Dear Dr. Rimm: I have a gifted ten-year-old daughter who was an only child until her mother remarried and had another child.

Her half-sister is almost three years old, and my daughter expresses irrational jealousy toward her.

She's also a bit of a bully to her.

I understand the reason for this behaviour, but I'm wondering how to turn this situation around.

I'm an "every-other-weekend Dad", so I need to work with my daughter's mom, and we get along reasonably well.

Her mom seems to be at her wit's end and mostly yells at my daughter when she acts this way.

Reply: I have some suggestions for you and your ex-wife.

For you, you can assure your daughter that it's natural for a child who's been an only child for seven years to have jealous feelings about a new sister, so she doesn't have to feel guilty about those feelings.

What will help her cope with her jealousy is for her to take the role of helper or baby sitter for her little sister.

She could read to her or teach her colours or letters.

She can help her bathe or even shower with her.

She can also teach her to dress herself.

Her mother will be so impressed with how helpful she is that her helping behaviour will get her the wanted attention. While she is with you, she can make special gifts for her sister, and you can tell her how lucky she is to have someone to share her knowledge and skills with. Be sure not to ally with your daughter against her mother or blame her mother for yelling. That would only exacerbate the problem.

For your former wife, you can suggest that once a week she arrange for her younger daughter to stay home with her husband or a baby sitter, so she can have a special date with her older daughter alone.

That special time can be used for activities or talk, and your daughter could make suggestions of what she'd like to do for some of those times. In both homes, it is important for your daughter to hear positive, adult talk about her.

If adults are constantly referring to her jealousy or anger within her hearing, she'll feel like she can't change her negative behaviour.

If she hears about how helpful and kind she's become, she'll live up to those positive expectations.

Blending a family is difficult; however, if you should remarry and have children and your daughter learns to adjust to her half-sister now, she'll make a better adjustment to other half-siblings that you and a future partner may parent.

For a free newsletter about helping children after divorce or sibling rivalry, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to PO Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, or read "Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dear Dr. Rimm: I have a little girl who is five years old. She's very smart and well-behaved, but very timid.

She gives up on other children, so her one friend tries to bully her.

What should I do to help her?

Reply: First, be sure not to refer to her as timid or shy within her hearing.

To the contrary, you might notice when she takes initiative or speaks up, and comment to other adults about her growing up and becoming social and brave.

If the child does bully your daughter, explain to your daughter that she should walk away or refuse to play with her.

If your daughter is too fearful of the other girl, you may wish to intervene. Lastly, why not have your daughter invite another child for a play date so she can start making new friends, one at a time. You can suggest some fun activities or games to get the girls started socialising.

Gradually, she'll build confidence and will no longer need to rely on the girl who is bullying. And, incidentally, the bullying girl may stop bullying in response to your daughter's new confidence.

@EDITRULE:

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and paediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, PO Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094 or srimmsylviarimm.com