Why do my relationships keep failing?
Dear Dr Nekia,
It looks like all of my relationships end the same way. I don’t know if it is something that I am doing wrong or if I keep getting involved with the wrong kind of men. I understand that relationships sometimes do not work out, but my last three have all ended with my man losing interest in me. Everything starts off great, but they eventually make excuses for why they do not want to spend as much time with me. Then they do not want to have sex as much and finally, they end up becoming so distant that we just break up. I am really afraid to get into another relationship because I do not want to keep going through this. Is there anything that I can do to stop this from happening again?
Relationships Keep Failing
Dear Relationships Keep Failing,
Oftentimes we are told that the reason for our relationship failures is not due to us but due to the other person. Friends and family try to assure us that there is nothing wrong with us; it is the other people who cannot appreciate us for the great catch that we are. Sometimes, this is true. But most times, if we are honest with ourselves, our relationship patterns are due to our own shortcomings.
Whether healthy or not, most, if not all of us, have developed thoughts, beliefs, and patterns of behaviour that determine how we view relationships and which types of partners we choose. These patterns are what shape our perceptions and motivate our actions when it comes to forming intimate social bonds. When these patterns are negative or unhealthy, they can be very difficult to change. We tend to hold tight to them whether they are working in our favour or not.
Take a look at the kind of guys you have been attracting. Do they have similarities? If so, list them so that you can get a clear picture of possibly negative characteristics. Once these characteristics are identified, you can avoid getting involved with men who have them. Next, take a look at yourself. Because you mentioned the gradual way in which your last three partners created distance from you, it may be that you are doing or saying some things that push men away or cause them to lose interest. What is it that you have to offer a man? Where is it that you could possibly be going wrong? Do you change after a period of time? Do you stop doing or offering the same things that you did in the beginning of the relationship? Did your appetite for, or attitude towards sex, change?
Failed relationships are never 100 per cent one person’s fault — even if your fault is that you ignore signs that tell you not to choose a certain partner. If it is that you are choosing unsuitable partners, you will want to find out why. By questioning and identifying behaviours that are key to how your relationships begin and develop, you will be able to work towards being able to attract a suitable man and also being able to keep his attention and interest.
Dear Dr Nekia,
An interesting topic has come up in my relationship. It surrounds oral sex. Both my wife and I enjoy receiving and giving however we do have our own ideas of when, where and who should give it first. The ‘when’ and ‘where’ is easily resolved, but we still disagree on the ‘who’. I know it might sound silly, but a man just does not want to be the one to be first all the time. Sometimes we want to lay back and enjoy it; it helps to get us in the mood.
On the other hand, my wife feels that a man should go first because it takes more effort and longer for a woman to get in the mood.
I understand that point, but if I think about that all of the time, giving my wife oral pleasure becomes a chore. My question is, does it really matter who goes first?
Who Goes First
Dear Who Goes First,
It doesn’t matter who touches first, who kisses first, or who performs oral sex first. What matters is that you and your partner are sexually compatible and that each is comfortable with the other’s sexual personality. Some people are more sexually aggressive, so they will tend to initiate and dominate whereas more reserved people will likely welcome sex, but not initiate or take the lead. Both are OK. Problems come about when one partner expects the other to act outside of their sexual personality, and when one or more partners switch their sexual personalities.
An example would be when someone who is usually the one to initiate sex begins to complain about having to be the one to always initiate.
Here, they’re expecting their partner to develop a more aggressive sexual personality to relieve themselves of their usual role. This can cause awkwardness and resentment in the bedroom, because their partner may not be comfortable with this expectation of change.
Another example would be when someone is no longer as interested in sex as they once were. Nevertheless, in marriage, both partners should feel comfortable enough to give and receive pleasure in multiple ways. You should know one another well enough to know if, when, where and by whom sex should be initiated.
Healthy couples are at least somewhat flexible in their sexual roles because they have opened up to one another enough to trust, explore and enjoy their sexual union.
Sexual flexibility and adaptability can alleviate much of the associated sexual boredom that comes along with long-term unions.
Therefore, oral sex may sometimes first be performed by the man, and other times by the woman.
It is true that many women take longer to become mentally and physically ready for sex, however it is also true that many women can shorten this time by performing oral sex on their partners. This is because all of her senses become involved during the act while stimulation of her mouth often translates to there being a stimulation of her genitals as well.
Not to say that all women enjoy or should practise fellatio, but rather that there are reasons for and against why one partner should always give oral pleasure first.
If the woman wants to set the sexual tone however, then she will want to be the dominant kisser, caresser, and pleasure provider during the initial stages of foreplay.
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