Dear Dr Nekia,

I expressed to my husband that I needed some “me” time and he got upset. He says that people should not need a break from one another.

I tried to explain to him that it’s not that I don’t love him and the children, I just need a break to myself.

He is offended by my request and says that he wonders how I would feel if he was to say he needed a break from me and the children.

Am I being selfish or wrong for wanting “me time”?

Sincerely, Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

No, you are not being selfish or wrong. Everyone needs time to themselves to relax and regroup. It is very important that this time is taken, especially when you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed.

Ideally you would take time to yourself to prevent negative feelings. However, if not, then you should certainly invest in personal time to yourself once you recognise that you are being stretched too thin.

As women, we tend to give of ourselves to everyone while being pulled in many different directions at one time.

We have been socialised to think that being selfless and giving is part of being a woman. While this is true to some degree, you must bring and maintain balance in your life to remain healthy and mentally sound.

Everyone needs “me time” and should take it without feeling guilty.

Your husband may be displaying fear of rejection or evidence of his attachment or dependency upon you. Go ahead and schedule your “me” time and he will see that your need for it is not a rejection of him.

In future, try taking mini “me” times. For example, daily baths or daily breaks of at least ten to 15 minutes when you can focus on yourself and what you would like to do.

It will become routine and the anxiety surrounding your need for a break will subside for both you and your husband.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I think my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He denies it but he drinks quite often and it is beginning to affect our relationship.

Our sex life is not the same and I sometimes get embarrassed to go out with him in a social setting. How do you know when someone is really an alcoholic or not?

Sincerely, He May Be Addicted

Dear He May Be Addicted,

The guidelines for alcoholism are if someone needs to drink daily to function, if someone binge drinks often, if someone drinks to get drunk repeatedly, or if someone drinks to cope with their problems.

In all cases, denial is usually present and once alcohol begins to affect their daily routines, relationships, employment, or ability to live life, then there is a problem.

There are varying degrees of alcoholism and not everyone is the same, although most alcoholics display similar characteristics and share similar motivators.

If drinking is beginning to affect your relationship and his ability to perform sexually, then there is a problem.

He may not define himself as an alcoholic (as most alcoholics initially do not). Maybe you can try addressing the issue from the point of the toll it is taking on your relationship.

He may be more receptive to that rather than you outright calling him an alcoholic.

Working on the relationship may be a more comfortable focus for him, and if all goes well it is a win-win because your relationship will be better and he will be more aware of his drinking habit.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I got into a debate with friends over whether or not women can be fathers, too. One father expressed his disapproval for women being wished a happy Father’s Day. What do you think? Can women be fathers, too?

Sincerely, They Wanna Be Everything

Dear They Wanna Be Everything,

Mothers tend to ascribe themselves to the dual role of being father and mother when there is no male in the capacity in which they think he should be.

The biological father could be absent or underparenting his children, to which the mother feels the right to take credit for taking up his slack.

It all comes down to gender roles and the mother’s perception of how well the male fills his role as a father.

In reality, no, a mother cannot be a father. A mother cannot replace the position and importance of a father just as a father cannot replace the position of a mother.

Single mothers generally do not like to be told this but it is true. Male and female biological impulses, hormonal chemical make-up, and socialisation effects cause us to operate and think differently.

We can fulfil a great deal of the child’s needs that would traditionally be ascribed to the father to fulfil, but we cannot replace him.

Both mother and father are important to the child and their healthy upbringing. While a child raised by a single mother may very well grow to be healthy and productive, that special attention and energy that only a father can contribute will always be missing.

So, while some single mothers may reject the notion that they cannot be both mother and father, most would readily agree that ideally the father should be present.

They must then ask themselves why, if they think themselves capable of filling both roles and needs of a child.

I reserve the celebration of Father’s Day for fathers only. We have our day, so respect is due to them on their day; and sometimes we women need to take a back seat and encourage our men to continue to be good fathers, or encourage the ones who are struggling to become better ones.