It’s fair to say that ‘sexy’ is in the eye of the beholder. It takes all sorts and fortunately we all have individual preferences. But one ingredient tends to tip the sexy scales every time: confidence.

Who hasn’t met a handsome hunk or beauty queen who turned out to be so uncomfortable in their own skin, often overcompensating with false bravado, that their good looks quickly tarnished. Equally there are folks, not the typical ‘pin-ups’, whose charisma and deeply settled self-possession are enough to make one swoon. Confidence is attractive.

Fitness articles and gyms advertise: ‘Get your body bikini ready!’ But what about our mindset?

The beach at the weekend was my first time in the water this year. I noticed others reluctantly shedding beach-covers and T-shirts, mostly women, some fellas too, hardly breathing to hold their stomachs in, shrinking into themselves as they dashed from towel to the camouflage of the water, complaining or excusing their size, shape, state of body. I recognised it because I was one of them.

“Why don’t you just wear your bathing suit?” my son asked.

“Nu-uh, I’m too out of shape,” I replied, self-consciously donning a modest athletic skirt to swim in that I hoped would hide all manner of embarrassing … what? Evil? In reality, just cellulite, jiggle, unruly ‘backyard’ — human stuff that most of us have in varying degrees, which trying to hide, I no doubt drew attention to.

Reality check: what messages did I just pass on to my child? Setting parameters around what is physically ‘acceptable’? Modelling embarrassment of our bodies and critical, superficial judgment of ourselves and others? Am I not just perpetuating crippling social/cultural myths about how we should look and our inadequacy if we don’t fit that mould?

There may be a desire to be healthier, more physically fit but shame of our bodies in the meantime serves no one. Can we help make peace with our physique?

Here’s one interesting suggestion I was offered: ‘Dance alone in front of the mirror … naked’.

No, it’s not particularly comfortable, at first. How often do we look at ourselves in our raw state, seeing how our bodies move (some bits on their own!), and finding acceptance that this, too, is who we are. Can we be grateful if we have legs that carry us, or arms to hold those we love, and for everything that our individual bodies do for us? Can we own and embrace the scars, the thighs, the big boobs/the small boobs, the fact we’ve been working too hard (perhaps not enough on ourselves), or that we just like pie! Can we acknowledge that, yes, we’d feel better fitter, at least healthier, but we needn’t put off life and happiness until we are.

Confidence isn’t about putting it all on show. I’m naturally a bit of a prude and think that less is more when it comes to flesh on display, but that’s just my taste. In a bikini or not, ‘sexy’ is just about really appreciating and loving the skin we’re in.

Get in touch to learn more about improving body image and personal confidence.

• Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.