Dear Dr Nekia,

The man I am dating is always stressed. Even when things seem to go right for him, he is unhappy. As you can imagine, this takes a toll on our relationship as he gets moody and doesn’t feel like doing anything much.

I like to get out and do things and have experiences that create memories and he often does not have the energy or desire to do so.

I try to be understanding because he has a lot on his plate, but I cannot help feel like I am getting the short end of the stick here. Plus, I’ve noticed he reminisces about his younger days a lot and, interestingly enough, that excites him and brings a big smile to his face. What can be done to improve the situation?

Sincerely,

He Is Grumpy

Dear He Is Grumpy,

If you are putting in significantly more effort to build the relationship than he is, then you are getting short-changed. Just because a couple spends large amounts of time together does not mean that they are building a relationship. They need to develop a strong bond by creating special moments and sharing experiences. If your man is too stressed or too overwhelmed or too busy or depressed to do this, your relationship will become stagnant and eventually crumble.

It sounds as though your guy is depressed and, since he looks back on his past so often with rose-coloured glasses, is feeling unfulfilled in his present.

This may have nothing to do with you but it would explain his behaviour. Something has happened to make him feel defeated.

When we feel stuck or unsuccessful or insignificant in our present, we often become anxious about our future and dwell on our past. We choose a time period where we felt our strongest, most loved, most successful, and most happy and free. It allows us to escape how we really feel about who and what we have become.

This, of course, is a false sense of security. Since we are unable to invest in the present, we continue to experience weakness, failure and emptiness. Bad habits can develop, motivation leaves us and hopelessness sets in as we begin to see no way out of our condition. It doesn’t matter how many people point ways out for us to turn things around, until we are ready to face our truth, we will remain where we are. If he is depressed, there is, arguably, medication that can help, but diet and exercise along with set goals and a map to creating meaning and purpose in his life will also help him rediscover himself.

The more he moves in a positive direction, the more motivated he will become as he begins to see the fruits of his efforts. Eventually he will find the value in himself again and see that he has the potential to grow into someone much more.

This does not mean that you have to break up. It just means that your relationship path will be a bit different than the norm. If you have the patience, and you are both committed, then you can certainly weather this storm. But if he is not willing to face his reality, then you are fighting a losing battle and will end up with an unhappy relationship.

Ask yourself just how much of your wants and needs you are willing to sacrifice. Find out if he is ready to invest in a brighter tomorrow for himself and the relationship, then you will know where you stand. It is great to help people out of love, but sometimes it is better to give them space to let them carve out their own destiny.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is it possible to become addicted to masturbating? I think that I may be addicted to using my vibrators. I find it nearly impossible to orgasm with a man and I go to my toy of choice to finish off the job almost every time.

Before using them it took a while for me to orgasm and I began to feel guilty about wanting men to put in all that time with me since they would finish before I did. But now, I hardly ever orgasm from human stimulation. Could this be due to using toys?

Sincerely,

Toy Addiction

Dear Toy Addiction,

Vibrators were invented as a medical aid. Doctors used to think that hysteria, anxiety, depression, paranoia and other personality disorders in women were due to pent-up sexual energy and sexual frustration so they would massage their female patients to orgasm.

This posed a problem because hands got tired. Thus, the vibrator was born. Eventually, antidepressants and other medications became the standard form of treatment and vibrators became sex toys. With an estimated 60 per cent of women unable to orgasm through penetration, sales rocketed. Their intense sensations and the convenience they offer the modern-day woman contribute greatly to their appeal. They can feel good and get the job done, however there is a dark side to their use.

Over time, vibrators desensitise genitals. Because their sensations cannot be replicated by human touch, the more you use them, the less sensitive to human touch you will become, and therefore more reliant on them.

Continuous use can also make you a lazy and frustrated lover. They provide quick orgasms and train your body and mind to want instant gratification instead of the natural build-up of excitement and anticipation that occurs with human interaction.

As a result, sex without it becomes boring which is why a lot of women are constantly seeking the latest toy or trick to supplement their failing sex lives.

Vibrators also interrupt the human to human connection. Users rely on the excitement the machine provides instead of the excitement that comes with exploring their partner.

Sex without the use of toys takes openness, patience, effort, and sometimes a lot of trial and error, to get things right and keep things exciting so when couples rely on sexual toys to keep them excited, it is a shame.

But to understand this our attitude towards sex needs to change. We like to have sex the same way we like most other things in our lives: fast in availability and quick in gratification; minimum effort yielding maximum results.

I would suggest that you cut back on your use of vibrators. Ween off them by using them only to excite you, but not bring you to climax.

After being aroused, use that energy to have a flirty night out, or allow your lover to finish the job for you. Eventually you will be able to stop using them and return to stimulating yourself manually.

As your body becomes reacquainted with the human touch, you will become more sensitive and able to more easily orgasm from human-to-human contact. At that point, it may take some time, exploration, and the aid of a willing and sensitive lover to discover what makes you orgasm naturally.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com