The Fourth Mindfulness Practice Training is about deep listening and mindful speech.

"Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering."

A few months ago I wrote an article in this newspaper about listening and afterwards I had many readers come up to me to say how much they had enjoyed the article. Quite a few people admitted to me that they could relate to being one - or sometimes all - of the types of listeners that I mentioned in the article.

Just to refresh your memories, I'd like to go over those listeners again very quickly. There are Rehearsers who think about what they want to say, instead of hearing or listening to what you are saying. The Mind Readers are those folks who usually hear nothing, while they are thinking in their minds, "What is this person really feeling or thinking?" The Filterer is a selective listener, hearing only what they want to hear. The Identifier always identifies everything you say with one of their own experiences (and they often have bigger and better stories than your own!). Then there are the Comparers, people who get sidetracked assessing or judging you, rather than listening to your message. There's also the Derailer, someone who changes the subject quickly to let you know that they are not interested in anything you have to say. The Sparrer is almost the same; they hear what is said, but quickly belittle it or discount it. Then there is the Placater, who agree with everything you say, just to be nice or to avoid confrontation, but really don't hear a thing you have said.

Deep, compassionate listening is a skill that takes us many years to develop. Deep listening means that we try to listen deeply in order to understand what that other person is truly saying. Not just the words, but also the emotions, feelings and real thoughts behind the words. When we do this, we can begin to understand the other person a little better.

I recently read a number of articles in 'The Mindfulness Bell', a magazine devoted to living an aware or conscious life about compassionate listening. In one of the articles the writer talks about realising that the anger that had plagued her all her life came from times when she didn't feel acknowledged or understood. In other words, from simply not being heard. She also talked about a course that she had put together where one person spoke and the other person listened, and how powerful telling our stories are to any healing process. After all, that is what counsellors or social workers do with their clients, get them to tell their stories so that they can find out their own truths, wisdom and answers.

However, she felt that the most powerful part of the course was with groups of four people where one person told their story and the other three listened, one to the story line, one to the emotions and feelings being expressed and the other to the underlying values. When the speaker had finished, the other three gave feedback about what they had heard. When the person heard the feedback about the values that they had expressed, it was the greatest comfort and relief. You see, when we understand where the other person is truly coming from we can find commonalities and begin to heal the vast differences that can tend to overwhelm us in our communication and in our lives.

Another woman writing in the same magazine, a Quaker peace activist who pioneered compassionate listening and has been involved in some of the world's greatest conflicts over the past 30 years, suggests that we first examine ourselves for hatred, for whatever we find it hard to listen to and what we do not like to do. Then we have to discipline ourselves not to react. We have to discern the real truth, and that is not heard with the human ear, it is heard by listening with our spiritual ears or our heart ears. She has found that compassionate listening has made for some transforming experiences, usually both for the listener and the speaker. Learning about each other as human beings and potential friends means we also learn new understandings about others and ourselves. It is very much a reciprocal experience to listen compassionately to another without interrupting.

I am a member of the Tiep Hien (Order of Interbeing) and all the members have vowed to practice the Fourteen Mindfulness Practice Trainings. The first training is Openness, the second is Non-attachment from Views, the third is Freedom of Thought and the fourth is Awareness of Suffering. I think all these can be used and are the basis of compassionate listening.

@EDITRULE:

The Mindfulness Practice Community of Bermuda is starting a nine week study course beginning on Sunday on Thich Nhat Hanh's latest book, 'No death, No fear'. All are welcome to join us for any or all of the sessions. We meet on Sundays at 5.14 p.m. to 6.44 p.m. at The Health Co-Op, 82 South Shore Road, Warwick, next to Surf Side Beach Club to support the art of living in awareness. Call 236-4988 or email mpcibl.bm or visit www.plum.village.org.