Dear Dr Nekia,

I just moved to the Island and I am having trouble with dating. Not only is dating here very expensive, but it seems that a lot of women I meet do not appreciate the dating experience. I make a pretty good salary so maybe I can look past the cost of things, but I am finding it hard to get over the attitude of women. In my experience so far, they come across as being very judgmental and ungrateful. Entitled even. I am not forward, am very respectable, and do not expect anything in return besides great company and conversation; yet all I am getting is something pretty to look at from across the dinner table. I have even been questioned whether or not I am married or gay because I do not try to be physical with them. I am sure that not all Bermudian women are this way. Please tell me that they are not.

Are They All This Shallow?

Dear Are They All This Shallow,

The good news is that no, not all single Bermudian women are the way that you describe. The bad news is that you are going to have to put more effort into finding a different kind of woman to date.

It may be that you are having the recurring similar experiences because you are choosing to date women who are very similar in character. Or it could be that you are seeking to find a certain kind of woman that is unique or rare to the Island. Small countries, communities, and societies often have less variety of individuals to choose from both due to the size of the selection pool and the fact that the smaller the society is the more cohesive the people. Close-knit individuals tend to share very similar traits, beliefs, and characteristics because of the influence that they have on one another. So whether or not you are having dating difficulties due to poor choices or due to a lack of availability, in order to be able to change your dating experiences, you will definitely have to be patient while also being open to changing your dating style. Take the time to learn about the Island’s cultures more, and learn a different way of choosing which woman to date. All women give off clues as to their datability so you will have to find new selection processes that work personally for you. Another thing that you could do is to let your social or professional circle know that you have an interest in dating and that you are having trouble in this area. Sometimes it can be very helpful for newcomers to have the aid of locals who can offer positive advice and who can also most likely know a bit more about a person than they will. As for the question of your status and sexuality, I find that it is not uncommon for women here to say that they want a respectable man who is interested in more than sex with them, but because such men are not prevalent, women tend to draw upon their negative experiences to form negative expectations of male behaviour. So because they are expecting you to want more than just their company and conversation, they find it unusual that an eligible guy, such as yourself, would actually value them as a person rather than to simply look at them as a date that is a means to a sexual end.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife has gained a considerable amount of weight. I love her no matter what, but I am finding it difficult to be attracted to her. Mostly I avoid sex or I picture someone else to get and keep me going. I make up fantasies of famous people and even everyday women that I may pass on the street. This is becoming a real problem and I am beginning to feel ashamed and a bit like a pervert for my thoughts about these women. What can I do to get my mind right?

I’m A Married Pervert

Dear I’m A Married Pervert,

While it is not unusual for people to have sexual fantasies about celebrities and strangers, I can see where you may be feeling uncomfortable with your situation. I am not sure as to the reason why your wife has gained weight; but whether or not fantasies are viewed as being healthy behaviour depends on the reasons for the fantasies, the nature of the fantasies, and the frequency of the fantasies. All three variables contribute to the overall experience of the individual as well as the effects that the fantasies will have on reality. We all fantasise about one thing or another but when our fantasies are motivated by a deep void, are disturbing in their content, or become so frequent that they interrupt our daily reality, our fantasy behaviour definitely becomes a problem that needs to be addressed. In your case, I get the feeling that you are beginning to feel increasingly perverse because you are feeling increasingly guilty for having these fantasies. Seemingly, the reason for the fantasies as well as your dependency upon them has not only created a disconnection from your wife, but I would also guess that you are beginning to indulge in these fantasies more frequently. So what may have started off as an innocent way of getting you prepared to enjoy sex with your wife, has now turned into a behaviour that is weighing heavily on your conscience. Fortunately there is a way to combat your issue. The issue of fantasies must be resolved with reality. You are going to need to face and begin to address the situations of your reality in order to release the hold that the fantasies have on you. The more honest you are willing to be about your initial need for the fantasies, and the more attention you give to your reality, the less relevant your fantasies will become. In other words, by feeding your reality, you will starve your fantasy and you will lose the need for them. Step one is realising that you have a problem, step two is reaching out for help, and step three is to confront your problem by being honest with your wife about what has been going on. As difficult as this third step may be, it is the key to resolving your core issue and to rebuilding intimacy between you and your wife that is not based on fantasy. You may not have physically let another woman into your bed but you have mentally and emotionally brought others into your marriage. You no longer connect with your wife, but instead are using her body for physical pleasure while fulfilling your fantasies of other women. You must admit this to her so that you can work together to resolve the whens and whys of your non-attraction to her. You will certainly need her help and support with your issue and she will need your help and support with what is causing her to gain so much weight. Together you can remedy things and reconnect with one another in healthy and loving ways.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m hearing a lot about vaginal steaming and vaginal herbal remedies. I know that you practice natural medicine so I thought that I would ask you since it seems that doctors and experts are beginning to speak out against them saying that they are dangerous. Are these safe or no?

Sincerely,

My Vagina Wants To Know

Dear My Vagina Wants To Know,

There has always been a history of dispute between modern western medicine and more natural medical approaches, but instead of speaking negatively as to why, I will answer your question by focusing on the practices in question. MDs and so-called experts are trained in their fields and have accordingly earned their designation as being experts. However, they are not experts in every field or aspect of medicine and most often have little to no education or training in natural medicine. Their opinions are based upon scientific studies (or the lack thereof), taught hypotheses, and popular thought among colleagues. With that being said, their concern for these practices that you mention are fear-based and founded upon the notion that improper steam and herbal practices can cause great harm to the woman’s delicate tissues. And although conventional medicine treats women’s health and disease much in the same way, ie through suppositories and insertable drugs that are very toxic to the body, MDs are not incorrect to have concerns about herbal methods and suppositories. Vaginal steaming and herbal teas, tinctures, and insertables have been used as medicine for hundreds of thousands of years. Their effectiveness has been documented countless times throughout cultures and medical history. Yet safety and effectiveness of these practices depend on the correct examination, diagnosis, administration of herbal medicines. Because women in our society have not been taught, and therefore have virtually no clue as to how to care for their bodies by natural means, it is extremely important that they do not experiment on themselves. This is because natural medicines and medical practices may indeed be less toxic and invasive, however they can still be very dangerous if misused, and should be approached with the same respect to caution as pharmaceutical drugs. Any woman exercising their personal right to choosing to explore natural methods of health must be certain that she is receiving care from a knowledgeable and trained caregiver. Natural medicine is a wonderful alternative of and addition to your MD’s care. However, it is easy for someone to be a self-proclaimed herbalist and healer, so please ladies, do your homework and always choose your caregivers wisely.

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