Dear Dr Nekia,

Why do so many people choose the wrong people for them? I see people make the same poor choice in relationships and then they wonder why they are unhappy and cannot find anyone decent. Most times I just want to tell them it is because they keep choosing the same type of people to begin with. But can’t they see this for themselves? I just find it interesting how people are attracted to what is bad for them, but expect things to go right.

Sincerely,

Leave Bad Alone

Dear Leave Bad Alone,

It is true that some people tend to choose the same type of partner and wonder why they get the same results from their relationships. Much of the time people act on the impulse of desire, and desire is often based on visions, ideas, and beliefs that require little to no thought because they have been ingrained in us. And due to their lack of thought requirement, ingrained or indoctrinated factors tend to outweigh others because they give the impression of being automatic or naturally occurring.

Most of our desires that we attribute to being a part of who we are, are actually learnt, and in life our experiences can sometimes cause us to learn and hold on to the wrong things. Think of people who may have grown up in an unloving home, they find it difficult to attract loving relationships, also persons who have been molested or sexually assaulted can often times become promiscuous. These are just a couple examples of how we can sometimes hold on to the bad and allow that bad to manifest in our relationships. The hardest part is getting people to realise that they are desiring things and people who are not good for them.

Most will reject this notion because the core cause of their desire is usually linked to a belief or an experience which they have buried, that they deny, or that they are not willing to admit. Sadly, these persons will continue the cycle of making poor choices. In addition, desire is so closely linked to a particular outcome. Usually the outcome is unrealistic, lofty, or the total opposite of their current reality, and the desire is seen as the means or the road towards making that outcome a reality. Combine ingrained beliefs, core experiences, and idealistic outcomes and you have a recipe for the hurt and pain that comes along with repeated poor relationship choices.

Most shrug it off as having a type, or being attracted to their type, but this is the ego’s way of rationalising their cycle of destructive relationships without admitting to responsibility for their failed relationships.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I need help. I have been involved with my boyfriend for about a year-and-a-half. He is very, very jealous. If I speak to a guy, he asks questions like: ‘Have you had sex with him? And where you know him from?’ Guys whom I have known for years, he wants me to stop speaking to them. I have spoken to him about his insecurities and he blames previous relationships — that every woman that he has been with has messed around on him. It’s so bad that if I go to my parents’ house he accuses me of going to see someone and using my parents’ house as an excuse. If I have to take my children somewhere he sings the same tune. The other day a friend of mine had a girls’ night out for her birthday and he took an attitude by saying “you girls are going whoring”. Then when I came home he asked what guys were trying to get at me. He interrogates me.

I am 45 years old and I am tired of being treated like a child. He calls me degrading names and curses me off when I’m talking on my phone and when I get off he asks who I was talking to. I communicate with him on everything that I am doing, but it’s not good enough for him. He tells me he does not trust nor believe me. Lately I have noticed that he is becoming very angry at the slightest things. When I ask what’s wrong, he tells me that it is something that he is dealing with. I love him so much but he has one downfall and it is draining me and destroying us.

Sincerely,

Can This Relationship Be Saved?

Dear Can This Relationship Be Saved,

At first glance, your situation seems to be just another case of an insecure partner who has yet to resolve former relationship issues but as he is showing increased aggression, I believe that there is something more going on here. It could be that he is having obsessive thoughts about your alleged unfaithfulness — which would most certainly cause internal aggression — but he seems to have no problem voicing his distrust so I would lean more towards there being another cause here.

In fact, jealous behaviour can be a symptom of a much deeper problem. Sure, failed relationships and disloyal former partners can cause someone to find it difficult to trust but, for him, things are so bad that he basically does not trust you as long as you are out of his sight. I just want you to be aware, if you decide to carry on the relationship, that he may have more than one major flaw. I would also encourage you to keep an eye on his aggression to see if it progresses.

Always protect yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. If this relationship is to be saved, it will take dedication and a willingness on both parts. He may be dealing with deep-rooted issues that will not be resolved overnight, so you need to decide if you are willing to go through this journey with him. As for him, he has to be ready to acknowledge that his thinking and behaviour is not normal or healthy, and he has to be willing to make the steps needed to resolve his issues.

Making these decisions, for him, is just step one. The easy and foremost answer would be to tell you to leave that man alone, to tell you that you can find better and that you do not have to put up with his crap. But it is obvious that your relationship does not deserve such a dismissal without first knowing and weighing your options. I say this because you have already chosen to try to work things out with him by staying so long and by being open to communicating with him in order to soothe his insecurities. So you are already displaying signs of a woman who is committed to making things work. At this point it is time for him to put forth that same effort in this area of the relationship.

He will most likely need professional help to sort through his thoughts and gain valuable tools that will help him to develop a more healthy view of women and your relationship. So my answer to you is yes, yes your relationship can be saved. Any relationship can be saved, as long as those involved are open, honest and ready to correct the things that are causing the relationship to fall apart.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am with a guy that cannot communicate. It is very difficult getting him to say how he feels, what he wants, or getting him to weigh in on decisions. Other than that, he is a good man but he is frustrating me. My friends and family tell me to not mess up a good thing and that he is just being a man, but how can things really be good if a man cannot share his feelings? It’s like he is just there. Sex is good, but I wish he would talk because he knows to open his mouth when he is upset with me and wants to shout at me.

Sincerely,

Men Should Communicate

Dear Men Should Communicate,

So many people accept relationship behaviours as being what women do or, as in your case, what men do. Most times this is because they feel powerless to change their situation so it is much easier for them to rationalise their willingness to accept hurtful things. We are essentially taught how to act, feel and think as a man or as a woman from birth. In acting the part, we become even more willing to conform to what is thought we should and should not be as men and women.

As far as communication, no one sex is born more capable of communication than the other. Females are socialised to express themselves because from the beginning, female babies are reinforced with positive affection when they cry; little girls are likewise met with positive affection when they are upset or hurt. Boys, on the other hand, are often neglected when they cry and are told to not show emotions when they are upset or hurt.

Furthermore, males find that most girls are attracted to the tough guys or the guys who display behaviours of dominance, aggression and defiance. So by the time a man reaches adulthood he has already pretty much been armed with all that he needs to be sure that he is not emotionally available or available for much communication about his feelings, desires or fears. Such communication is absolutely necessary for intimacy in relationships, but so many of us women dismiss this need in favour of some of the traditional male roles — being a provider, helper in raising children and sex. And yet we complain that we are left feeling lonely, disconnected, or lack intimacy and faithfulness from our men. It is a good thing that your man is wonderful in other admirable areas but since intimacy is so very important to you, you will need to continue to encourage him to open up a bit more. This may take time.

As frustrating as it may be to think that he is capable of showing his disapproval by shouting but cannot show much verbal affection, maybe it will help you to understand one more thing about men. Males have more of the hormone testosterone and this is linked to aggression. A boy’s encouragement to repress hurt and praised ability to show dominance, along with their higher levels of testosterone in comparison to females, all work together to make it more likely that a man will find it easier to display aggression and discontent before any other emotion. In fact, repressed hurt, or hurt that is denied or held in, has been shown to turn into anger. So by the time that your man shouts, he has built up emotions that need to be vented. As for sex, many men use sex as their language. It is not uncommon for men to show their affection, aggression, etc in the way that they perform sexually. And while sex is never to be used as a substitute for verbal communication, until he is more comfortable with expressing himself, you may want to open yourself to looking at the other ways in which your man communicates his feelings.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com