with hers. But let’s say he hasn’t, the fact remains that he chose to make a very serious and very public commitment to her.

What the reason is as to why he chose to do so is really none of your concern at this point because that commitment is between him and her, not you.

What you may consider to be your concern is that, once again, he is revealing a very real side of himself to you. Let’s put selfish desires and ego aside for a moment, and let’s forget all thoughts of how he doesn’t really love her and how you would probably be the woman for him. What remains is that he chose her. Not you. Her. He put time and effort into building a relationship, whether built on lies or not, with her.

Can you really trust someone who is capable of this level of deceit?

Can you really respect someone who chooses to come to you for comfort on the side? Can you respect yourself while even wanting someone like that in your life?

It is clear that this man is not making the best choices for himself, much less to be in a frame of mind to be making the best choices for you or anyone else who may unfortunately be involved.

In the end, men (and women) play for many different reasons.

Likewise, they get married to particular people for many different reasons. One thing is for sure though, it is not your fight so do not take it on.

Genuine friendship is him coming to you and revealing the truth about his feelings in hopes that you could help him to make the best decision for himself and everyone involved, not him wanting to come between your legs.

Rest assured he knows what he is doing, confused or not, and he also knows why he has chosen to marry this other woman.