Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married five years and have two toddlers. I am a working mother, and with that comes much guilt for being away from my children during the day. My husband and I try to spend as much non-working time with our children as possible. We do not go out unless our children are allowed to accompany us.My widowed mother-in-law lives two hours away and likes to visit often. She is a kind woman, but gets frustrated when we don’t spend as much time with her as she thinks we should. She was upset that we stayed only two days at Christmas. We were with her at Thanksgiving, so it wasn’t like we hadn’t seen her.

Mom’s job allows her many long weekends, and when she comes to see us, she likes to stay until Monday morning, when we have to go to work. Not to mention, our weekends are very valuable to us as a family. It’s the main time we get to spend with our kids. My husband agrees, but he is uncomfortable saying anything to his mother.

She once told me she thought we should spend one weekend a month at her house, and she would come to us one weekend a month. I think this is too much. Is that terrible of me? We only see my family a few times a year.

How can I approach this without living in her doghouse for the rest of my life? — Guilt From All Angles in the Midwes>Dear Midwest$>It is your husband’s job to let his mother know she must respect your family’s private time. But try to understand that she, too, wants to be with her child (your husband) and her grandchildren. Consider videotaping the kids and sending Mom regular updates. You can even install a camera on your computer and hers, and let her interact with the children in real time — from a distance. Five minutes a day could save you countless visits per year, guilt-free.

Dear Anni<$>My husband and I have been married for 60 years. He is very kind and helpful, but he likes to give advice to everyone, whether he is asked for it or not. It is making me angry, and I am often embarrassed because of it. If I confront him about his behaviour, he gets mad and it turns into an argument.

He’s always been like this, but with ageing, it’s gotten worse and bothers me more. Is there anything I can do? — Married to Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Marri <$>Is his advice any good? Suggest he start putting his ideas into a book. It will keep him occupied, and who knows — maybe he can sell it. Other than that, you’d best grin and bear it. After 60 years, he’s not going to change.

Dear An: <$>I am writing in response to “Still Young”, whose 71-year-old mother wants a part-time job. I will be 71 in a couple of weeks and work as a receptionist for the State of Oregon House of Representatives. I love my job. It is fun, interesting and very rewarding. Three other receptionists are older than I am. We look forward to working, and we greet everybody with a smile.When the Legislature is not in session, we volunteer in Visitor Services at the State Capitol. By being out in the public, working or volunteering, we stay young and our brains keep working.

If her mother likes working and enjoys her job, she will stay healthier. It is a known fact that seniors who keep busy live longer. My husband is 82 and still working in a very demanding physical job. He acts like he’s 60. — Shirley in Salem, gon<$>Dear Shey: <$>We are truly impressed with the variety and difficulty of the jobs held by our over-70 readers. And if it improves your health at the same time, we are all in favour.

Dearnie: <$>My wife is one of four sisters, all of whom were molested by their father between the ages of seven and 17. She and her sister “Sally” were the two youngest, and they were the ones who ended up with the most abuse.This has been eating at me (and the other husbands) for the past 20 years. My wife’s emotional scars and nervous habits are still noticeable. I know their mother knew about the abuse, because when they confronted her 15 years ago, she yelled at them and said, “There are certain things you don’t tell your husbands.”

I very badly want to go to the cops or get a lawyer and make their father pay for psychiatric help for everyone. I don’t understand why an insurance company should have to pay when the person responsible is well off and able to walk the streets freely. Your help would be appreciated. — Confused wiMorals<$>Dear Confused: We understand your outrage, but this must be your wife’s decision. Any action you take without her approval will only create more problems for her, and we know you don’t want that. We agree that Dad should not get off without taking responsibility for his abuse and making amends. Your wife is apparently in counselling, which is good, so suggest she discuss with her counsellor how to deal with Dad, and then please abide by her decision. She needs you to support her choices, whateverey are.

Dear Annie: <$>My mother-in-law has a social anxiety that makes visits increasingly difficult. Try as we might, we are running out of patience.For the past seven years, Mom slowly has been regressing to her bedroom. Our children used to have a grandmother who baked and taught them fun and interesting things. Now she just smokes and watches TV in bed. When we visit, we must sit on the end of the bed or stand around in her room.

I am not a heartless person, but I no longer feel comfortable visiting too often. We are required to call ahead, and most times she gives us the “I don’t feel like visitors” line. Yet if we don’t come by frequently enough, she calls and chews us out. What do we do? &12; Torn<$>Dear Torn: First, has your mother-in-law spoken to a therapist? Would she be amenable to medication? Please do what you can to visit. Mom cannot control her anxiety without professional intervention, so bring folding chairs into the bedroom and you won’t be standing around on one foot waitito leave.

Dear Annie: <$>I am writing in response to “Heartsick Parents”, whose daughter went to college and came back a lesbian. My beautiful and very intelligent daughter was engaged and living with her fiance, but when I came home from a short vacation, she had moved back home and announced she was gay.Tell “Heartsick” their daughter is the same beautiful woman they raised. Just because she dresses or looks different does not mean she isn’t beautiful inside. I almost lost my daughter because she believed I did not accept her choice. She moved across the country, and we did not speak for six months. She now lives closer to home. She and her partner have been together for five years, and I have delightful 18-month-old twin granddaughters (through artificial insemination). I love my daughter and her family with all my heart. I truly do not understand this lifestyle, but they are as stable and happy as any married couple I know. Love your children no matter what life they choose. It is still hard for me, but it would be harder to live without my daughter in my life. — Accepted It inssouriDear Accepted: Bless you for putting things in the proper perspective. We hope other parents are listening.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, long-time editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox[AT]comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, PO Box 118190, Chicago, Illinois 60611.