seemed life was at its highest peak where nothing could go wrong. However, just like the unexpected, so it did. I lost total contact with the author of my faith. You see, we once had a relationship where we could never be set apart, unfortunately this was my reason for test and trial. I was going through the storm. There were times I prayed and never received an answer.

There were times I read `the word' and never received an answer. I soon began to question my faith -- wondering if God loved me or why He was allowing me to suffer. When I began to walk through the desert storm, I began to weaken not only physically but spiritually, as well. I asked myself why would my Father test me when He knew I would fall. I began to get frustrated and angry. How could the one who built me up on such a high allow me to fall? He built me up.

He had me preach and teach His Word. I followed Him to the best of my ability.

He spoke; I did. How could this be? In my time of need, the time I needed Him, I couldn't find Him. Now, I've fallen and appear to be a hypocrite to my peers -- preached one thing and did the total opposite. My struggle got so bad that I stopped attending church; I stopped speaking to my pastor; I stopped teaching and preaching His Word. Things got so bad I stopped speaking to the Lord. I became more and more angry with Him. Not only have I lost my spiritual guide, it seems I have lost my purpose in life. I have let myself and friends down, but more importantly, I have let the Lord down. I asked myself how could I have let Him down when He let me down first. He promised in His Word He'd never leave me nor forsake me. In my time of need I could not find Him. My dreams were to serve him until I died; become an evangelist; preach and teach His Word; Obey Him, trust and depend on Him. I wanted to save souls for His kingdom, the kingdom I some day wanted to enter; but all my plans failed. Now my soul is lost trying to find its way home, and I keep coming to a dead end.

I've searched so hard to find my purpose and destiny in life. I'm so tired and ready to give up. Lord, how could this be that I served you, I gave you my all and ended up lost -- No where to go -- all dead ends. I've almost hit rock bottom. I'm scared to come back to you. I am scared to fall, scared to travel a road I want to travel, but feel I cannot make it. Things have gotten so difficult. I tried to commit suicide the other day. I was depressed, crying, frustrated ready to give up. If I had moved three inches more, I would have fallen, dropped into the shallow part on the stones, but all I could think of was that I did not want to die. I didn't want to go to hell. I then turned the other direction and walked off. I had to convince myself to be strong and succeed in all that I do and to prove my friends wrong, showing them I am somebody special and that I will succeed in all that I plan to achieve. I told myself to no longer receive any negative words or thoughts from others. Lord, I've made up my mind. I'm going to succeed in life. I'm going to answer my calling and purpose, but right now I'm not ready; not ready to get from under this stone; not ready to take another chance. However, because of the decision I've made, my soul is lost. This is the most painful day of my life. Lord, will you ever answer my prayers? Will you ever make me strong enough to serve you? Will you put that fire back in my spirit? Lord, I'm angry with you. I have to be honest, but I do forgive you. However my soul is still lost.

QUEENICIA JOELL Year 6 CedarBridge Academy