It was a year since her mother died and Bernice Zaft-Gibbons wasn’t over it.

Waves of grief and anger would suddenly hit her, particularly around birthdays and anniversaries.

It was especially difficult as her relationship with her mother hadn’t always been easy.

“We grew apart over the years,” she said. “In the year between her diagnosis of leukaemia and her death, we had some good times, reminiscing, singing hymns, playing the piano, reading Bible promises and praying together.

“Unfortunately, there was also conflict. The last time I saw my mom alive, there had been another clash and we parted with tension between us.”

It was only then that Mrs Zaft-Gibbons, a PALS nurse who arrived from British Columbia 12 years ago, discovered the huge gap in grief support here.

“I quickly realised that it’s very different when it’s your own family member,” she said. “It’s very emotional.”

The 57-year-old is now helping counsel others through their grief. She and psychologist Amanda Marshall launched a support group, Understanding Your Grief, on October 1. It’s a joint effort between Friends of Hospice and PALS, based on the work of noted American counsellor Alan Wolfelt.

“Hopefully, it takes away the sense of isolation that people feel with grief,” said Dr Marshall, adding that complicated or unresolved grief can lead to depression.

“That is one of the reasons why you want to do something about it and get the support, so you don’t go into a depression because you are keeping it all inside. You don’t do it all at once. It is a process and takes time and everyone is very individual.”

Mrs Zaft-Gibbons said her own experience was a reminder that there’s no time limit on grief.

She’d taken grief training to help her patients. When her mother fell ill in 2010 she thought the training, and her work as a PALS nurse, would make it easier to cope.

“People think after a month or two you should feel better,” she said. “Most people don’t feel comfortable knowing what to say or do so they don’t say anything.

“They don’t want to hear what the bereaved person has to say, sometimes over and over again.

“Its OK to be crying six months later. It is OK to be in grief long after that.”

She eventually accepted that her issues with her mother would never be resolved. “I would tell myself to slow down, stop demanding things of myself and take time to feel,” said Mrs Zaft-Gibbons. “I found that once I acknowledged and expressed my grief, I usually felt better.”

She gave herself permission to cry in public, even if she was with other people at the time. Her stock explanation was: “I’m just having a memory that is making me cry. I’ll be OK.”

When she first came to Bermuda there were no grief support groups, the nurse said. Today she only knows of one, other than her own, run through Amis Memorial Chapel.

“Things are shifting in Bermuda, but there used to be this attitude of ‘keep a stiff upper lip’,” she said. “You dealt with the death of a loved one by keeping busy.”

Dr Marshall said it’s not always advisable to seek professional counselling directly after a loss. “Sometimes people will panic when someone just had a loss,” she said. “Friends or relatives will call and say can you come to the funeral, so and so is having a hard time.

“Usually there is enough support at that time. It is when everyone else goes back to their normal life and your life has totally changed that you need help

“That is when people tend to benefit from therapy.”

Understanding Your Grief is full until next year. Mrs Zaft-Gibbons urged anyone in need of help to seek a professional grief counsellor or psychologist.

Amis Memorial Chapel’s group meets every third Monday of the month at Astwood Hall, 49 Church Street, Hamilton. Walk-ins are welcome. Call 236-7455.