Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a middle-aged man who is still searching for the right woman for me. I am confident in myself. I am handsome, dress very well, can take care of myself, have no children, and would make a good catch. When I look at myself in the mirror each day I can’t help but wonder what women are seeing that they don’t like. I approach women confidently and I am not shy. I know how to command a room. However, I am beginning to think that what they say is true, that women say they want good looking, successful men but really they do not. What’s up, Doc? Why can’t I seem to get my hands on a good women who will appreciate all that I have to offer?

Sincerely,

Mr Handsome & Financially Secure

Dear Mr Handsome & Financially Secure,

One thing that you must remember is that you can appear to be as handsome and confident as you like, but if the aura that you project to others is unwelcoming, you will have very little success in attracting the right kinds of relationships. Also, while a handsome man who is financially secure is definitely an attractive package to women, it will do very little to keep the interest of long-term relationship potentials if that is all you’re focused on offering. It is safe to say that women are attracted to men who appear confident, well groomed and financially secure if these men also have an bit of unawareness of their status. In other words, we tend to think that a man is most attractive when he doesn’t act like he knows that he is attractive. Flashy, overtly confident men come across as being pushy, conceited, and harsh. You will most likely find yourself either alone or in the company of women who look to feast off your success. Be very careful of how you are projecting yourself. Step one, leave the mirror alone. Use it for grooming purposes — and if you wish to self-reflect on your inner thoughts and emotions — but standing in front of it daily to adore yourself leads to the very sort of forward behaviour that may be turning women off.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Why is my wife no longer interested in oral sex? We have been married for a while now. She used to do it all the time while we were dating but after we married the oral attention I received declined. Then, after having the children, it went down even more (no pun intended). Now it is just on birthdays or special occasions — if I am lucky. She seems to get upset with me when I even ask for her to do it, but then turns around and says nothing is wrong. This just doesn’t add up to me.

Sincerely,

Orally Lacking

Dear Orally Lacking,

Sadly I can not tell you what your wife is thinking. I can however tell you that you are not alone in this area. SURPRISE ... or maybe not. Women change over the course of their lives and the relationship, much like with men. Our goals change as our incentives change. In the beginning we find it rewarding to please our man in every way that he likes, because the incentive is getting and keeping him. Then once married we begin to relax a little and re-shift our focus back to other areas of our lives. When children are involved this is even more the case. Our primary focus becomes our children because they are the primary source of our rewards. So as our men begin to lax on the romance and attention they gave to getting us, we tend to concentrate on friends, family and children. Chances are, we drop clues as to our unhappiness with the decline in adoration from our males, which usually goes unnoticed or unanswered. This is why I commend you for speaking up. No matter how angry she gets, do not be afraid to voice your wants and needs within your marriage. Hints and clues usually get you nowhere, so strike a balance by being clear about your wishes without being demanding or pushy. Continue to do so, and eventually your wife should get agitated enough and let you know what’s the real deal. Just prepare yourself because you might not like what she has to say. Oral sex is usually not just a physical act of stimulation to a woman. We often link it to an act of giving so, if not a result of sexual abuse, frigidity or distaste, women generally refrain from giving oral pleasure to their man because they are consciously or subconsciously choosing to withhold a piece of themselves from him. Withholding pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, within a relationship is most always due to a mental block that directs the individual to not intimately connect with their partner through engaging in that specific act. And unfortunately for you, refraining from oral sex has proven to be the rule rather than the exception.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been having trouble with lubrication ever since I underwent a full hysterectomy. Why is that? I have brought up my concerns regularly to both my GP and to my OBGYN, but they seem to just brush it off and tell me to purchase lube. I don’t want lube. What I want is for my body to do what it is supposed to do, and what it has been doing all this time.

Sincerely,

Just Dry

Dear Just Dry,

When you undergo any surgical procedure or medicine regime you are sending signals to your body. Every moment of every day, you are in direct communication with every part of your mind and body. Everything you experience and everything that you take into the body becomes a part of you because it is telling your body how to live for survival. So, when you underwent a hysterectomy, you essentially told your body that you no longer need your reproductive capacities. Your body then thinks that energy is better spent elsewhere. I could get into all of the hormonal technicalities but I will keep it simple. Basically, we are mammals. Yes, we have higher awareness capabilities but at the end of the day our bodies operate just as any other mammal. Therefore, once you no longer need to reproduce, your body thinks it no longer needs sex. The problem you are facing does not occur in every woman, but it is quite common so your doctor may not even think it a cause for concern or alarm. This may be the reason behind the relaxed attention that you think to be getting from your healthcare professionals.