Dear Dr Nekia,

Do you think that someone who receives a diagnosis of HIV should tell their friends and family? Don’t they have a right to know?

Sincerely, Right To Know

Dear Right To Know,

No matter the health diagnosis it’s very personal to the individual. Everyone has the right to their privacy. With that being said, people should not expect to be told nor should they feel offended that they were not told unless the disease can directly affect them. With communicable diseases such as HIV/Aids a person should disclose their diagnosis to those who have the greatest potential for coming into contact with their bodily fluids. To not do so is irresponsible. However, though others not at risk for contraction may feel slighted, we must remember that there is a great stigma involved with such a diagnosis as this. To date, unfounded prejudices and unfair treatment of those tested positive for HIV/AIDS is still an unfortunate reality. A lack of education and misinformation leads to a lack of compassion towards and acceptance of the individual who has been diagnosed and sometimes secrecy is the only haven that individuals with communicable diseases have.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am considering living with a woman who has children from a previous relationship. I love her but the only thing that is holding me back is how she always takes the side of her children. Yes, a woman should make sure that her children are taken care of, but it is difficult for a man when she always puts them above him and always believes them and takes their side. I cannot even correct them when they do wrong because she accuses me of just not liking them if I do. Isn’t there some common ground that women can come to when it comes to their children and their relationship? Don’t I get some sort of credit for wanting to help raise them? I feel she takes me for granted like I’m just supposed to suck it up.

Sincerely, Never Number One

Dear Never Number One,

Blended families carry their own unique challenges that they must overcome. Firstly, it seems as though you are feeling as though you are being under-appreciated for your efforts. Parents must be careful to keep in mind that a lover is not obligated to love, or even like, their children. We sometimes unfairly expect our lovers to do so and, if they do not, we write them off as being horrible people. Just as with any relationship, it takes time for genuine bonds to form between children and non-parental adults. And it can be very difficult for many single parents to separate their adult relationships from their parental relationships with their children. You are valid in wanting to be appreciated. Secondly, it seems that your love interest does not realise that she is undermining you and pushing you away with her behaviour. She does need to realise that, unless you have given her reason to think otherwise, you are not the enemy of her children. As well, if she is not ready to welcome you into their lives fully, then she most certainly is not ready to build a home with you. You do not want to move in with children who you cannot correct or set rules for. You will begin to feel like a stranger in your own home. Until she is comfortable with you being fully present for her and her children, you may need to reconsider the move-in. She needs to first respect you before her children will, and as long as she is being mother hen, you can expect to continue to feel second at best.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My girlfriend is obsessed with plastic surgery. She has not had any work done yet but she is constantly watching TV shows about it or surfing the web on it. I try to tell her that she is beautiful just the way she is, but this seems to only anger her. She feels that people are lying to her when we tell her that she is beautiful, and her family and friends do not know what else to do to get through to her. Is there anything that we are not saying but could be saying to convince her that she does not need plastic surgery?

Sincerely, She’s Beautiful Just The Way She Is

Dear She’s Beautiful Just The Way She Is,

For most of us, a little reassurance goes a long way to boost our confidence however, sometimes compliments do little or are even counterproductive to making us feel secure about our bodies. Your girlfriend sounds as though she has much deeper body issues than she is letting on. This would explain her insistence that anyone who does not agree with her perception of her appearance is being untrue to her. In truth, she would not be a good candidate for cosmetic surgery. Surgeons are supposed to thoroughly interview all potential clients for signs of psychological distress regarding body image, and your girlfriend is showing clear signs that she is in turmoil. Please understand that no one “needs” cosmetic surgery. It is a choice often made to make the individual or the public feel more at ease with one’s appearance. Therefore, cosmetic surgery is great for those with body deformities or abnormalities that make them uncomfortable. However, cosmetic surgery is risky and should not be taken lightly by those who want to alter their appearance for vanity or to fit the status quo of beauty that belongs to the day. I urge you to support your girlfriend by continuing to reassure her while encouraging her to seek the needed professional help in dealing with the serious issues surrounding her body image perceptions.