Trust is a big factor in our relationship
Dear Dr Nekia,
I was wondering if you can elaborate a little more. I read your articles quite a bit but one, “What can I do if my man is paranoid?”, is what I most relate to at the moment. I am in a similar predicament, although I haven’t given my boyfriend/friend any reason to be insecure. Trust is a big factor and we argue more than a married couple, or anyone I have been with in the past. After six months he told me that we should go back to the friendship stage of our relationship without the titles of girlfriend/boyfriend — but not see other people. I was confused about how this might work but I was open to it and now I’m not sure if I made the right decision. Any advice on where to go from here?
Dear What Now,
We all carry insecurities from previous relationships that help shape our interpretation of our current relationship and our expectation of things to come. This is why it is important that couples talk extensively and honestly about past relationships and experiences — we can’t truly understand our partners unless we know their journey. Perhaps the reason why he is so insecure with you is because of something from his past. Another reason could be that he is having difficulty navigating through his feelings for you. This can happen when men care about a woman unexpectedly, or when they begin to care about her more than they have anyone else. In these instances, the insecurity comes from a fear of vulnerability. Your guy could also be insecure because he knows what he is capable of doing. The human psyche is set up in a way where, if a person knows that they are not trustworthy, they tend to think that their partner is just like them. You need to take an honest look at why you argue so much. Are the problems real? Are they being created? Or are you just not compatible? It is not uncommon in Bermuda to be with someone for three years and not have a fully developed relationship, but six months is a long time to spend with a person and then retract to the friendship zone. Bermudians tend not to date but if we are unsure about a person we should allow them to keep their options open. Most women are monogamous too soon; men take longer to commit and, by the time they do, are pretty confident that they have chosen the best person for them. When they don’t commit, we are strung along and, before you know it, we women have given year after year to failed unions. I say all that to say that, if after being in a relationship with you for six months he does not see your value, then it may be time to let him go. When people say ‘we need to take a break’, what they’re really saying is that they are nowhere near giving you their 100 per cent; that they’re not sure of your place in their life. Real commitment works through disagreements, problems and hardships. You have to value yourself more than the terms you have agreed to. If you do not, he certainly will not value you either. Is it your reality or your fantasy that let you agree to be sentenced back into the friend zone? If you are confused about whether or not he is your man, as evidenced by you calling him your boyfriend/friend, then he is not worth your loyalty at this point and you should seriously consider charting a new course.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I am having a lot of trouble with premature ejaculation lately. I never used to have this problem so I am not sure what is going on. Honestly, it is making me not even want to have sex because it is embarrassing. What could be going on and what can I do about it?
Way Too Soon
Dear Way Too Soon,
When it comes to premature ejaculation there are several factors to take into account. It usually comes on gradually but for some, as in your case, it can happen suddenly. The first thing you will want to do is go get a physical. I know that you may not want to, but it is important to rule out any medical reasons behind your condition. Next, you will want to visit any non-sexual changes that have happened in your life lately. Stress and sleep deprivation are huge contributing factors, this is because they both affect the nervous system. If you are on edge and not getting enough rest, your nerves can begin to misfire or fire more rapidly. Your body becomes hypersensitive and you may begin to experience uncontrollable movements. You may also notice other changes — the need to urinate more frequently, an inability to hold your urine as long as you once did, eye twitches, sensitive testicles etc. You might also notice other changes: hyper-vigilance, restlessness, moodiness, or that you’re easily excited. A new sexual partner could also be the reason for your premature ejaculation.
Sometimes the novelty of a sexual experience is all a man needs to make him much too excited way too soon. This especially happens when it is someone who you have been anticipating or someone who you are very sexually attracted to. Even though many men will not admit it, most have faced this issue at some period during their lives. Once you know the cause, you can then work towards a solution. I would like to be able to tell you what to do about it right now, but that’s not possible without me knowing the cause or having more information. I suggest you visit your doctor and discuss this with them. In the meantime, you can refrain from sex if it is really bothering you or you can talk to your partner(s) about it.