I am convinced that many people do not know how they sound or how they appear to others. Have you ever recorded your voice and then played it back? It doesn’t sound the same, does it? When a person speaks, the vibrations made while forming and uttering those words mediate the sound of his or her voice. Instead of hearing something coming from outside one’s head, a person is hearing the sound created within one’s own head. Thus, we don’t hear ourselves as other people hear us.

We also do not see ourselves as others see us, nor sense our own presence in physical space as do those who must share that space with us. A man might have a stern expression on his face when he is merely trying to concentrate. A woman might have an alluring smile when she is merely thinking about a picnic with the kids. Thus, it is possible for a person to come across to others in ways that produce surprising responses from those around; then, misunderstandings ensue, relationships breakdown, deals fall through, and people have difficulty with one another.

This is at least partially because the meaning of the message or experience is in the mind of the receiver. When someone says, “You are offending me,” what they mean is that someone is doing something to them. However, what is actually going on?

Such actions and words register against the background of every other thing in life that connects, and the significance is that they are offensive. The offended person makes a meaning, gives an interpretation and that generates feelings.

Those feelings can be quite uncomfortable. The whole experience, then, becomes one in which, subjectively, it seems that someone else is doing something to them, but in actuality they are doing it to themselves. In such situations I have been known to challenge the person’s construction of the events by saying, “Please stop offending yourself.”

That usually does not clear the air, for they find that offensive too, but it does raise the point about what is actually going on.

Sometimes, however, “paranoid people actually do have enemies,” that is, what actually takes place is that an entirely abrasive, callous, inconsiderate, unkind, overbearing, and obnoxious individual takes out all his or her frustrations in life on other people. When such people have a platform, such as an administrative position, a political appointment or office, or an authoritative role to play in society, then it’s as if they have a licence to behave badly.

Such people gain a reputation. You can see the others with whom they work constantly shaking their heads, clicking their tongues, or sucking air through their teeth as they watch these small people act as if they are big people.

They are not big people. They cause hurt and damage on a regular basis, and they are selfish. Sometimes they are also blind, and they go to church on Sundays, completely compartmentalised, kneeling and standing, repeating the creeds and prayers, singing the hymns, and talking a good talk only to go right back out there on Monday to batter and brutalise everyone around them, practise hatred, and take advantage of their “licence to behave badly”.

God does not delight in the empty, ritualistic sacrifices of people. He cannot be housed in a physical temple, because He fills the earth, and he cannot be placated by the flimsy, half-hearted religiosity of people who don’t really mean it. If they meant it, they would comprehend the significance of the prophet Micah when he wrote, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

Half the battle in dealing with difficult situations is figuring out what is actually going on. Is it this, or is it that? Is it a little of both? It makes a difference if one is offending oneself or if one is up against a person with a licence to behave badly. How can you tell the difference?

First, check out your imaginations, your constructions of what is going on. Ask the other person if they meant to imply that you were an ignorant fool? Give feedback as to how what they are saying or doing seems to you, but phrase it as your impression rather than assuming they meant to cause you grief. Watch how they respond to such simple and personable information. Ask others around you if they heard it the way you heard it. Check behind the scenes to find out if you’re dealing with a pattern of bad behaviour. Hold your theories about others loosely until you have checked them out; this is important for keeping your own emotions in balance. Some things we can’t know, because they just haven’t been “given” to us in one way or another. In those cases, it is best to keep holding your theories loosely, even though that is difficult. Last, comfort and care for yourself; support yourself in what you affirm.Dr. Philip Brownell, M.Div., Psy.D. is a psychologist at Benedict Associates. He can be contacted at 295-2070 or by e-mail at crossroads<$>[AT]g-gej.org