There’s no doubting that Deputy Premier Ewart Brown is a robust sort of fellow — and Hector can now reveal the reason why. The Tourism and Transport Minister, renowned for his strong character, told fellow MPs last week that his father used the cat-o’-nine-tails on him as a boy.

“Who knows what kind of person I could have been had I not been subject to that type of treatment,” he said, not really making clear whether he thought the beatings were a good thing or not. The heartbreaking admission came, bizarrely, as Dr. Brown defended the Maritime Offences Procedure Act 2006. He said the “landmark legislation” (is any new PLP law not “landmark”, according to the Minister?) was intended not to be too harsh. What followed was an astonishing rant about the Opposition’s “draconian and maybe unreasonable” roots, which he seemed to equate with his dad’s fondness for whipping him.

This segued seamlessly into an assessment of crime and punishment Saudi Arabia-style, including chopping off hands and arms. Dr. Brown seemed to suggest that the Opposition would like to see that kind of justice meted out to speeding sailors, rather than on-the-spot fines. “Let us just remember that on that horrible day on September 11, 2001, that more than 90 percent of the hi-jackers were from Saudi Arabia. Osama bin Laden came out of Saudi Arabia,” he declared ominously, to puzzled looks around the House of Assembly. “Be careful about being too draconian with landmark legislation.”

UBP members, who had only asked for slightly stiffer penalties for those caught misbehaving on their motor boats, seemed rather taken aback by the stream-of-consciousness spewing forth from the Minister. If the Deputy Premier’s papa had been less of a disciplinarian, Hector wonders, would that have made him more or less able to stick to the subject at hand?Hector chuckled at the ribbing Government anti-drugs supremo Wayne Perinchief got in the House of Assembly during the debate on speeding boaters.

“I lived on the water when I was younger, but I enjoyed it less when the traffic increased. There were times when I had a less than enjoyable time — especially at night,” he mused. “That sounds like a personal problem!” shot back the UBP’s Pat Gordon-Pamplin<$>.Mr. Perinchief wasn’t the only one who encountered stormy waters during the boating debate. Members of the Government benches got their own heckles in when the UBP’s Maxwell Burgess appeared to lose his train of thought.

“What am I saying? What am I saying? It’s important to me that you get what I’m saying,” he thought aloud, prompting Minister of Labour Randy Horton<$> to jibe: “But you don’t know what you’re saying. How can we get it?” Mr. Burgess, continuing undaunted, observed: “Policing the waters is a far greater challenge than here on land. What do I mean?” As if playing a part in a pantomime by now, a smirking Dr. Ewart Brown <$>and Mr. Horton shouted back: “What do you mean?!”.

“We’ll I’ll tell you now,” responded Mr. Burgess, launching into a complicated tale about wakes and the shoreline. Hector wondered whether the 6.30 a.m. marathon session in the House the week before had addled the poor Shadow Minister of Home Affairs’ brain?

The debate was nonetheless enlightening for anyone planning a spot of moonlit fun on the water. Who knew that “towing a water skier during the hours of darkness” could land you with a $100 fine?On the theme of information you didn’t know, and probably never will need to, some “helpful” instructions from the Department of Communications and Information landed on Hector’s desk along with his press pass for the visit of HRH The Princess Royal<$>. In a section on protocol, entitled “the handshake” Hector was informed: “This is not really a handshake. One merely takes the fingers of HRH between the thumb and fingers, without applying more than slight pressure. Do not squeeze/grip her hand in any way.”

The edict continues: “One must be very careful not to use the expression ‘Your Mother’ or ‘Your Nephew’ when referring to Her Majesty The Queen or Prince Charles<$> respectively. It is preferable to avoid any reference to other members of the Royal Family.”

Now Hector always understood Charles to be Anne’s brother, not her nephew. But having somewhat troublesome relatives himself, he entirely understands why “don’t mention the family” appears to be the rule for the Princess.

The list of instructions on how to deal with the Princess continues: “If engaged in conversation with HRH, talk on any subject as she is always very up to date and well informed.” But does she know about the legal pitfalls of waterskiiing in the dark, Hector wonders?The Opposition has always tried to keep up with Government in very strange ways, but last week, their doggedness took on all new depths. At last Saturday’s Keep Bermuda Beautiful (KBB) trash pick-up at Cedar Park, Devonshire, Sen. David Burch leant a hand to volunteers.

However, the Colonel was not alone, as he was joined by Progressive Labour Party colleague, Dale Butler, according to KBB. Not to be undone, the United Bermuda Party sent along its Deputy Leader, Michael Dunkley and Opposition House Leader John Barritt<$>.

Mr. Dunkley and Mr. Barritt — who have constituencies in Devonshire unlike either of the PLP litter pickers — obviously did not like Government trying to gain political points on their own stomping grounds particularly with all the election rumours floating around.

Hector thinks perhaps all political races should be run like this. Both parties could be asked to pick up as much trash as possible in a 24-hour period and the ones with the largest pile of garbage at the end wins. This would save everybody the weeks of pre-election rhetoric and at least would be of some use to something, in this case the environment.