Dear Dr Nekia,

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a foreign worker here on the island. I am upset by this of course, but what upsets me even more is that I would have never known if it were not for her basically stalking my husband.

The situation makes me think of the betrayal and how he was able to sneak around behind my back for months without me knowing. I am sure I will be able to trust him again one day, but for now I am concerned about why this woman will not leave us alone. She has sent me recordings of phone conversations, text messages, and even a sex tape.

He ended the affair once she started asking him to leave me. He says that she became obsessed with him and would follow him home from work some days. I have spoken to her and she admits that she has fallen in love with him and does not want to let go of all of the times that they have shared. I just cannot believe that he was carrying on a full-fledged relationship behind my back. They even went on a business trip together — and she doesn’t even work with him. How can we get this woman to leave us alone so that we can move on without bringing further shame and disgrace on our marriage?

Sincerely, Stalking Mistress

Dear Stalking Mistress,

It sounds as though you have made the decision to forgive your husband — a challenging task even without the situation surrounding the other woman.

Nevertheless, you must understand that part of being able to move forward in your marriage is facing the reality of the affair. A very real consequence of his indiscretion is the jilted feelings and actions of his lover. It is easy to be upset with this other woman. She is, after all, a threat to your marriage, right? No. The only threat is your husband. Men and women cheat for many reasons but no matter the reason, the third party is never the cause. One hundred per cent it is the cheater’s decision to cheat that brings about the hurt, pain, and dangers. The third party has little to no loyalty to you, they are solely seeking what they desire. Your husband, for months, carried out a type of relationship with this woman where it would be my guess that they got very close. This is evidenced by the fact that he took her on a business trip with him, and her desperation to hold on to what they shared. Is there a chance that her desperation is evidence of mental instability? Yes, this could be, but while it is very convenient to think she is crazy, chances are she is sane but making poor choices.

This does not make it right what she is doing, but it does make her human. This woman has, rightly or wrongly, invested time and energy into your husband. Your husband made a very real human-to-human connection with someone other than yourself. Even if it was not a connection that was serious for him, he played a part in making this situation what it is. I know you think that if this woman would just go away that things could begin to go back to normal and you could be happy again, but the truth is normal was not working.

If it was, the affair would not have happened. I would suggest that if the other woman is overstepping boundaries, you should consider getting a restraining order put out against her. Usually this stops invasive behaviours but if it does not, the restraining order is a valid legal footing for the next step. Yes, this does mean that there will be a public record of the affair but if you really want to move on from it you have to be willing to hold your husband accountable for his actions and stand fearlessly together as a unit. You must allow him to properly end the extramarital relationship he started and focus on fixing whatever it was that caused him to cheat in the first place.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My son is marrying a woman that I do not like. I completely am against the relationship, much less a marriage. I do not think that she is good for my son at all. She has a reputation for being with several other guys, and I found out that she has had three abortions. She did not finish high school and got her GED instead, and now only has a part-time waitressing job. I think she is looking for a free ride. My son says that she treats him well and they have been together for two years and he is ready to marry her. Yes, he is old enough to make his own decisions as a man, but I think that this is one decision that he will regret. He knows how I feel and has threatened to cut me off if I do not accept her as a part of this family. This is something that I will absolutely not do, so how can I get him to be reasonable and see that he is making a huge mistake?

Sincerely, She’s Wrong For My Son

Dear She’s Wrong For My Son,

It is understandable that you worry for your son, and reading about his girlfriend in black and white does make her seem undesirable on paper. But that’s just it, love is rarely black and white and it hardly ever is concerned about what it looks like on paper. There is a very real chance of this relationship having a negative impact on your son’s life, but there is also a very real chance that this relationship has positive potential as well.

Relationships have a way of transforming people into better, stronger, wiser individuals. The past that belongs to this young lady may seem sketchy to you, but I’m assuming that you have raised a wonderful man, one who has changed her life. In any case, your son has obviously chosen this woman for himself and, whether it is a poor decision or not, you will have to be a mother to him rather than be his handler. I know that, in your eyes, part of that is trying to keep him from making a mistake but your role should be one of support. It is very difficult for parents, but there comes a time when you must let go and allow your children to grow. Part of this growing is giving them the trust and freedom to make their own mistakes and face their own consequences. They must be allowed to create their own lives. Should they fall, your role should be to help them to stand again.

It is critical to his development as a man that he be allowed to branch out without the rule or strong will of his mother. Smothering, or over-mothering, is a very common occurrence and it stunts male maturation. At this point, what you have to ask yourself is if it is worth losing your son. Is your fear for his future greater than your love and appreciation for his present? For who he is today as a man?

Dear Dr Nekia,

My man has gained a lot of weight and is feeling terrible about himself. We hardly ever have sex anymore and when we do he insists on the lights being completely off. We used to have a very healthy sex life. I’m not sure what to do. He says that he feels unattractive and gross. I have tried reassuring him that I still find him attractive but the more I come on to him the more he pushes me away. He is very insecure about other men, and thinks that I am attracted to those who are fit and strong. While I may be attracted to lean, strong men, I am still very much attracted to my husband. How can I get him to see that I love him just the way that he is?

Sincerely, Attracted Big Or Small

Dear Attracted Big Or Small,

While it is admirable that you love your husband and are attracted to him regardless of his weight, I feel it necessary to address a trend that I see with people who seek my counsel.

People are concerned more with getting other parties to see, agree to and change to fit their will and point of view, rather than seeking a mutually validating resolution to their problems. In your case, your question points to you wanting your husband to see that you love him just the way he is rather than getting your husband to see that he should love himself just the way he is. No matter how others see us, it is not until we see ourselves as being valued, worthy and beautiful that we develop the confidence and sound reasoning to face the world around us. To prevent a further descent into depression, efforts must be focused on getting him to see the beauty in himself. Try to encourage him to express his true feelings about himself. Find out exactly what bothers him about his body, and then work together to find solutions to get him back on track.

Let your husband know that it is important to you that he share what he is going through with you, and that he will never have to face it alone should he need your support. Thank him for what he does share, no matter how little it may be and avoid telling him that he shouldn’t feel what he feels.

Listen more than you speak, and begin touching him in non-sexual ways as a means of showing genuine affection. For example, I have dated men who were overweight and celebrated their bodies by touching them in tender, yet non-sexual ways. Once receptive to my touch I gave extra attention to the areas that bothered them. If it was their belly, for instance, I would rub it or give random, gentle kisses during cuddling as a way to show non-verbal acceptance and attraction.

Discuss how to get your husband back on the road to fitness and feeling good about himself. Offer to take that journey with him, and praise him at each step of the way. I know that you miss the sex right now, but once he starts to pick up his spirits your husband will be able to reconnect with you in the ways you desire. For now, try not to put too much pressure on his sexual performance as this will only cause him to feel worse about himself as a man.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com