Has your partner threatened you? Are you afraid to leave your relationship because of what your partner might do? Expressions of intentions to hurt, destroy, punish, or harm others are forms of threatening behaviour. Making threats against family members, friends, children, or pets is abusive. Threats can be obvious, such as "I'm going to kill you'' or "I'll kill myself.'' They can also be subtle, like displaying weapons or making such comments as "What do you think it would feel like to die slowly?'' Nonspecific threats -- such as "you'll be sorry'' -- without specific consequences are nevertheless frightening and controlling. Abusers may threaten you with physical acts of violence, suicide, leaving the relationship, or divorce to gain or keep control. They may use children, finances, religion, or other concerns to maintain control over you. Threatening behaviour is not necessarily physically harmful. Threatening to cut off your relationship with your children, threatening to cut off your financial support, your means of transportation, or friendships is also abusive: "I have connections, and I'll get custody of the kids -- you'll never see them again.'' Several batterers say that their partners know they would not actually do what they threatened to do. But how can their partner be sure? And if the batterer has been violent in the past, why wouldn't their partners think that the threats were real? Why did the batterer make threats in the first place? Threats are used to elicit a response or to get your way. Whether you intend to carry out the threat or not, your partner has a reason to be afraid. Threats are a form of violence.

Some batterers threaten that they will take away or gain custody of the children. They know that this is an area where victims feel particularly vulnerable, and they choose to exploit this vulnerability. Other batterers threaten to harm themselves. Many batterers threaten suicide, usually when they think that they are losing the relationship. They believe the threat of suicide will get their partners to rethink their decision and stay.

Domestic violence: Warning on threats But destructive relationships are rarely saved by threats, and their efforts may only prolong and intensify the breakup.

Some batterers may combine threats with other types of abuse. For example, batterers may accompany their threats with physical acts such as breaking telephones, display weapons, or barring you from going through a doorway.

Examples of Threatening Behaviour: Jill announced that she wanted a divorce after 12 years of marriage to Jack.

Jill had made a firm decision, but Jack left suicide notes hoping his threats would stop her from leaving.

Although Paula is fearful of weapons and Peter's temper, Peter keeps several knives in his bureau and one on the nightstand by his side of the bed.

Michelle kicks Michael's pet pit bull around when she is angry with Michael.

She often says he will come home one day to find that his dog has disappeared.

A Note to our Readers: You should take all threats seriously. Have you had your family or friends threatened, holes punched in the walls of your home, or your belongings destroyed? Are you afraid the next punch will be directed at you? Don't wait until things get out of hand. Call 292-4366 or 297-8278. Help is available.

You may need to use the legal system or find a shelter to protect yourself. A person who is threatening violence or suicide or threatening to take the children is dangerous and his/her behaviour is illegal.

*** The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of The Family Resource Network, which consists of The Coalition for The Fathers' Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.