twenty years of service in the community. Included are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. But who would think that the frail, sweet, grandmotherly figure of our Island home would be subjected to physical violence by a member of her own family? But such violence, or elder abuse as it is called, does exist in our Bermudian community. What makers some older people likely to be abused? One common assumption is that elders who are physically impaired and therefore dependent upon family members for feeding, bathing, and other sorts of care are most at risk. The critical difference between the two sets of families is that the abusers are dependent on the elders for housing, help with household chores, financial assistance, babysitting, or transportation. Violence is a response to the abusers still needing one's parent to assist them financially.

While at The Physical Abuse Centre it has been my experience that some elderly people feel socially isolated from the outside world. An elderly woman once described her son as having emotional problems, which he drowned out with several shots of vodka each day after work.

Another senior citizen told me of an incident that happened to a dear friend of hers who appeared to have had numerous injuries covering his entire body.

She stated that layers of clothing hid these. He was terrified that his secret would be revealed. How could an offspring have done such a thing to the person who had given them life? A few months later, another elderly person told her story to a friend. "The abuse has been going on for many years'', she confessed. "Ever since her care giver lost her husband she hasn't been the same. She pushes me around, yells and screams at me and sometimes I go for days without a meal. Sometimes she even hides the telephone so that I cannot call my friends. She makes me sign my pension check and I don't know what she does with the money. I had to sneak over to my neighbour's to get help.'' If you know of someone in a similar situation, arrangements can be made for them to receive medical attention. After being thoroughly examined by a physician of their choice, they are given the option of Social Service or another safe place to live that provides them with protection from their abusers.

In another case a son admitted that he had a violent temper and he sought help at P.A.C. His mother has passed on, and he regrets that he never got the chance to say two words that mean so much -- "I'm sorry''. I never had the opportunity to meet his mother. However, I have the impression from our encounter with her son that through our counselling sessions she was an angel sent by God. She is also a constant reminder that physical abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age.

*** Young people today are asking questions about violence. Through working at The Physical Abuse Centre, I have learned the most common question is: "Why are people violent?'' People use violence as a way of controlling others through fear, intimidation, and humiliation. Even if you don't mean to, you can hurt someone and make him or her afraid of you. People often wonder why anyone would stay with a violent boyfriend/girlfriend. Fear of losing the boyfriend/girlfriend, fear of more violence if he or she leaves, the desire to be loved and needed, the hope that he/she will change, and his/her feelings that it's their fault are all common reasons. The second most commonly asked question is: "What can be done?'' There are peaceful ways to work out your problems. Don't hope or assume the violence will just go away. Violence almost always gets worse. This can mean that the person who is being abused must leave the relationship in order for the violence to end. Abused teens often grow up to be abused adults and abusive men and women often hit their own children. It also means that abusers must find healthier ways to cope with anger. Abuse isn't just a problem - it's a crime.

Talk with your parents; another trusted adult or a counsellor about what is happening. Sometimes we can help you understand what you're feeling and how to start changing things. The first step to receiving help for your anger is to be able to recognise it. Once you realise that you can learn healthy ways of how to use it, and finally you can learn how to let it go.

Remember: No one deserves to be beaten. Hitting isn't love. Possessiveness isn't love. Jealousy isn't love. Love is feeling free to be yourself, being able to disagree without fear, having room to grow and caring about and respecting each other's feelings. Those things can't happen when one person is scared of the other. Face up to what's really going on in your life. Call the PAC hotline for help. Have you had feelings of anger, fear, frustration, and/or confusion? If you have, you're not along. Unfortunately some young people in this country have experienced violence in their dating relationships. Don't wait until it gets out of hand. Call 292-4366 or 297-8278 for help today.

NINA JONES P.A.C. Counselor The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of The Family Resource Network, which consists of The Coalition for the Protection of Children, The Institute of Child and Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Father's Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.

HEALTH HTH