Dear Dr Nekia,

My daughter is beginning to show an increased interest in boys and curiosity in sex. We have a close relationship so I am happy that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about it, but I am not sure if she is at the age where I can be open and honest with her about things. I know that she is a teenager and that I will have to begin to talk with her soon, but it is a lot for me to handle because it is confirmation that my baby is growing up. Just how far should I go when explaining sex to her?

Sincerely,

Avoiding The Talk

Dear Avoiding The Talk,

It is understandable that you feel some anxiety regarding the maturation of your daughter. As with all relationships, as they evolve and change, a period of adjustment is natural and to be expected.

It is good that you recognise your response to this and in order to keep your relationship with your daughter on the right path, you will want to remain aware of your feelings while embracing the woman that she is becoming. As for “the talk”, you should always be honest about sex in its entirety. That means that you will need to become knowledgable and comfortable with the emotional, psychological, and physical aspects of sex so that you can relate this information clearly to your daughter.

It is important that you are her primary source of sexual information so that she is not easily influenced by others and the media, who really do not have her best interest at heart. As not every child is the same, I believe there is not one set guideline as to what is and is not age-appropriate. It is up to you as her mother to know her and to determine, to the best of your ability, what she is mentally and emotionally ready to receive and understand.

One important guideline in determining this is to remember that she is in the adolescent stages of development where she is gaining strength in her sense of identity. It is during this stage where she will determine her belief systems and her general view of the world and who she would like to be in it.

However, a major motivator in these decisions will be the factor of instant gratification. Young people in the adolescent stages of life tend to make decisions based upon short-term rewards and punishments centred around their wants and needs rather than the needs of others. This means that while they have some consciousness of the fact that there is a future, they are not primarily concerned with long-term consequences or results.

Sexual education should therefore centre around the realities of positive and negative immediate consequences of sex while giving secondary attention to future and long-term consequences or rewards. It is because we often do not realise our young people’s focus on immediate gratification that we mistakenly drill home the long-term effects of sexual decisions which have little to no effect. What it does is instil a level of fear, which is unfortunate because fear should never be associated with sex.

Making such an association leads to unhealthy sexual identities and guilt which carries on into adult relationships. Remember that the human body naturally increases its production of sex-driven hormones during adolescence and often these hormonal surges will override most critical thinking of long-term consequences.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a bit confused. My wife is a full-time working mother who often complains of being tired so I try to help out around the house as much as possible. I say “as much as possible”, because when I try to help she takes over and tells me to go sit down or do something else. It is like she becomes territorial of the housework. Everything has to be done precisely her way and on her timeline and she often finds fault with whatever I help out with.

The confusion is that I thought that women want a man who is willing to help out. If this is true then why doesn’t she let me? Is this just another case of women saying they want one thing when they really want another?

Sincerely,

Really Confused

Dear Really Confused,

I have to smile because what you say is not uncommon and is true. Women can become very territorial over their homes. This is often referred to as “nesting”.

Nesting is a process by which women decorate, settle into and maintain a home. Similar to birds, who take their time placing every twig just right when building their nests, women have an internal need to build and maintain their homes comfortably because they want to ensure the best environment for their children and loved ones. It is true that not all women display this behaviour but if you look carefully at the ones who do not, they often have chaos or emotional trauma which presents in other areas of their lives which can manifest in not only being untidy but as clutter in the sense of hoarding or in trouble letting go of things. What I would suggest to you is that you give her space to do her thing and when she complains of being tired offer her support in other ways. You could consider maybe drawing her a bath, giving her a shoulder rub, showing extra affection, giving a listening ear, or even asking her how is it that you can help.

Sometimes women may be willing to tell you the areas where they want help and often just knowing that you care and appreciate their efforts is good enough for them.

Let her know that you are there when, and if, she needs you; reassure her from time to time and be ready to pitch in should she need you to.