Our words are powerful tools. Our words can comfort a child after falling, build a friend up in difficult times, create a whole new world when we read a novel, touch our soul when listening to a poem or deep song, and connect us with others.

However, words can also harm and destroy relationships. You may remember something one said to you in high school, and you still carry it with you.

In Ephesians 4:29 the apostle Paul gives this advice: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)

This verse basically tells us that our words are like power tools, used correctly they can be helpful, but in the hands of a fool they can injure others and oneself — just as words can build friendships and great things, they can destroy even families.

The apostle James uses the whole Chapter 3 of his letter to teach his Christian friends to “tame the tongue”. He says, just like a small rudder can direct a big ship, or, actually quite timely with all the wildfires in North America and Europe, that a small spark can set a whole forest aflame.

Already King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:21 (The Message): “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit — you choose.”

We have choices

Indeed, we have a choice here. Sure, when we are angry, words slip out easily, words we might regret later. In the moment we might feel some relief by swearing or “just telling the truth”. Just a few verses earlier in Ephesians 4:15 we can read “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Truth without love is nothing but a sounding gong or clanging cymbal (compare 1 Corinthians 13:1-2).

Still, it appears to me sometimes that we live in an anger-filled world. We can observe that in many modern song lyrics or violent movies. Music often expresses deep feelings with its beats and words, and there seems to be a lot of anger out there, anger about an unfair and unjust world or society, anger about frustration in relationships when our partner dares to have an opinion and a mind of their own.

However, what is thought as a relief, might actually increase the bad mood in the long run and what goes in, must come out. I know some folks who swear in every sentence and only know one adjective (it starts with “f”) to describe a world of colour and beauty. The good news is, we do have a choice here.

Anger is a secondary emotion

Let us look at what anger actually is. Psychologists call it a secondary emotion. Secondary, as it comes usually after sensed danger (fear) or hurt, which are the primary emotions.

When we feel hurt or detect a dangerous situation, our lymbic system in the stem brain takes over within milliseconds. It is the fight-or-flight response. Anger was meant to help us “fight to win” by releasing cortisol and adrenalin into the blood stream, hormones that give immense power. It was very helpful when our ancestors lived in caves in the jungle with bears and tigers all around.

The 16th century reformer Martin Luther used to say: Your neighbour is not a bear or other beast, but created in the image of God, that is why we can choose to love our neighbour as ourselves rather than curse him or her.

However, it takes some mental work to get to that stage. In general it is true that “hurt people hurt people.” When we sense that someone attacks us (even just with a word, a gesture, or choice) we feel we have to get even.

We might even release the anger at others who were not involved, because it put us in a bad mood and we cannot “pay back” the culprit.

Let’s leave the stone ages behind

The problem is that when the lymbic system, our “reptilian brain”, reacts to the danger or hurt, our thinking brain, the frontal lobe, is temporarily not in control. When survival depended on an immediate answer to danger (the tiger is jumping in your direction already) there was not time for thinking. But what was protecting us and helpful in the stone ages, has become a problem for many in our times.

Seldom do we need to respond with anger to prevent further danger. Sure, there are many annoying situations every day.

Just travelling from St George’s to Somerset could probably give you dozens of reasons to get angry and swear at those “idiots” who drive even worse than you do. However, that crazy rider is long gone and does not even think about you any more, while your cortisol levels slowly destroy your physical and mental health.

High cortisol levels will lead to inflammation and eventually even to a heart attack. We might even be so upset that we shout at our spouse or the children on the back seat. I learnt from Pastor Rick Warren to call annoying people EGRs, extra grace required.

We have a choice. If it has to be a four-letter-word try something new: after all, love is a four-letter-word as well. We have a choice.

When we keep breaking down everything around us, we will live in ruins, or we can begin to build up. We have a choice how we act and react. Try to respond with an honest smile, say a prayer for the fool who overtook with oncoming traffic, keep a bit farther left to make extra space and try to learn the skill of keeping proper distance to the vehicle in front of you. It takes away the urge to overtake, only to drive afterwards with the same speed in front of the other car.

Love and forgiveness can change people

I had a good friend, a calm older pastor here in Bermuda. He was the gentlest person you can think of, small of stature and always smiling. To me he was a true mentor.

So, I was totally flabbergasted when he told me at his 80th birthday that his nickname in his youth was “Trigger”. He said he would have jumped across the table if one only blinked at him in the wrong way.

However, later in life he discovered the amazing grace of God, that God loved him besides all his own faults and shortcomings, that Christ had been willing to die for him on the cross to let him know about love and forgiveness.

Indeed, forgiveness can help us to overcome our anger, to tame our tongue and to allow our thinking brain to take over control again instead of the rather dull reptilian brain. Forgiveness can help us to love our neighbour even when the same neighbour might get on our nerves or step on our toes.

She might just be another hurt person, one in need of patience and kindness (remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, NIV): “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

• Karsten Decker was the pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Bermuda from 2010 to 2017, and after returning from Germany is now the temporary pulpit supply at Centenary United Methodist Church in Smith’s