For porn addict John, the Internet was his downfall as he spent night after night trawling sex websites.

But after years struggling with a compulsion which placed strains on his marriage and his work, the Internet was his saviour as he found help after counsellors in Bermuda turned him away.

John (not his real name) is in his 40s now but says his compulsion for pornography started with magazines when he was 14.

By the time he was 25 he knew he had a problem.

?I sought help. I actually went to counselling, he basically told me there was nothing wrong with me.

?There was a generally apathy and lack of awareness. I continued searching and went to Addiction Services but no one could help me.?

If counsellors thought everything was fine, John, in his heart of hearts, knew different.

And with the advent of Internet porn the problem spiralled out of control.

No longer did he have to risk the social sanction of buying magazines from pharmacies in public. He was now in a safe place to pursue his compulsion without interruption ? often for seven hours a night.

To his inquiring wife of nine years he told her he was looking at sports sites on the home PC.

He would be late for work after spending hours at home looking ?for women of a particular type?. John, who admits battling his addiction is a work in progress ? is reluctant to expand.

He would sneak looks on-line at work, where he worked in administration, and often stay late to use the terminals to fuel his lust.

It made him both tired and ashamed.

?I had judgment lapses in making the right decisions through lack of sleep.

?And even in terms of not making mistakes but I felt really guilty. I would feel really edgy and almost withdraw because the guilt affected my relationships with people.

?People would ask are you OK? I would say yes but inside I would be screaming. It was a feeling like being trapped in a glass bottle.?

His wife bore the brunt of his emotional withdrawals.

John agrees with psychologist Vaughan Mosher who says sex addicts have an inner void.

?It has very little to do with sex, it?s mostly to do with the emptiness.

?For me it was a need for acceptance and a fear of failure. It was my own perception of myself ? with very low self esteem. It was my way of sedating myself and making myself feel better.?

However looking at porn put him right back where he started.

Sometimes he would be able to leave it alone for weeks, sometimes months.

?It was like a cycle. You try to stop but then it kicks in again. There weren?t necessarily physical symptoms.

?But I would notice a feeling of being overwhelmed and used it to sedate myself or used it to neutralise whatever pain or discomfort I was feeling in life.

?In terms of the financial cost I can try to put a figure on it. It?s probably close to $10,000.

?People might say that?s not much but when something has more power over you than you have over it, then it?s a problem.?

After running into a brick wall in trying to get help in Bermuda, John began to research the problem himself about four years ago.

He saw Dr. Doug Weiss on Oprah and logged on to his website. Several phone sessions were then had with the Colorado-based expert.

It wasn?t expensive, but it was an emotional life-saver to John who has gone on to study his behaviour, as well as the phenomenon of sex addiction, deeply.

?There?s a stigma ? people don?t understand. There?s a difference between sexual offenders and sex addicts. You can have a sex offender who is a sex addict as well but you can have an addict who is not a sex offender.?

It?s a huge difference. Nothing John did was illegal ? the women he looked at were over 18 and for most of the time so was he.

But that didn?t mean it wasn?t causing harm. For him the fact he was repeatedly lying to his wife was ample evidence something was wrong.

The porn abuse came from a need for intimacy which he said wasn?t necessarily linked to sex.

Now he is addressing his need for intimacy while a reconnection with religion has also helped him on the road to recovery. ?My wife is really supportive of me.?

And the porn blocker on the computer has been a boon.

John is delighted sexual addiction is getting the attention it deserves with Government and mental health professionals waking up to the problem.

He just wishes they had been around when he gave a cry for help years ago.

?About a year ago I considered taking out an advert about starting a support group. That?s how far I had gone with this but there are privacy issues.

?I am still looking at this.?

He has even put together pamphlets on the subject which he considered distributing in public places.

For him recovery has strengthened his relationship with his wife and allowed him to have friendships with women without their being a sexual agenda.

But others still struggle.

?If you look around you see a lot of teen pregnancies, people in Bermuda, from my experience, tend to be very sexual in terms of their social life. It?s so pervasive.

?I know for me it started at 14. It grew out of curiosity but my curiosity got to the point where it affected everything in my life.?

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