Dear Dr Nekia,My wife and I have been trying to conceive for the past two years with no success. We did get pregnant one time but my wife sadly miscarried. I know that these things happen and that they can be beyond our control, but I do not know what to do about our sex life. It seems so calculated, forced, and routine. Honestly some times I am either unable to perform or am not interested. It is affecting our marriage, and I don’t like the distance between us. What can we do to reconnect? Should we just stop trying to conceive so that we can save our marriage?Sincerely, Trying To ConceiveDear Trying To Conceive,Because I do not know the medical reasons surrounding your inability to conceive or carry a baby to term, I can not give you expert advice on whether you should stop trying. However, I can say that if trying to have a baby is destroying your marriage, it is time to take a step back and look at things where they are. This is important because if your were to be successful in a pregnancy, you would not want to bring a child into a failing relationship. In fact, it can not be taken for granted that the arrival of a baby will automatically fix any marital problems that has occurred due to the stress of trying. Many couples find it difficult to recover from such experiences so I would suggest that your wife and yourself begin to make your personal relationship a priority. Besides as I am sure you have heard or have been advised by now, often times the stress and anxiety that surrounds conceiving alone can cause attempts to be less likely successful. When couples are more relaxed and are enjoying one another, the chances of conception does increase. Also, decreasing the pressure that has formed will also increase your ability and desire to perform during sex, and sex is most certainly necessary for conception. As well, sex is very important for couples who want to stay connected or those who want to reconnect on a most intimate level. Such a connection will be invaluable in raising a child together, but it will also be most certainly powerful if you should have to come to terms with the possible reality that you may never conceive a child of your own. I think that parents and potential parents greatly underestimate the importance of ensuring that their relationship with one another remains strong, loving, and secure. Often times so much focus shifts to the child, or the hopes of a child, that their relationship together crumbles and often times becomes bitter. Get back to enjoying one another. Date, enjoy mutual hobbies, take a much needed vacation, take a break from trying to conceive and return to having unscheduled sex for pleasure, etc. All of these things can help you to reconnect to your wife and rediscover the value of the love that you both share. I know it may not seem like it right now but even though having a baby can certainly enhance life, the love that you both can share can be enough to make life fulfilling should you not be able to conceive. There may be the gloom of a seemingly unfillable void, but by beginning to focus on what you do have and share, rather than what you do not will slowly form hearts of gratitude which will help you both to move forward happier and less anxious. And happiness is always a great asset to parents and couples alike who are looking forward to the life ahead of them. Your wife may need help with coping through this process of trying to conceive and birth a child because women can tend to feel an emptiness and worthlessness due to their perception that women should be able to perform the basic act or female duty of having a baby. If your wife is disheartened, she could very well be turning her disappointment, frustration, and anger internally towards herself. This will make reconnecting rather difficult, so find out how she is feeling and offer to seek counselling together should she present signs of depression and self-victimisation.Dear Dr Nekia,My girlfriend shops too much. She doesn’t think so. She says she shops seasonally or occasionally on weekends, and she may be right but it’s how much she spends that’s a problem. She comes to me for money because she needs helps paying her monthly bills or she needs gas in her car and I do give it to her, but when I don’t she gets mad at me. I tell her that she needs to learn to manage her money, but she says that there is nothing wrong with her man helping her out every once in a while. We have been talking about moving in together but this makes me not want to even think about it. She doesn’t understand how this is affecting out relationship.Sincerely, Living Beyond Her MeansDear Living Beyond Her Means,Persons who have a drive to shop do so for various reasons, but it is of concern when shopping or purchasing habits interfere with their ability to uphold responsibilities in their daily lives. Such responsibilities include financial as well as relationship and other social responsibilities or obligations. However, to understand the mind of a shopper, you must know that their attachment to shopping largely depends on their emotional and chemical response to the event, and level of addiction. Yes there is such a thing as shopping addiction. It is has been found that women are more likely to display some level of addiction to shopping, and that there are feel-good chemicals that are released by the brain when purchases