Dear Dr Nekia,

I am married and have been considering divorce for a few months now. My husband is not the worst man in the world but he is not the best either. He has hurt me many times and I have stayed, with the encouragement of people.

I think I am just tired of the ups and downs and repeated mistakes. But everyone is still telling me to hang in there. That marriage isn’t easy and that he has become such a better person since being with me. This makes me feel guilty and like I would be a failure for giving up on my marriage.

Why am I being pressured and encouraged to stay in a marriage that they know I am unhappy in?

Sincerely, Wife Pressure

Dear Wife Pressure,

It is true that marriage is not easy at times but it’s not supposed to be a great trial either; you should be happy overall. What concerns me is that you are feeling pressured to remain married.

There will always be people who will encourage you to stay married because of their own personal experiences and beliefs but you will have to learn how to listen to their advice and opinions without taking them on.

The first step to this will be for you to honestly ask yourself what marriage means to you. You may find it helpful to write ideas down as they come to you, so that you can review them as you organise your thoughts.

You can then compare your ideals to your current marriage. It will help you to see how your marriage is not fulfilling your expectations.

Whether you choose to stay or end the marriage, things cannot get better unless you and your husband are willing to face the truth about your relationship.

Friends and family can provide an outside perspective; only you and your husband know the intimate details about your journey together thus far. People often use the term “mistake” to escape total responsibility for their actions.

When taking an honest look at things, it is important to know that while everyone makes mistakes, repeated offences are not mistakes, they’re intentional. Even if they aren’t consciously done to hurt you, they are intentional on some level because there is knowledge of a hurtful outcome.

With that being said, if you choose to remain in the marriage without his behaviour changing, you are in essence allowing him to hurt you and you must accept responsibility for this. “But I love him” is not an excuse for remaining in a harmful, unhappy, unhealthy, or dysfunctional relationship.

Lastly, please understand that you are not responsible for your husband becoming and continuing to be a better person. He may be a better person since being with you — and this is great — but him being a better man should not come at the expense of your happiness. You are not responsible for who he chose to be before you met, and when it comes to the here and now you should not allow yourself to be his crutch or ticket to success.

There is nothing honourable or admirable about self-sacrifice for someone who causes you unhappiness.

Maybe it is that your husband is struggling with some issues that he needs additional support with, and maybe he is just who he is.

You will never know unless honesty, without the interference of others, becomes a daily reality in your marriage.

Your goal right now is to find out together what is really going on in your marriage, how you honestly feel about your marriage, and for you to then make the best decision for yourself. Counselling can help you both with this if either of you are having a difficult time with guilt or honesty.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am engaged but am beginning to have some doubts. Everyone says how I am lucky to have found a good man with a good job, but even he has his faults.

I am not looking for him to be perfect, but there are some major issues that have needed changing but are not.

He says I nag him too much, but we both know what needs to change and he just keeps promising to change them.

I want to put off the wedding until I see some improvements, but friends and family are already excited. Plus, I do not think that he will take it too well. I know that we do love one another so should I just go ahead with the wedding as planned, or should I wait?

Sincerely, Unsure

Dear Unsure,

You should never ever enter into a marriage unsure. There is a major difference between superficial nervousness and doubt that is seeded in real issues.

Moreover, you state that these issues are recurring and that you are only receiving promises of change rather than actual change.

Something that a lot of women seem to overlook when getting married is that a man most often will show his best face and give his best efforts to what he desires but does not yet have. So chances are that if you are having issues that he is dismissing before marriage, he will dismiss issues after marriage also.

How do we know that he is being dismissive? When there is a repeat of promises without action and when you find yourself bringing up the same thing over and over again only to have him call you a nag — he is dismissing you. He is letting you know that he really does not want to make the necessary changes, that these changes are not important to him, and that you are annoying him by your insistence.

It is natural for friends and family to be excited over a wedding, but you are the one who will have to live in the marriage. Do not allow yourself to be pressured to go forward with the wedding. Instead, address all relevant concerns prior to walking down the aisle and making such a serious commitment.

If your fiancé gets upset by this and says that you are overreacting, this is a sign that postponing the nuptials is a very good idea.

Before you marry him or anyone else, you should make sure that your husband-to-be is a man who is a team player who honours and tries to understand your feelings.

A well-paying job is great, but ultimately it is not his job status nor his paycheque that is what will make your marriage work.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My husband has recently made the decision to stop drinking.

I am very happy for him because it is something that he has been talking about for a while now.

However, he gets upset if I buy liquor to keep in the house for myself or if I drink in front of him.

I asked if it is because it tempts him to drink but he says no.

He is learning about the dangers of drinking and feels that it is unhealthy so he doesn’t like to know that I am doing it.

Is it just me or isn’t this unfair? It is causing major problems where we never had any before; especially if I go out for drinks with the girls. How can I stop the arguments?

Sincerely, I Love Wine

Dear I Love Wine,

Making a life-changing decision is not always the easiest thing to do no matter how positive or necessary that decision may be. And sometimes when we finally build up the courage and determination to stick to our resolutions it can be very easy for us to slip into the habit of judging others.

What happens is that we get so excited and consumed with our own journey and what we think is right, that we want to see others on the same path.

When others reject our path we can take this to mean a rejection of truth, or what we feel is truth, and therefore by default it becomes a subconscious rejection of us.

We then say that it is because of our love or concern for them that we want to see them do better.

However really what it is, is that we become upset that they do not want to do what we think they should, or that they do not want to change to live the way that we think is right.

If we are not the one who is making the change, we can begin to feel as though we are being forced to do things that we do not want to do.

If we are not careful, this situation can lead to frustration on both sides.

In your case, your husband will begin to resent you for your unwillingness to change and you will begin to resent him the more you feel as though he is trying to control your life.

What is needed here is mutual understanding.

It is a great thing that your husband has decided to make such a positive change. However, as is the case when change takes place in any relationship, you both must learn to adapt and adjust your relationship to grow to incorporate the new so that it can enhance the old.

No, you should not be forced to stop drinking but maybe you can refrain from bringing it into the home, or set up a safe place or time to enjoy a glass of wine or two.

For instance, it can be agreed upon that any alcohol will be kept out of sight and in a particular place and that you will only drink with dinner or evenings while relaxing with a book.

As well, it can be agreed that your nights out with the girls will not happen too often.

On the other hand, he can agree not to pass judgment and to allow you the freedoms agreed upon.

You are an adult so you most certainly do not need his permission to enjoy a cocktail, but you both must agree upon boundaries that will keep your home environment from becoming divided.

If you feel as though he is still a bit more controlling than you would like, try deflecting attention from your unwillingness to conform by placing more emphasis on his success.

In other words, celebrate him.

Men are largely ego-driven and sometimes there’s nothing like stroking their ego to get the behaviours that you want while stopping the ones that you do not.

In the end, if you wish to keep your marriage intact, each of you will need to learn compassion as you support one another’s personal goals and visions.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com