Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m dating someone who I care about but they require a lot of attention. At first I didn’t mind being there for him, helping him out and giving advice, but I feel like everything has to always be about him and I get ignored. I feel that he is not there for me — nowhere nearly like I am there for him — and if I say anything about it, he gets upset and it turns into an argument. I’m really beginning to feel like I don’t matter. Is it too much to ask to be with someone who cares about me as much as I care about him?

Sincerely,

Ignored

Dear Ignored,

It is not too much to ask to be cared for as much as you care, but it is a bit much to ask that a person cares for you exactly like you care for them.

We each choose the ways in which we feel comfortable expressing our love and care for others. Sometimes we do not pick up on the signals of love and care that others give us because we do not see or understand love outside of the way that we express it. Step one will be for you to make sure that you are not overlooking his efforts.

If he is feeling underappreciated, he very well may be argumentative. Men who feel underappreciated tend to go on the defence as they perceive your concerns as evidence that their efforts go unnoticed. If it is that he truly is not putting as much into you as you are into him, you will need to take an honest look at things. It may be that your support of him led to you neglecting yourself in ways that set the stage for a relationship that is codependent, rather than one that is mutually loving. You may have taught him how to treat you with neglect while taking the time and energy that you are willing to give.

We women often show our interest in a man by trying to rescue him, to show him that we can make life better for him. This is an attempt to prove what value we can have in his life, but far too often we forget about making sure that the man proves the same to us. It is easy to begin to feel like you are in a relationship with a dependent rather than a man who is an equal partner.

If this is the case, do not expect him to understand or accept that you have wants and needs too. What we accept or put up with early on in our relationships sets the tone for what comes later. Most times, men accept relationships that have dynamics that they agree with. Do not be surprised then, that when you try to change the dynamics of the relationship, if you are met with resistance.

Codependent relationships are rarely healthy or fulfilling because they are based on the other person fulfilling a void or need. You will have to decide if this kind of relationship is good for you. On the other hand, if he is making an honest effort to love you in ways that you do not recognise, you will have to have a conversation.

Allow him to express his feelings — it doesn’t matter if you agree or not. The point here is to get him to lower his defences by letting him feel that his feelings and efforts are valid. Find out the true dynamics of your relationship and either walk away, or make a joint effort so that you both feel valued and cared for.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years and we just had a baby. We live together and I have always had an issue with certain friends that come by.

Whenever they do, my boyfriend acts different. He drinks more, curses more and his priorities get all mixed up.

I told him that they are not good influences on him but he just accuses me of not wanting him to have friends and wanting to control his life. I don’t want to control him, I just want him to grow up a bit and put me and his son first. I don’t want that kind of company around my son either and his father doesn’t seem to understand that. How do I get him to see that his friends are holding him back?

Sincerely,

Bad Friends

Dear Bad Friends,

The simple response is to tell you that this is the man that you chose and you should accept him for who he is and the friends that he chooses. However, most critical-thinking people understand that such a statement isn’t really true. It’s difficult to get a loved one to see the negative impact that people who they value, or those who they may be strongly connected with, have on their lives and resentment can arise towards the person who points this out.

It does sound like these type of friends are counterproductive to the family you are trying to build and counterproductive to his growth as a person.

Try to get him to understand that you are not trying to take his friends from him, but that you need compromise on how often they hang out and where. Boundaries will need to be set regarding the activities that take place if these friends come over to the house.

You have every right to want to maintain a stable home environment for your son and yourself, so if the drinking and cursing makes you feel uncomfortable, express this to your boyfriend. In the end, he has to shift focus from thinking of his wants to thinking about the needs and comfort of the family. This can be very difficult for a man who is not ready, who feels controlled, or who does not yet see his woman and child as being his family. You cannot make him change or give up his friends, but you can help him to realise the negative effects of him choosing to hang with them.

When he is ready, he will distance himself from what is bad for him, but until then, try to compromise on boundaries while allowing him an outlet. It is very important that he understands you are not trying to control his life.

Be very careful that you are not imposing on him your vision of who you want him to be and what you want your family to look like.

You must also allow him the space to grow. It is crucial that a man feel like he is piloting his own life, is valued by his woman and is able to make change of his own free will. It is up to you as a woman to decide what to accept, but remember to be supportive at all times.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com