Dear Dr. Nekia,

Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

Sincerely,

Enough To Go Around

Dear Enough To Go Around,

Yes it is. As long as a cohesive relationship exists.

There are many kinds of relationships that humans have within the context of love.

For instance, there is the relationship involving sibling love, spousal love, and parental love. And even though, within each of these kinds of loving relationships, love does not have to be limited to being shared between just two persons, care must be taken to remain inclusive.

For example, parents who have more than one child can love all of their children, but have to be mindful of not showing favouritism because it will inevitable lead to neglect and a starvation of love towards their other children.

Likewise, it is possible to have romantic love for two different people at the same time, however, only if the relationships are inclusive and involve complete honesty.

Once you begin to neglect someone or lie to or cheat or misuse them, you are no long operating from a place of love but rather you are then operating from a place of self service and selfishness.

In the case of romantic feelings, love for more than one person at a time is quite often mistaken for the reality of attraction, affection, and indecision.

That is, the anxiety and feelings of arousal that come from affection for multiple partners coupled with an inability to choose between them mimics the arousal states that are experienced while being in a state of love. Motive and behaviour are often used to decipher between multiple attraction and love.

Dear Dr. Nekia,

How do you know when being supportive of your partner turns into just being plain stupid for staying?

Sincerely,

Loyal Or Dumb

Dear Loyal Or Dumb,

There are a couple of sure signs that point to the fact that you have crossed the line between being loyally supportive and being a fool for love.

One is, if there is a pattern of ill behaviour towards you or the health of the overall relationship. For instance if your partner cheats and you can both move beyond it, then you are being loyal.

However, if your partner repeatedly cheats, and you repeatedly accept his or her reasons which lead you to repeated forgiveness, then you have moved beyond loyalty into a place of self-hurt.

Another sign would be that the relationship is draining your time, energy, and or resources. This happens when you get into the habit of neglecting your very own feelings, wants, or needs for the sake of those of your partner.

When you are constantly putting yourself second, you have gone beyond being supportive and have moved into a space of being self-sacrificing.

Remember, while it is very important for healthy relationships to involve a spirit of forgiveness and selflessness, it is equally important for self-preservation and the realisation that repeated exposure to hurt or neglect is not healthy, fair, or loyal; and it is most certainly not an indication of love or your ability to be strong. In fact it is the opposite. Ask yourself this, how can you be loyal, strong, supportive, and loving towards someone else when you can not even be these things for yourself?

Dear Dr. Nekia,

Should your spouse be allowed to tell you what you can or can not wear, what you can or can not do, and where you can or can not go?

Sincerely,

Do They Rule

Dear Do They Rule,

If you desire to be in this kind of relationship, whether it be to cultural, social, or religious regions, then far be it for anyone to tell you that it is wrong.

However, it is important that someone who is involved in such a relationship or marriage realise the mental, emotional, and spiritual effects of this.

Most of us would think that ideally within “loving” relationships no one would ever have rule over the other — that both partners would accept, embrace, and encourage one another to live and express themselves to be themselves as they see fit.

However, this is often not the case and rules or expectation are placed upon one another.

Usually such rules come from a place of fear and insecurity that leads to a need to control. This expresses itself as imposed judgments of moral rights and wrongs.

That is, the one who rules does so from personal inadequacy issues and fears. They then feel empowered by restricting their partners in a futile attempt to have a sense of strength through control.

The rational that is used to deem this as being acceptable is cultural, social, or religious morality.

Thus you have people who say that a husband or a wife should not wear this or do that or go these places.

This is a very common form of manipulation that a lot of people both use and subject themselves to daily with their relationships. Sadly, most do not even realise that they are being manipulated, emasculated, and stripped of their own will and power to live and be who they are.