Dear Sir,

My new bedroom furniture has now spent longer at Hamilton Docks than it did being held up by the freakish winter weather on the Eastern Seaboard. The reason? The overseas company put two free advertising banners in the container and Customs are unable to work out how much they are worth.

The person in charge of Deciding has now been in the process of Deciding for nearly two weeks. The company, who import these mattresses, can’t understand how a few cartoon sheep hanging on a sign can cause so much delay and have told The Decider to put down whatever amount Customs like, they just want to get their furniture to their customers.

How much is The Decider being paid to Decide? Is there actually a Department of Deciding, employing many Deciders, who have lots of meetings/ do lots of paperwork to justify the position of Decider? How much electricity has been used and phone calls made, to aid The Decider in Deciding just how much sheep printed on plastic are really worth?

Anna Ridgeway