Dear Dr Nekia,

So you were saying last week that hitting is OK in a relationship and is not abusive as long as it doesn’t happen often?

Sincerely,

Abuse Is Abuse

Dear Abuse Is Abuse,

To clarify, that is not at all what I was saying. I do not condone nor do I defend or promote negative physical contact within a relationship.

Striking, shoving, grabbing, etc in any form is an unacceptable means of communicating and addressing issues. And, as I said, if a couple finds themselves in a situation where one or both partners have resorted to hyper-aggression or violence, then that relationship has entered into crisis because the couple is ineffectively communicating with one another.

There is, however, a distinction between couples with a habit or history of violent communication and those without that history.

For both couples, their relationship has reached a level of crisis, however the reasons why and the journey of these couples may differ. Also, couples who habitually communicate with violence would need to either separate or, if they choose to remain together, undergo more intensive therapy than couples who do not.

Furthermore, abuse, whether verbal, physical, emotional, or mental is not defined by how often it happens within a relationship but rather is defined by the moment that it occurs.

In other words, whether or not you have ever engaged in a harmful act towards your partner, an absence of having a history of offending does not in itself exclude anyone from being guilty of abuse. This is because the very moment that you offend is the moment of abuse of another.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am finding it difficult to have a positive outlook on relationships. I do not want to be alone, but I don’t trust people easily and it seems I am always let down or disappointed in my relationships. Plus my friends tell me about their drama and it just turns me off from meeting anyone all together. I know that this is not healthy. How can I believe in love again?

Sincerely,

Forever Single

Dear Forever Single,

The first thing that you will need to do before believing in love is to make sure that you are believing in yourself. You have to have positivity within you before you can have a positive outlook, so you must first believe that you are worthy of love and that you are deserving of a healthy loving relationship.

Once you realise that you can and should be happy with someone of your choosing, you will have little reason to doubt that pursuing a relationship is worth your while.

After all, if you deserve love, why can’t or shouldn’t you have it? In this your benefit will be two fold. One is that you will gain confidence in yourself; and two is that once you believe in your self worth and that you are deserving, you will be able to use your confidence to make better partner and relationship choices.

You must also begin to take proactive steps that will allow for you to have a positive outlook for love.

This will involve you making sure that you do not take on the drama and misfortunes of other people’s unhappiness.

As well, your past relationships should not be looked at as failures but as stepping stones. Look back on each and try to find at least one constructive lesson that you have learnt from it.

However, try to avoid negative talk such as you learnt not to trust or you learnt not to give your heart.

Focus instead on lessons that build you up and could actually help you to be happy in future relationships.

By focusing on yourself, believing in yourself, becoming distant from the negative experiences of others, and using past relationships as positive lessons, you will be able to exude the positivity that you have built up inside.

In turn, you will attract more positive relationship experiences. This process may take time, but the starting point is choice. The choice to be positive and to have the hope of finding love.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am pretty sure that my current relationship is coming to an end. Neither one if us are happy and I’m not sure why we are hanging on.

I have met someone else who I’m interested in, but I am still finding it difficult to let go of my failing relationship. Which is confusing because I doubt that I want to stay with him. Why can’t I just move on?

Sincerely,

Out With The Old

In With The New

Dear Out With The Old In With The New,

Your situation is quite common among people who find letting go of things difficult as well as those who tend to prefer familiar comfortability.

In both types of people, a sense of guarantee and security is very important to them.

I would say that you should make sure that you are certain that you want to leave your relationship before turning to the new one, but I know that this is a lot easier said than done because your focal problem is that you are already having a difficult time making this decision.

You are double-minded about whether you should stay or not, but realistically it sounds as though you have already left. You will have to find confidence within yourself and your ability to remain true to what you think is best for you all without depending your decision on whether or not your new guy interest works out or not.

A lot of times people find it easier to let go of the past if they feel that the future is secure, but this is never a good approach when it comes to moving from one relationship to the other.

There simply are no guarantees on if new relationships will work out or not.

There is only guarantee in yourself, and that you have the strength and courage to keep moving forward in life.

Trust your intuition and listen to your heart on this one. Try to not over think everything by limiting your thoughts of the what ifs. You may need to take some time to yourself in order to clear your head. An added benefit will be that you will get to see how you feel about being away from both of your guys.

Who knows, maybe you will miss and gravitate towards one more than the other, or maybe you will find that you really do not miss either one. Just take a step back.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com