What’s the value of money to you? The common understanding of money and its relationship with us is that of a commodity of exchange; it’s the stuff that buys the stuff that we either need or want.

However, money is much more than printed paper or shaped metal with an assigned trading worth. Metaphorically, money (or better yet its essence) is the currency of our inner being; a symbiotic extension of us that manifests the true expression of the individual.

Money is intertwined into our psyche and valued based on experience and circumstances crafted from its presence; or lack thereof.

The value of money is very personal. Some people regard money as a means of safety or security, and thus assume a ‘saver’ approach with the view that money ensures protection. Others may value money as a tool to create a sense of happiness and thus relish the spending of it. For these individuals, the term ‘retail therapy’ might apply with the concept that money has the ability to cover the sadness of some painful past occurrence. Other money values include freedom, status, comfort, validation, power, respect, love, and control.

Now, ask yourself whether you know how your spouse or partner would answer the same question — What’s the value of money to the person you have invested in?

Our money values develop over time. Through our experiences in the formative years and by way of education, the value we place on money is deeply connected to our unique characters and personalities. As children, while we are at the most impressionable stage of development, we are introduced to money as we view the ways in which our parents deal with it. As we mature and move out of parental nurturing and guidance, our experiences with or related to money continue to affect the manner in which we value it. Additionally, significant life experiences and events unrelated to money can likewise influence the value we place on it.

Many couples simply fail to discuss their developed perceptions regarding finances and money. They subconsciously adopt the belief that the realm of money as it relates to their lives (as a couple) will run the course no different than the way in which it was experienced in their respective families and throughout their individual lives — an assumption that is charged with the potential of gross misunderstandings and inevitable turmoil relating to the management of money as a couple.

Ultimately, our money values translate to two money personalities; spenders and savers. It is quite common for one partner to be in their element when shelling out cash, while the other takes on the hardened warden role with the mandate of keeping each penny on lock down. Void of adequate and purposeful communication, challenges can arise (and in some cases, all-out war waged) when couples have conflicting money values and personalities.

Just like Oreos goes with milk and fork is paired with knife, we know that frequent, open and honest communication is a formula that yields desirable results for couples. Partners should express how they feel about money or what it means to them when they save or spend; particularly when the act brings forth a noticeable emotional reaction that is felt or observed by the other person. Knowing and understanding one’s own money value and personality as well as our partner’s, affords the basis of empathy and ultimately intimacy.

The knowledge that there are underlying issues that may need to be addressed as a result of the manifestation of obsessive spending or gross saving can come from this type of self-reflection.

For couples, figuring out how each other feels about money and spending can prevent adverse effects to their finances and in turn the relationship. Knowledge is power; and with this knowledge comes understanding and sensitivity which lays the ground work for a change in behaviour if necessary.

Happily married couples identify themselves as a team. It’s “us against the problem / conflict”. Effective money management requires teamwork; a partnership approach that operates like a business. When dealing with matters of money, the couple must develop the ability and discipline to temporarily assume the role of business partners, removing the impediments of sensitivities and emotions associated to an intimate relationship. In Mary Hunt’s, How to Debt Proof Your Marriage, she states; as business partners, you:

1. Have trust in and respect for each other’s unique abilities, skills and knowledge.

2. Bring individual strengths and abilities to the partnerships.

3. Have no secrets. Each of you is fully aware of the other’s activities and of the state of their business.

4. Do not make independent decisions, and when there is a disagreement or conflict, you negotiate and compromise until you reach a solution that both of you can agree to.

5. Make decisions with the best interest of the partnership in mind and are fully committed to the success of the partnership

In my last column, we established that money is the number one reported conflict in a marriage that has led to divorce.

Naturally, the converse of this fact is that couples in successful marriages have mastered the skill of financial harmony in their relationships. In other words, happy couples have a good understanding for each other’s ‘money value’.

According to research, the success of a marriage can be predicted by the way in which couples handle problems / conflicts; rather than how much people profess to love each other.

However, we are culturally conditioned to place the level of love a couple has for one another as the meter that measures relational harmony, rather than the couples ability to navigate the twists and turns of disagreement. The fact is that a couple’s problem solving skills are key aspects to achieving a healthy and happy marriage.

I realise that this sounds easier said than done or perhaps an elementary (yet loaded) point that offers nothing but shallow guidance. But hopefully for some, this offers a point in the right direction.

With communication being the glue that binds and money being the champion cause of relationship conflict which ultimately leads to the severance of intimate union, it is only natural that we ensure that we communicate frequently and sensitively while actively listening to our partners; particularly when comes to matters of money.

Follow Donte Hunt on Twitter @donteohunt, and on Facebook at facebook.com/dontehunt