Dear Sir,

“What is in the best interest of the child?” This phrase is repeated so often in family court and by lawyers.

It is surely the guiding principle of all our dealings as parents, so what goes so terribly wrong?

I write from the perspective of a single father. His mother and I looked after him together in a shared manner for the first five years.

I write also from the perspective of a parent who considers it an absolute joy to be a single parent with no child support.

I could never understand the people who bemoan being a single parent and speak of it as a hardship that demands sympathy.

If you have ever had your child held from you by a court or the other parent, you will never complain when you finally have a normal and secure physical presence with your child. My son’s mother has unlimited access and time. He is now in his late teens.

I would like to believe everybody can or will do the right thing for their offspring, but sadly we do not see that happening.

The variables are numerous: too young, immature, selfish, a violent or abusive background, unsympathetic on one side. Or, if we are lucky, unselfish, sacrificing, mature, experienced and capable of compromise. The child too often gets lost in all this drama and his or her world is upended on a daily basis.

There can be no taking of sides on gender when we know that women can be equally as unskilled at parenting as a man.

When there is a separation between the parents, it is natural that the child is with the mother, but it is not natural that the father is cut out of the equation.

The reasons get complicated quickly by emotions, recriminations and hurt. I do believe that behind all anger lies hurt. This is the point at which I believe mediation is required and quickly, to dampen the overreactions and stifle the resentment.

Too often this does not happen for years, if at all. By then your child has been damaged, whether you recognise it or not.

It is the supreme arrogance of a parent to justify their actions of bad behaviour with pronouncements that children are tough and they will get through it.

Lack of complaint or overt acting out does not signal lack of emotional damage, which we all know may appear later in life, perhaps detrimentally when they become parents.

I support Childwatch because the founders are not just focused on men’s rights but on educating men on how to be a contributing father who deserves equal time with their children.

They do not support men just because they are men. They look to give support to men who are being denied participation and who love their offspring enough to fight for their right to take care of them.

There are men who do not pay child support. There are men who cannot pay child support, or at least to the level being asked.

If you love your child and wish to be part of their life, forget the money. Do what’s best to create a more secure household for your child to live in.

To the courts, mediators and custodial parent, when the non-custodial parent cannot afford to keep up payments for legitimate reasons, let that parent spend time with the child.

The child never asks, ‘where’s the money?’, but usually ‘where’s my Dad?’. Too often the backward thinking is to deny the parent time as a sort of emotional punishment, but who is this also punishing?

Too often a prevailing story is that of a young delinquent father who has a few children with a few women and who pays nothing. This is the extreme and, of course, intolerable, end of the spectrum. It is not the norm by which we should enact solutions.

That scenario requires long-term education within the community and a change of economic circumstances — not likely to happen as quickly as we would like.

We can, however, start realising that it is worth creating a norm where non-custodial parents are treated with more respect by the society and court system, when they earn it.

You earn it by focusing your energy on attending to the child’s needs, emotionally and financially. One does not overrule the other.

If you are a father and want respect, then focus on the child, not your dispute with the mother. If the custodial parent sees you are not poisoning the child with resentment but only supporting and caring for the child, they are more likely to compromise and make it easier.

Set aside your petty squabbles and resentment. If you cannot talk directly with the other parent, seek mediation first, not as a last resort.

The Government must listen and pledge to take action now and, if they think they have already, then step it up as a priority because a lot of us do not see much real change and it is sorely needed. The money spent on a stronger social services using counselling/mediation will pay dividends.

Non-custodial parents must step up and show unconditional love. Put all your love and energy with your child, remove hostility and know that you will be doing the right thing.

Bermudian father