Working for Santa Claus ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

That’s the word from one of Santa’s chief helpers. The Royal Gazette recently obtained the exclusive with Elvis the Elf. He said that after 247 years working for The Big Guy, he wanted to set the record straight.

Elvis described a man who is secretly soft on juvenile misbehaviour and incredibly hard on his staff — they’re compensated for their long hours with hot chocolate and rejected toys.

Q: How did you begin working for Santa Claus?

A: My parents worked for Santa. They said they had this great job for me building toys for kids — they obviously lied. They built the thing up, but once you get this job, it’s for life. You can’t leave.

Q: If your parents got you the job, that sounds like nepotism. What about all the other little elves that wanted to work for Santa but didn’t have the right connections?

A: They are all working in department stores.

Q: What were your expectations of the job when you started and what is it really like?

A: I thought it would be a lot of ho ho-ing and a lot of fun, building toys for the good girls and boys.

Really, what it has turned out to be is just some man who goes around the world once a year. He just pushes and pushes us in anticipation of that one day. We have to build toys and build toys. We have had to start a union, the Union of Elves.

Q: How did Santa react to that?

A: He just ho-hoed. Nothing fazes the man. Now we have to have monthly union meetings. We know we have a quota. He asks for this list of the good and bad children, and we present him with that. He checks it once, he checks it twice and then he goes back and says, ‘Oh Timmy wasn’t that bad’. Then he moves him over to the good list. It’s very frustrating.

Q: I was going to say that there is a rumour that he is quite soft on naughty children.

A: He is. He is. He doesn’t stand his ground. As soon as he sees some kid, he goes all mushy. This is annoying to us. We just never, never get a break.

Q: There must be something good about working for Santa Claus?

A: Well, we get a lot of snow ball fights. That’s about it. There’s also a lot of hot cocoa.

Q: How does Santa feel about Bermuda?

A: He keeps missing it. He flies over. He has to turn around and come back. And does he go through Customs? No! No, I am the one that has to go through Customs and Immigration in Bermuda. I get stung there every time. I can’t stay more than three months. He comes along and drops all this stuff off and Customs doesn’t bat an eyelid. It’s no wonder the Island is a mess. He doesn’t pay any duty, like I have to.

Q: What about the elves? Do they get Christmas presents?

A: No, we have our own holiday. It is Elf Day. It is in summer when it is a bit warmer.

Q: Now that elves are unionised do they take a vacation?

A: We get January 1 to 5 off and then it’s back to work to start making more toys.

Q: Any signs of global warming around Santa’s village?

A: I put on a lighter hat these days. My ears are not as cold. I think it is a myth, again one of those stories that ain’t true.

Q: Overall you are helping to make children happy the world over. Is it worthwhile?

A: For me? Well, I guess...