Dear Dr Nekia,

My boss pursued me a few years ago via e-mail. He admitted to finding me attractive and falling out of love with his wife. We communicated regularly online and sometimes I worked weekends just to steal time with him. He did not get a divorce and did not take me on the romantic getaways he promised. His wife through this whole situation was weirdly nice, always saying hello and appearing overdressed when dropping by our offices.

I have tried to irritate her at times to bring out an ugly side but it never works. Everyone at our job worships the ground she walks on. I can’t stomach her pretentiousness and her being overly pleasant. I know she must be crazy. Every now and then he contacts me privately just to talk as friends which means he must still be into me because I am high yella with much better facial features and hair than his wife and I am much younger.

I have no idea what he sees in her. I have my own relationship now with someone closer to my age, but I feel the urge to tell her everything and show all his communication to get rid of her annoying overly nice persona.

I just find it weird that she never gives me bad looks or the cold shoulder yet she once told me clearly, but nicely, a few years ago that she knew what was going on at the time between me and her husband. With Christmas events coming at our job I want to ask him to make sure she doesn’t come as she insists on speaking every time she sees me, which I hate.

Sincerely,

I Hate My Boss’s Wife

Dear I Hate My Boss’s Wife,

Unfortunately for you, in this situation, it is not your boss’s wife who is the pretentious one but it is you. As the one with whom your boss carried on an affair of broken promises with, it would seem that you gave yourself far more importance than you really had in his life.

More importantly though is the disturbing fact that you seem to still be wanting to interject your influence where it is no longer needed. You see you were the “other woman” and no matter how young or how beautiful you may think yourself to be, your self-perceived superior hair and skin tone has nothing at all to do with the situation or your worthiness of this man’s true affections. Do not mistake his attention or conversation for his affection because he has already proven his dishonourable intentions for you. Furthermore, it is obvious that you have character flaws that did not, in his mind, hold weight to his wife. This can be seen in the fact that you are actually upset by his wife’s politeness. And whether genuine or not, she is actually behaving positively as it is clear that she has decided to stand by her husband’s side despite your affair.

It is my observation that you are used to dysfunctional, confrontational relationships, and this is why you may have been drawn to the inappropriate affair with your boss and also why you feel the desire to go out of your way to get a negative response from your boss’s wife.

As that was unsuccessful, you do not understand how it is that she could continue to exercise self-control and remain polite but it may very well be that she is not the least bit bothered or threatened by you. Sadly, far too many women fall victim to the empty promises and lies of husbands and more often than not the result is an envy or hate for their wives. This is misplaced resentment that is really held for the husbands the women hold affairs with. In other words, you are not really angry at the wife, but rather you are angry at the husband (your boss), the fact that you did not get all that you wanted out of the affair, and quite possibly you are even angry at yourself for falling for his advances.

You cannot change the past, but it may be best for you to put your focus into your new relationship while keeping your office relationships strictly professional from now on. Focusing on your relationship will give you an opportunity to get over any hurt, anger, and disappointment that you experienced due to your affair with your boss. And with positive relationship experiences you can hopefully begin to undo some of the learnt negative relationship behaviours that you seemingly have picked up along the way.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Even though I tell him not to be, my boyfriend is very concerned for my health. I sometimes suffer from heavy periods and cramping and made the decision to take birth control pills from a very young age to control it.

The pill has worked very well for me and allows me to carry on with my busy life uninterrupted by my period each month.

However, my boyfriend does not approve and thinks that I should change my diet and slow down my life — at least when I’m on my flow. I get that he is concerned about my health, but it’s my body and I don’t have time to be bothered with an inconvenient period. This is causing some serious arguments and I am feeling like he is not respecting my body. How can I get him to back off?

Sincerely,

It’s My Body Not His

Dear It’s My Body Not His,

You are correct that your body is your own, however you are incorrect that he is not respecting your body. In fact, your boyfriend is doing the exact opposite. He is respecting your body more than you realise, and even more than you yourself.

As women we can often be conflicted between the demands of life and the reality of our nature as females. And sadly enough, with the help of negative socialisation, many of us favour our social and self-imposed demands over our wellbeing. As a result we reject our biology and what makes us essentially women. If you think about it, it is not difficult to see the irony in the fact that we expect men to love and respect us as women, while we reject the very root of what makes us women. How can we expect men to value us for the women we are, if we are unwilling to embrace ourselves for the women we are?

We have unfortunately bought into the idea that our periods and reproductive organs are useless if they are not reproducing. We have believed the untruths that our hormones are harmlessly controllable and able to be stopped, and that it is perfectly normal to pop a pill, take an injection, or have surgery all in the name of being able to avoid having to make lifestyle changes and being able to have sex without the threat of getting pregnant.

The truth is that only a small percentage of women have physiological abnormalities that lead to uncomfortable periods, and that most menstrual issues can be controlled or reversed by altering diet, lifestyle, and stress levels. Furthermore, while menstruating it is best that women slow down their pace a bit and take time to relax and centre themselves.

Great energy is spent by the body during the time of your flow, and it is a necessary and healthy process that the entire female body must undergo in order to maintain mental, physical, and emotional health. We have become a culture of disconnected women who are becoming increasing androgynous in nature. Therefore, as our femininity is lost, our rejection of ourselves increases while the male’s value of us also decreases. This is because if we reject what makes us naturally female, we send the message that there is nothing different or special about us as women. Fortunately, your boyfriend is embracing of you as a woman and is concerned with your health.

A lot of men simply are ignorant of the facts surrounding the needs of the female body, or they are quite content with their women doing whatever it takes to be able to have sex at will without having to worry about the natural occurrence of pregnancy. Your beau loves you enough to be concerned, so love yourself enough to educate yourself with the facts about your body and what you are doing to it. This is something that the two of you can explore together.

You will both learn a lot that you are presently unaware of, and the journey to self-discovery will definitely produce more intimacy and respect between you.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com