Several hours after my daughter was born six years ago, she had the biggest poo I had ever seen. It was enormous, black and nasty. It was 2am and there were no nurses to be found at the hospital and “the stuff” was EVERYWHERE. No matter how many books you read or classes you take, those first few days after having a baby are going to be a bit of a shock. Here is a list of a few things the doctors and childbirth experts may not tell you ahead of time:

1. Constipation, constipation ... Some of the painkillers you take during childbirth may make you constipated for days after. The problem can also arise if you’ve had a long labour without food or if you poo while giving birth or have an enema — there simply isn’t anything in your intestines. Similarly, if you’ve had a C-section, it can take three or four days for your bowels to start functioning normally again.

2. Breastfeeding is almost never as easy as they make it out to be in classes — at least not at first. If reality matches your expectation, count yourself lucky. If breastfeeding is really important to you, line up a lactation consultant in advance, to come in and chat after the baby is born. If you don’t need them you can always cancel the appointment. Don’t beat yourself up if breastfeeding doesn’t come as naturally as you expect. For support, contact La Leche League of Bermuda — 236-1120.

3. Prepare yourself for your child’s first poo. It’s often greeny-black in colour, sticky, and has a tar-like texture. This is actually meconium and is made up of mucus, amniotic fluid, and everything your baby has ingested while she was in your womb. It may be difficult to clean up, but its appearance is a good sign that your baby’s bowels are working normally.

4. After the birth your pregnancy hormones will return to pre-pregnancy levels — expect a plunge. For the next couple of days you will spend a lot of time sobbing uncontrollably. Something as simple as a diaper commercial or tissues falling on the floor will trigger a round of tears. Try to have a good emotional support system around you.

5. You will have a heavy period for the next couple of weeks after the birth. This is called lochia, and is how your body gets rid of the lining of your uterus after birth. The blood may come out in gushes, or flow more evenly like a heavy period. It can last up to six weeks.

6. Everyone loves a pregnant woman so it’s a bit of a shock afterwards when people stop holding doors open for you, stopping on crosswalks etc. After birth, you are no longer the star, the baby is.

7. If you formula-feed (as I did) be warned that many have a high sugar content. As a result, your baby may sleep less than a breastfed baby because it’s so wired.

8. Many women decide they are going to have a painkiller-free birth — and then the pain hits. If you haven’t arranged for an epidural ahead of time, you may have to wait a couple of hours before someone is available to administer it.

9. None of the baby equipment you bought is going to work the way you expect. Take everything for a test drive, beforehand. Get the baby seat installed ahead of your delivery date, as this will probably be the most infuriating piece of equipment you own. The hospital will not let you drive away with the baby unless the baby seat is correctly installed in the back of the car, facing backwards. The baby seat should come with installation instructions. If you buy the seat second-hand and there are no instructions, get the seller to show you how or check YouTube for a visual demonstration.