Dear Dr Nekia,

My question is a pretty simple one. Do you believe that the average woman places too much of her self-worth on her ability to attract men? Most would deny it, but I’ve watched women transform themselves to follow celebrities and the latest fad, all in the name of being sexually appealing. Why not just be yourself to attract the right kind of guys to you? Most of us good men out there will not give our all to a woman who is insecure.

Sincerely,

Self-Worthless

Dear Self-Worthless,

To answer your question bluntly, yes. Self-worth is defined as how much or how little one values themselves. People, places and things cannot boost your value and, in actual fact, if you try to use these to do so you only end up doing the opposite — objectifying yourself. When a female places too much emphasis on this, she loses sight of who she is and everything else that she has to offer. You will find that these females tend to conform in any and every way possible just to be physically attractive to men. Black women, for example, straighten their hair. They say that it is because it is easier to manage or they think that they look better that way, but the truth is they would stop if men thought natural hair was attractive. As another example, men decided that perky breasts were best, so women began wearing bras and getting augmentations. More recently, men proclaimed having an hourglass shape as the standard of beauty, so women started wearing restrictive undergarments and getting implants in their buttocks. Anyone who flip-flops for the sake of the latest trend is insecure, whether they admit it or not. A woman is much more than her physical attributes; sexual attraction and being feminine goes far beyond the physical. If men and women learnt the true essence of being female, they would be more inclined to value themselves and each other.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating someone who keeps in touch with guys she has had sex with and others who are trying. She says that she wants to be in a committed relationship with me, but that she is a social butterfly and should not have to stop having conversations with these men. She does it behind my back and in front of me as well; we could be watching a movie or lying in bed and she will respond to their messages. She says that these conversations are harmless and that, at the most, she may flirt a little. I feel that if she is serious about me and us, that she would have no need to talk to these guys anymore. She thinks that I am overreacting, but I feel extremely uncomfortable with this and am ready to walk away. Do you think that I am overreacting?

Sincerely,

She Keeps Them Around

Dear She Keeps Them Around,

I find that in Bermuda in particular, there is a culture of sleeping with people, calling them your friend, and then keeping them around in your life for one reason or another. Sometimes it’s just for friendly conversation, sometimes more. The bottom line is that it leaves opportunity for it being more and really there is no justification for it in a committed relationship. For one, these people are a distraction. You cannot fully commit to someone if you have other sexual partners around whether or not you are currently having sex with them. Secondly, they distract the bonding process of partners. For example, if your woman was in need of something, she may seek the easiest way to get it. She will recall that so and so works for so and so or knows so and so who can help her to get a good deal. So, instead of trusting you to fill her want or need, she turns to her so-called friend who gladly obliges because of the underlying sexual motive. If you could not provide, the situation should have led to the opportunity for you, as a couple, to come up with a viable solution together. When a couple relies on one another to fill their wants, they grow stronger together. These so-called friendships also fill voids during times of boredom. If you’re not around, your woman will likely turn to these men for entertainment.

This teaches her that she does not have to wait on you to satisfy her desire for attention.

So, no you are not overreacting.

If this is an issue that cannot be resolved, you may need to consider going elsewhere to find a relationship that is more compatible. You cannot expect to be truly connected to and intimately involved with someone who is not ready to let go the security or comfort of others. Opposite-sex friends are fine but not when the relationship has a sexual nature. They are not friends and would have sex with her in a heartbeat, no matter the cost to her relationship or happiness. Their attraction to her provides comfort and security because she is most likely insecure about the relationship and fears being alone should things not work out. Find yourself someone who is more mature if she refuses to let them go, because you cannot give your all to someone who is not willing to give their all to you.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com