occur. Not everyone has such an addiction, but normally there is some emotional influence involved in the shopping experience. Whether these emotional responses be linked to self-image issues, peer pressure, or some other reason, you should know that the more ingrained the reason is for being unable to stop her purchases even though it is affecting her ability to meet her other financial obligations, the more resistant she will be to implement money management strategies. I would agree that you should not move in together until she has gained a grip on her ability to be financially responsible, because you could find yourself in a situation where you are financially burdened by her shopping lifestyle. And whether or not she shops too often or purchases items that are far too expensive for her, she has to move beyond denial of the harm that it is causing. While it is true that there is nothing wrong with a man helping out his woman financially, the fact that she gets upset when you do not, and makes excuses for the habits surrounding her shopping, leads me to believe that she is not ready to accept responsibility for her actions. Be careful that she does not guilt you into moving in together or providing financial support to her. Needing help and realising that it is more financially feasible to move in together is one thing, but wanting help because she can not curb her behaviour of living beyond her means is another. To avoid enabling her habits, being taken advantage of, and getting yourself into future financial binds, you will want to be clear and firm with her. Express your disapproval and lay out the consequences and impact it will have to your relationship if she does not work towards being more financially responsible. Issues surrounding finances is one of the biggest reasons why couples, both married and dating, break up; so this is not the time to refrain from being honest and firm about your points of view.Dear Dr Nekia,I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and I found out that I am pregnant. We have not really discussed children so I am nervous about breaking the news to him. I myself am not sure how I feel about it, but I just want to know how do I tell him without him getting upset or feeling like I did this on purpose to trap him?Sincerely, It’s Not A TrapDear It’s Not A Trap,Anytime that we have sex there is a risk of both disease and pregnancy. And while some methods are more reliable than others, this is true no matter what birth control method or choice of protection that you use. With that being said, I think that it is important that you do not get into the habit that so many women do of taking it all on yourself. It is not solely the woman’s choice or responsibility of getting pregnant. It takes two equally, and the risks and responsibility falls on both you as the woman and he as the man. Nevertheless, it can be very nerve-racking for women to break the news to their partners, and this is even more the case if there is no commitment, if there is a question of where the relationship stands, and if pregnancy has never been discussed. To avoid unnecessary awkwardness and stress, it is important for sexually active partners to discuss the possibility of pregnancy openly. They must both agree to preventive measures as well as a course of action should pregnancy occur. While it is one thing to discuss and plan ahead, I do understand that once pregnancy occurs emotions can cause people to change their points of view for the better or for the worst. Nevertheless, including your partner in the process of prevention, all the way through to the actual finding out or confirmation that there is a pregnancy, is key. This includes sharing in the concerns of missed periods, suspected symptoms, and the actual testing for pregnancy. By including your partner at every step of the way, you succeed in sharing the burden. It also provides you with the opportunity to see how your partner is reacting while keeping him in the loop and avoiding the sudden surprise of pregnancy. In your case, unless you are going to terminate the pregnancy without his knowledge, you have no choice but to just come out and tell him that you are pregnant. Timing of this is crucial. You should know him well enough to know when he is in a favourable and relaxed mood, so wait for this time to break the news to him. Let him know that you are open to hearing his true feelings about the situation and what it is that he thinks should be done about it. Let him express himself as he chooses and really listen to what it is that he has to say. Realise that he may need a few days or so to process the news of pregnancy, so try your best not to take his initial reaction personally should it be an unfavourable one. It is true that women do seem to get a bad reputation for trying to tie down or trap a man with pregnancy, but the reality is that such cases are truly not as common as people think. Most men are initially shocked and worried, but do come around to being able to be calm and rational after they have been given some time to mull it over. You can not control the outcome of his reactions so do your best not to take on that responsibility. Focus more instead on keeping your body healthy and stress levels down, because you are the one who is pregnant and is providing a delicate environment of growth and development for the baby.