Dear Dr Nekia,

My boyfriend and I argue over petty little things. What confuses me is that each argument turns into him saying that I always have a comeback, and that I do not listen. Is it just me or aren’t conversations about two people giving their points of view? Well, this last time I didn’t respond at all no matter how many times he asked me to. I just told him that since I always have a comeback I will just keep quiet. Funny thing is he is perfectly fine with this even though I feel that the issue was not addressed or solved. So what doc, am I just supposed to keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life?

Sincerely,

Can’t Be Silenced

Dear Can’t Be Silenced,

The issue did not get addressed or solved because you chose to keep silent. Chances are that it probably would not have gotten solved anyhow if he takes the defensive approach of pointing out that you always have something to say.

When people do this, they are attempting to switch the focus of the conversation from the actual problem, to a consequential communication issue. This happens when a person’s behaviour is in question, and it is a form of deflection or blame shifting.

In relationships, it would seem that many resort to using communication techniques as war tactics rather than using communication for what it is meant for — understanding. Needless to say, this can be very frustrating and exhausting. You see, people are more concerned with being right, even when they are not, and being defensive, even when they are to blame, rather being concerned with actual problem-solving and relationship building. And while you are correct that a conversation is about two or more people giving their points of view, a conversation is also about listening.

Maybe your man friend honestly feels as though you do not listen, or maybe this is just another defence of his.

People tend to get frustrated and feel attacked when the person they are speaking with does not bend to accommodate or agree with their points of view. Opposing points of view are often seen as confrontational opposition, and this is even more common among those emotionally involved. Once opposition is perceived, it is easy for someone to feel as though they are not being heard even though they really are. When communicating with him, make sure to find out if he thinks that he is not being heard, or if he perceives that he is not being heard.

There is a difference and how you should proceed depends on the answer. For example, if he thinks that he is not being heard, this could be because you’re ineffectively communicating your responses; if he perceives he’s not being heard it could be due to his inability to clearly communicate what he really wants. Some men find it very difficult to communicate their true thoughts and feelings. He is still to be held responsible for his contribution whilst communicating, but until he gets it right, you will at least have a bit of understanding as to what is really going on when your discussions turn into unnecessary bickering.

Lastly, now that you see that being silent bothers you more than it does him, you may want to stick with your first mind — which is to speak your points of view. Even if not well received, it is important to realise that getting things out in the open rather than clamming up and shutting down is far more healthy for you and the relationship. It is true that many men today still feel as though a woman who does not agree with them is a woman who is stubborn, difficult, and impossible to get along with.

These men tend to prefer their woman to remain silent rather than to express opposing beliefs or feelings. If your man is this kind of man, it is better that you find this out now and not later.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Lately I feel that I have to choose between my man and my family and friends. Yes, he has done wrong and I understand why people would not like him and not support our relationship, but I still choose to be with him and we are working on improving ourselves and our relationship. Sometimes I just can’t take people’s “holier than thou” attitudes when they know their own skeletons. I shouldn’t have to choose between being with him or them. Especially during holidays. I’m just tired.

Sincerely,

Not Choosing

Dear Not Choosing,

The thing is this: unfortunately if most of us were to follow the advice of and put our friends and family first, we would always be single or be involved in some form of dysfunctional relationship. You must come first and if your relationship is that important to you, it too must take priority over the opinions of others. Too often our loved ones say and do things to drive a wedge between us and our chosen partner. These same friends will put their man first and will not care too much about what you think either. It’s manipulation and power play really, and if you are not careful, you will find yourself alone. As for the guilt that many of us feel when we choose our man over our friends, please understand that putting your relationship on a pedestal should happen! Your relationship should be a central part of your daily life. As adults, we need to learn to leave the schoolyard thinking of dependency on acceptance from peers and family behind. We have bought into the “bros before hoes” and girls before boyfriends paradigm which is both unfortunate and childish. Such beliefs reflect our lack of trust in and devotion to the opposite sex — a form of thinking that greatly divides man and woman. Any person who makes you feel guilty for putting your relationship first, who expects you to put them before your man, or who outright makes you choose between them and your man, needs to be re-evaluated. Recognise that they are not being as disrespectful of your man as they are being of you. Basically they’re saying that they don’t respect him or your relationship and they do not care how you feel about it.

They are trying to assert themselves in your life and, if you let them, you have some growing to do.

You at no point should have to choose between being with your man or your friends. If your man made you choose between him and them, they would claim he was possessive.

Life is about living and experiencing and relationships are about building and experiencing the life you create with your significant other. How are you supposed to do this if you have to leave him out just to please others? And do not be surprised when he uses his time alone to seek the attention of another woman.

You will only have yourself to blame here. This is not to say that we will all get along or even like who our friends choose as partners and lovers but you should respect your friend enough to accept and respect their man.

If your friends and family make you choose whether to spend time with them or with him they are truly being selfish and you are not being respected. No matter if they feel that they have a valid reason or not. If they simply do not get along it’s best you either choose a new man or choose new friends. Your significant other should never come second, and you should never have to choose. It’s that simple.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating someone and we recently have become intimate. I do not know how to tell him, but I hate giving him oral attention. I still do it, but I try to keep it short and sweet. The reason is because he does not taste nice. I mean really he doesn’t.

He doesn’t smell or anything, it’s just the taste. How can I tell him, and is there anything that can be done because I don’t know how much longer I can accommodate him?

Sincerely,

It Tastes Nasty

Dear It Tastes Nasty,

Two good things here. For one, this issue is far more common than you may think and more true than men may want to admit. And second is that the fix is relatively simple as long as he is willing to co-operate. Diet and overall health directly influence the smell, texture, and taste of all things down there. This is true for both men and women.

Other mammals instinctively know, but people too can determine the overall health of their partners through taste and smell.

If something smells and tastes a bit off and the doctor has given you the go-ahead, the first thing that will need to be addressed is diet. Encourage your man to eat more fresh fruits.

Acidic fruits like lemons and limes are great at alkalising the body which will reduce pungent, spicy, strong tastes; sweet fruits like berries will cause him to taste sweeter as well. Next he will want to tackle lifestyle choices.

Alcohol and smoking are not only the biggest contributors to male erectile dysfunction but they are also the biggest contributors to bitter tasting body fluids.

You can smell and taste them on their breath and you can also taste their effects down there. Get him to reduce or cut these out completely. Alternatively, you could let him know that you are not willing to go down on him on the days that he drinks and/or smokes.

He may not like this, but you need to stand up for yourself and realise that you have every right to set boundaries for your health, pleasure and wellbeing. On the flip side, reward him for being clean by giving him extra special attention.

Go the extra mile and he will soon get the message that if he is a “good boy”, he will get more of what he wants. Most men respond really well to this form of sexual positive reinforcement.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com